...I'm back....yes twice in one day...back to back post....ummm yeah...I use to do this all the time... aways...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone touch your soul??? Might sound like a crazy question but the feeling is so real. I could tell you exactly what it feels like to me. It feels like a warm summer night with a gentle breeze. It feels like a great hug during a bad time. It feels like sunshine on your face. If feels like peace in the midst of turbulence. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't there are many people that can touch your soul. There are going to be special people who come into your life with that ability...and you will know who they are immediately. When you soul is touch...you will never forget it and you will never want that feeling to go away. I know you maybe wondering who has touched my soul...I would tell you. But if you've touched my soul you know who you are. If you don't know...but think I maybe talking about you...than you are probably right. I hope I've touched someone's soul. This is deeper than love to me...this is something that will last way beyond a relationship. Even if that person doesn't become the person you spend the rest of your life with... the feeling will never leave you. It's so much more than the physical...it's spiritual. I might be in this all by myself...but that's ok...because this feeling is that good...that I don't mind.
...can't control who touches your soul..."
You have to get United Soul "Reservations"...they capture this feeling so well in their music...
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I don't do that anymore...
I was told to update my blog by a couple people...so... here goes...
I actually have had somethings to write, but I'm so tired most days that I get in the bed when I get home and don't get out until the next morning. I use to leave out the door at 6am for work and get home after 7pm. I had to cut that out...now I leave about 7:15/7:30 and get home after 7pm...you might think that an hour and a half difference isn't much...but YES...it has helped a bit. I remember the days when I could sleep in on weekends...ummm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember coming home and watching a bit of television and staying up all night doing random foolishness...ummmm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember going out in the middle of week and dancing with my girls and drinking a few drinks....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I remember that Friday, Saturday parties...and than keeping up for 8am Sunday service...ummmm yeah...well I still get up for church...but now it's at 10:30. I remember when...I would spend hours on the phone with someone and when I hung up I would want to call them back....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I'm trying to figure out what I do...I don't do anything right now that is totally enjoyable and peaceful. I have two jobs...event though I enjoy both of them, they are not at all peaceful. I use to be an artist...ummm yeah...I just look at my art supplies in the closet. I have become a tired person....with nothing to do for fun... this is so sad. Not to mention all the craziness that has been going on since I moved back to Bmore...oh wow...I think that's too much for blogger...
until next time...hopefully it won't be so long...only reason I wrote this is because I did it a my first job...I really should be sending criminals to jail...
I actually have had somethings to write, but I'm so tired most days that I get in the bed when I get home and don't get out until the next morning. I use to leave out the door at 6am for work and get home after 7pm. I had to cut that out...now I leave about 7:15/7:30 and get home after 7pm...you might think that an hour and a half difference isn't much...but YES...it has helped a bit. I remember the days when I could sleep in on weekends...ummm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember coming home and watching a bit of television and staying up all night doing random foolishness...ummmm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember going out in the middle of week and dancing with my girls and drinking a few drinks....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I remember that Friday, Saturday parties...and than keeping up for 8am Sunday service...ummmm yeah...well I still get up for church...but now it's at 10:30. I remember when...I would spend hours on the phone with someone and when I hung up I would want to call them back....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I'm trying to figure out what I do...I don't do anything right now that is totally enjoyable and peaceful. I have two jobs...event though I enjoy both of them, they are not at all peaceful. I use to be an artist...ummm yeah...I just look at my art supplies in the closet. I have become a tired person....with nothing to do for fun... this is so sad. Not to mention all the craziness that has been going on since I moved back to Bmore...oh wow...I think that's too much for blogger...
until next time...hopefully it won't be so long...only reason I wrote this is because I did it a my first job...I really should be sending criminals to jail...
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Feels like goodbye
I have the hardest time expressing to someone if I'm sad or my feelings are hurt...it comes off as if I have an attitude and if I speak too much to try and convince you that I don't have an attitude...my emotions are like a switch and I would start crying. If I'm silent, just nod my head...I can tell myself in my head...not to cry. If I start to express how I feel in words...as I'm speaking I will began crying. I don't want you to see me like that...I would rather hold it in...get over whatever I'm feeling in time...tears aren't something I let people see.
