Getting rid of the infection!

So, I said I had much more to say on the topic of my last post and I also said I was going to share some personal stories and I'm in the mood to share. (warning this post is long!!!)

Not sure why it took me over 5 years to truly let go of a very negative and draining relationship. In the past I have said I was over it, past it, and things were cool. That wasn't a total lie but I came to realize that some relationships need to be completely cut off...none of the occassional phone calls, text messages, how are you doing?, nothing, nada. But this is difficult to do, speaking from my own experience. First you feel like you don't want to be the one to stop the communication, what do you say, do you just ignore the calls and he will get the message, do come right out and tell him you don't want anything to do with him and please loose your number? Well, I did none of the above and I now know why I didn't...it's because in the back of mind, in a small place in my heart I still wanted to be with him somehow, someway. If I was using common sense I would have long since realized that wasn't a possibility, but I was letting my emotions lead me and that's not a smart move when you've been shown all the signs that the relationship is nothing good and pretty much all bad.

When the light bulb went off in my head and I knew at that moment that to truly be available and open for all the things and people I wanted in my life I had to do some cutting away of all that was bad. At the top of the list was...(I'll call him) Mason. Why did I not want to let go of him? It's just a cop out to say "I can't move on", "I hurts", "I loved him"...because it truly comes a point when all these things are excuses you are making to stay in a bad place because you aren't confident enough to 'fly' on your own and truly get in line with what God has for you. Like I said before...we love to get in the way of God. We love to make excuses and call them reasons. I once heard a preacher say, "Excuses are demonic!" wow...this is so true...what place do excuses have in a successful, positive life? My answer is that there is no place. Do you actually know what the word 'excuse' means? a defense of some offensive behavior or some failure to keep a promise etc.; to overlook, make allowances for (someone's behavior), transparent self-justification (that is unacceptable)...the word has several meanings...and none of them are things I want me to use to describe me...what about you?

I've stop making excuses, I'm taking responsibility for what I allow to happen to me and around me. Yes, I'm taking responsibilty...so I was hurt but I'm the one that allowed that hurt to continue long after it could have been over. I allowed Mason to have a form of control over my heart and emotions. Why I did this? Because I was being weak, because I didn't want to take charge over my future and I didn't want to cut him off. I realized that by allowing Mason to have such a powerful role in my life (he probably didn't even realize his power), was stopping me from experiencing all that I could experienced (especially in my personal life). How many of us (women and men) have or have had a tie to a negative relationship that should have long since been over. Healing takes place much quicker, when you clean the wound, remove the infection, bandage it and get on with daily life (exercise the injury so it's because strong again)...so basically you need to come to peace that it's over and thank God it is, cut ALL ties with the person, and pray for God to mend your heart and bring the right person in your life at the right time. I did exactly this...yeah it took me years, don't be like me PLEASE! Get it right now.

This was my healing process...
First I asked the Lord reveal (something He had done a long time ago, but I ignored Him because I didn't like the answer). Than I asked Him to remove (and for the first time I really meant it)...no point in asking for something if you really don't want it, I really want it, I realized I really needed it. Finally I asked the Lord to restore (my heart), make me stronger, more confident, at peace with who am I and who I am becoming. As always..God answered my prayers and this time I was willing to receive what it took to truly move beyond this. So, I've done the "3Rs" before but never walked it out... I never erased the number from my phone (yes, you must do this...don't change the name to 'do not answer' or don't say but what if he calls I may not recognize it and answer (whatever!) God has removed him from your life, he's not going to call (maybe you're hoping he will so you won't feel so mad about wanting to call yourself...but that feeling will past, believe me)...you're making those 'excuses' again!. Did you remove his email from your list? Did you throw away the love notes, the pictures of you two all hugged up and stuff? I mean, why are you keeping them? I know you wouldn't want your future husband to be holding on to pictures, letters, personal gifts from an ex...so why should you? You want your future husband to be getting ready for you, so you should be getting ready for him. See you're blocking your blessings if you dont. You can't expect to get what you want if you don't get yourself to a healthy place so you can attract what you want...remember you aren't out looking for your future mate, but you don't want him overlooking you because he can see all the mess, confusion, etc all over you. If he's right with the Lord, (which we want him to be)...the Lord is going to show him that you're a mess and he's going to run away...ever wonder why you thought you met a great guy and than he never calls you back (well, he could be a jerk, but what if he has a personal relationship with the Lord and the Lord reveals to him that you're not the one and the reason you aren't the one is because he's ready for the one and you're now the toxic one because you haven't moved past your 'Mason'...something to think about!).

Move past, over, get around, climb on top and squash...do whatever you need to do to gain a release...a release of your mind (you won't think about the person on the regular...why? because you are too focused on the many great things in your life), a release of your spirit (you will feel free and at peace...this is especially important if you were physical in any way with your Mason you must realize that when you become physical with a person a piece of your soul is forever connected to them and vice versa (this is Scriptural people, I dont make this stuff up)...you have to pray for that release, you don't want to be carrying that person around forever and you don't want that person carrying you around forever and sharing that piece of your soul with everyone else they physically come in contact with and vice versa (think about this...it's deep)...just getting over your Mason and not praying for this type of release can have many negative consequences in your future...dont be shy God already knows about Mason, so pray for the release...God is waiting for you to ask), and a release of your heart (it will be mended and the lessons learned will cause you to be thankful instead of sad).

I have gone on and on about what I learned from this seemingly never ending relationship with Mason... I didn't realize I had so much to say. I guess after 5 years you have alot of thoughts on a topic. But he's no longer 'my' Mason, he can be someone elses...and hopefully all that I've done and all my prayers will also help him be a great Man for his future wife...yes I prayed for him too...all part of the TRUE healing process...ya'll, I wasn't playing...I'm getting things right for my husband!

~Until next time

What happened to courting???

So, me and my girl Quita have been having some really deep conversations about our future and that man God has for us in that future. These conversations have inspired me to share the Godly insight we have been gaining together...God is so good in so many ways!

Ladies are often worried, concerned, bothered that they aren't enough, that they can't/won't find love but this isnt true. The man for you has been beautifully and wonderfully created my our Father God. If we allow God to be the discussion maker there will be no problems, no mistakes, no questions. Stop choosing the man you think you should be with...stop making plans about who he is, how you are going to meet him etc etc... my grandfather use to always say "We make plans and God laughs at them." meaning that God is the divine director, if we try to decide how things should go we most likely will get in the way of what God has already plan. We've got to remember that our life was 'mapped' out my God before we were even born.

So you've met the man of your dreams...well have you checked with God?...does he meet the criteria that is non-negotiable? Like, does he love the Lord? Numero uno! Date him, gather the data determine his attributes and make a honest GODLY decision if you should allow him to pursue you...yes, I said 'him pursue you' What's going on with ladies these day chasing after men? Forget that new millennium woman...that is a hott mess! If ladies stop trying to run everything in a relationship and get in their place they would start experiencing the 'dream' relationship women back in the day experienced. There is something wonderful about a woman being woman and that woman allowing her man to take his place and be a man.

So you've dated him now and all is going well. Do you two have a friendship? Are you walking side by side, hand in hand towards a common goal? If not something is wrong and this relationship shouldn't go forward. I believe what people in great marriages say, 'You must be friends first and remain friends throughout your lifetime together.' Friendship is key people! and I'm talking about a REAL friendship...open and honest communication about the good and bad, the hurt and disappointment, you've got to be vulnerable. Are you able to get down and dirty and do that 'ugly' cry in front of each other lol... I know it sounds crazy but are you really able to let it all hang out? Ask yourself this...and give a honest answer.

Now, what has happened to courting...my mama always told me a man should court me...if he's not willing to do that he is obviously not willing to be with me...this should be an obvious thing but we have lowered our standards so far that we will take just about any mess just to get to the altar. Do men even pick a lady up, come to the door (I don't even think women expect this, but I do!), bring flowers or whatever his lady likes, open doors, compliment his lady... so many seemingly simply things that don't happen very often these days and many women don't 'demand' this type of treatment, even go as far as to say they don't like or want this type of treatment (they are an independent woman), I'm independent woman too, but I want my man to do all the above and more for me or he wont be my man. When you are being courted it is with the intention towards the altar, you should be laying the foundation, a strong foundation for your future together (marriage). What happened to taking time to build a strong relationship...for each couple the amount of time it takes to build this relationship varies but no matter how short or long the time is...please take the time. Honest, quality time truly getting to know each other's good, bad, ugly and beautiful is what needs to happen. And please pay attention...a person may try to hide who they truly are at first, but they will eventually show their true self and believe them when they show you the crazy, don't ignore what they are 'telling' you. (I learned a hard lesson here).

When you are in this relationship, please never forget to pray...stay on your face before the Lord and he will surely guide your steps. And once again listen and believe what the Lord tells you...He's not going to lie, trick or deceive you.

Stop worrying is there something wrong with me, because there is nothing wrong with you, there is something right with him...when there is something right with him there will be something right between the two of you.

This love thing really does work...let Him (God) be the match - maker and you're on the right track. I have so much more to say on this topic...and I will be coming with more installments and personal stories in the near future.