I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...
...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.
... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.
I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...
...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.
... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Why I Wait...The Complete Answer
I've been asked so many times why I have waited/why I am waiting/why I choose not to have sex. I thought I answered the question completely...but I have come to realize I might not have. It was difficult for me to articulate in words what I felt in my heart. This choice I have made is very personal and what others may say or do can not effect me. I'm sharing this story/journey...not to make anyone feel bad or to seem self righteous...but because I want to share this part of me...and I can put these feelings into word at this point. I feel I may have done a disservice to some people who have been in my life...in the past and those who are presently in my life, because I couldn't articulate why? I want to make sure I don't continue this for those who will be in future. I have to take you back to my childhood to really tell this story of how I got to where I am today.
I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.
My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.
Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.
This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:
~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it
Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya
This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.
~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife
...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.
I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.
My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.
Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.
This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:
~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it
Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya
This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.
~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife
...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Something happened???!!???
Do you think that change and growth could happen almost instantaneously??? Well, at this moment...I would have to say I think so...yes I know people say "change don't happen over night"...well...I aint saying it happened over night...I've saying it happen in a minute. How about that. But actually it's been seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months...for this change...I have just been holding on to something that time and again has pushed me off...I have let go for awhile...but than I regained that grip. There are times you have to embrace lose and move on...you will have the opportunity down the road to encounter it again. I might actually be using the wrong word when I say change...I think revelation might be better...well no, maybe understanding...oh wait I got it ACCEPTANCE!!! And Im not totally sure how this happened...but I know I feel a bit better already. I have been pretty down...being home hasn't turned out like I thought. There have been some issues with the fam...it seems like once a week a family member moves into the house...and I'm all about family...but why they all gotta live with me...anyways...personally...well...I won't even go there...
I start work next week...and I'm exciting because Im getting the opportunity to clerk for a circuit court judge who is highly respected in her field...I'm a little nervous about it...I've never worked closely with a judge. Being a judge is my ultimate goal...so getting this position is a step in the right direction and the experience and contacts are priceless. (mind you that this position calls for a third year law student or law school graduate) but I got this job with the help of God, some connections, my merit...and my BA degree (I knew going to Drexel wasn't a waste). I'm very thankful and know that I am blessed of God and highly favored.
So...let me get back to the 'light bulb' moment...I can't describe it...I can't put into words. Maybe it's what was said, how it was say, what wasn't said or that fact that it felt different...like I was a bother. But I'll tell you this... WOW!!! If I had opened my eyes a long time ago...I could have saved myself a lot of grief. The fact that I have been hoping, wishing, praying...doing whatever I've been doing. I'm not even going to play myself and act like Im totally over it...but I know I gotta think differently, act differently. I'm expecting greatness in my life and can't wait for all that is in store for me. I start everyday as if it were on PURPOSE!!!! I feel excited about my life...and once again I can't tell you why I feel so different at this moment than I did 15mins ago.
When I think about it...I'm really doing some big things...got a great job (which ultimately will lead to a great career; will be having the opportunity to travel...Boston or Georgia will be first...not sure yet (tell you more about this later), volunteering like crazy (something I love to do), getting to go some fabolous placing with fabolous people, about to sitting on a board of directors for an awesome program (program for development of inner city families...one of my passions), starting a dance program for young girls...and much more to come!!!
Something clicked with me...I'm thankful to all my friends who have really supported me and my foolishness (well, Im glad ya'll had sense not to support the foolishness) Even though ya'll might say to my face that I wasn't being foolish...but...ummm...yes I truly was and I understand that now. More than once...more than one person...I've gotten all wrapped up. I know that emotions (bad, sad, happy, glad...I'm always to one extreme or the other) are my weakness...so I need to be prepared and focused. I'm not going to say that I am going to guard myself better...because I don't want to get to a place where I can't freely express how I feel. I love the fact that people who I care about...now without a doubt that I care about them. I'm not ashamed to show love and affection to all of my family and friends...I will continue this...but I know now that the next one...will have to 'earn' all that love and affection...I won't so easily give it out. I won't open myself to people who don't want to be open in return...I understand the principle of give and take much clearer right now. I am so giving...and I have been willing to allow people to take and take...I feel so drained...it's going to take a minute for me to build myself up...to regenerate. WHOA!!!! I'm on my way to feeling refreshed...look out world...I aint think I could get any better...but you haven't seen anything just...I'm bout to take this world by storm. Either support me or get out my way. I could settle for being just good enough...but I'd rather be great, extraordinary, better than anything you have ever seen.