~take care

Did you miss me?

I'm Back!

So much has been going on with me I have no idea where to begin. I've moved to Lansing, MI to pursue my Juris Doctorate and I'm loving every minute of law school, not loving every minute of Lansing, MI. But I'm so blessed that God has opened this door...so Im walking through this.

God has been so good to me this year, 2008 is blowing my mind...things I wanted, things I needed, things I have prayed for have been coming to past. Over the last 12 months dreams have come true...I became a of member of the greatest sorority in the land Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., I was accepted into law school, I'm having the opportunity to live on my own for the first time in my life (something I really wanted to do), I'm meeting new people and making great connections, I'm seeing new parts of the country (and soon the world). Life is so exciting at this point. And I'm about to be 25... just really really happy right now.

Long Time

It's been two months since I have written anything on here...anything in my journal....any poetry...two months since I have picked up a pen for creative expression. I'm not sure why but hey... the time pasted...things have happened and we move forward. Ya'll aren't ready to hear all that I have been doing, been thru and experienced the last couple months. All I can say is God is good and without Him I don't know where I would be.


Months ago...I mentioned that I was popular...well..."A Taste of Philly" won me over. I have to figure out a new nickname for him because he cut his beard down...so the look of a philly dude is gone. I love it...I suggested it...and I'm glad he thinks I'm so wonderful that he did it and likes the clean look again. Ya'll this one is great...crazy, but great. I wasn't looking...but I may have been found. I'm happy in this thing we got going on....so that's all that matters right now. The parents like him...I've met all his family...I got some mixed reviews...but I think it will be ok. This summer we plan on spending lots of time with each others family. We are talking about the future...and I feel good about it. I'm not where I want to be in life...he's not actually where I would want a husband to be in life...but together we can be in an amazing place. I'll keep you updating.


Life is interesting...I looking for something interesting...not just a job...maybe career while I waiting for God to open the door for law school. I have a degree...I should be using it. Anyone have any career ideas for me???? Leave your suggestions...what do you think I would be good at???? I need help here!!! I have an idea or two...but suggestions will help me think of things I have not thought of....


Until next time...it could be hours, days, weeks, or months...no telling how I will feel

~Take Care~

Had Enough???!!!???

There has to come a point when you realize that it's just not for you. I really, really hope this is true. I keep complaining about what's going on in this situation...and I know what I could do to help myself feel alot better in the long run...but it's a difficult decision, totally outside of my comfort zone. Basically I want things to change but I don't want to be the one to make the change happen. So with this attitude I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. I'm becoming very miserable. Have you ever wanted something so badly but you just cant have it...there could be many reasons why you can't have it: It's out of your reach, it's unhealthy, it belongs to someone else, the 'cost' of it is too much for you, it doesn't want you to want it, you don't know how to get it...and the list goes on. I think practically all these things apply to my situation. It's sad...Im making it worse. And I can't even complain anymore. I won't complain anymore...because that is a waste of time...especially since right now what is going on is all my doing. I hear what is being said...but I don't want to acknowledge it. My feelings are too strong and I care too much...sometimes I feel that caring is a weakness for me. I use to be confused...but I can't even use that excuse anymore...yeah I'll admit it...it was a crutch, the easiest way to explain why I allow this to continue...I could say, "I'm confused." Well...it's out in the open now...I'm not confused...I know exactly what I'm doing and allowing to be done...I must take responsibility for the consequences. I always try to justify this..."BUT" is my favorite word to use...it always gives me a bright note in a dark situation...it's so weak of me. I have come to the conclusion, that even in the future I would be a fool to agree to anything official...because all this time...I wasn't enough...




...I gotta come back to this post later... I know it seems like I'm rambling...

The Little Things

February 2006 is over!!! Wow...oh my how time flys by...already this year is turning out to have ups and downs...I was thinking more ups for a minute but that was short lived...anyways...one of my older cousins moved back to Bmore from upstate NY and I'm so excited. She has a little girl so is so dear to my heart but because they have lived so far away I have not been able to be in her life as much as I would have wanted. My cousin and I were so close growing up. Actually there are two females in that family...the other one is moving down after see completes her education up there...in about a year...It's good to have family close and it's even better when you are good friends with that family. Hopefully soon we will get to hang out...she's down here finished up her thesis...so she is quite busy, but I'm just happy to know she is around. I have learned that I must be grateful for everyting even things that may seem small...like a cousin moving to the MD/DC area. I don't have much so say today... I'm trying to love life... working daily on my relationship with my father and savior and looking forward and pressing forward to all my goals and dreams. I will try and post more later. Until next time be blessed!!!