Sorry this was a long one...I guess I had a lot to say...
I start work next week...and I'm exciting because Im getting the opportunity to clerk for a circuit court judge who is highly respected in her field...I'm a little nervous about it...I've never worked closely with a judge. Being a judge is my ultimate goal...so getting this position is a step in the right direction and the experience and contacts are priceless. (mind you that this position calls for a third year law student or law school graduate) but I got this job with the help of God, some connections, my merit...and my BA degree (I knew going to Drexel wasn't a waste). I'm very thankful and know that I am blessed of God and highly favored.
So...let me get back to the 'light bulb' moment...I can't describe it...I can't put into words. Maybe it's what was said, how it was say, what wasn't said or that fact that it felt different...like I was a bother. But I'll tell you this... WOW!!! If I had opened my eyes a long time ago...I could have saved myself a lot of grief. The fact that I have been hoping, wishing, praying...doing whatever I've been doing. I'm not even going to play myself and act like Im totally over it...but I know I gotta think differently, act differently. I'm expecting greatness in my life and can't wait for all that is in store for me. I start everyday as if it were on PURPOSE!!!! I feel excited about my life...and once again I can't tell you why I feel so different at this moment than I did 15mins ago.
When I think about it...I'm really doing some big things...got a great job (which ultimately will lead to a great career; will be having the opportunity to travel...Boston or Georgia will be first...not sure yet (tell you more about this later), volunteering like crazy (something I love to do), getting to go some fabolous placing with fabolous people, about to sitting on a board of directors for an awesome program (program for development of inner city families...one of my passions), starting a dance program for young girls...and much more to come!!!
Something clicked with me...I'm thankful to all my friends who have really supported me and my foolishness (well, Im glad ya'll had sense not to support the foolishness) Even though ya'll might say to my face that I wasn't being foolish...but...ummm...yes I truly was and I understand that now. More than once...more than one person...I've gotten all wrapped up. I know that emotions (bad, sad, happy, glad...I'm always to one extreme or the other) are my weakness...so I need to be prepared and focused. I'm not going to say that I am going to guard myself better...because I don't want to get to a place where I can't freely express how I feel. I love the fact that people who I care about...now without a doubt that I care about them. I'm not ashamed to show love and affection to all of my family and friends...I will continue this...but I know now that the next one...will have to 'earn' all that love and affection...I won't so easily give it out. I won't open myself to people who don't want to be open in return...I understand the principle of give and take much clearer right now. I am so giving...and I have been willing to allow people to take and take...I feel so drained...it's going to take a minute for me to build myself up...to regenerate. WHOA!!!! I'm on my way to feeling refreshed...look out world...I aint think I could get any better...but you haven't seen anything just...I'm bout to take this world by storm. Either support me or get out my way. I could settle for being just good enough...but I'd rather be great, extraordinary, better than anything you have ever seen.
Sorry this was a long one...I guess I had a lot to say...
Monday, September 12, 2005
A Dilemma!!!
I have a dilemma and I need help dealing with this dilemma!!! Where do I begin...so there is this guy...you all 'know' about this guy because I stay referring to him in posts. Anway...I still like this guy. I don't want to like this guy, but I can't help liking this guy. Common sense tells me to forget about this guy, but something stronger than that won't allow me. What is wrong with me??? Ok, if that wasn't enough...here's my dilemma. This guy has a girlfriend...and of course I was not happy to learn about this relationship but I have tried to deal with it. I can't help but hope, wish, think that their relationship will end. Hoping that she is not the 'one' for him. I can only dream that one day soon he will tell me that he misses me and that his relationship with his girlfriend has come to an end. How awlful is that??? I can't believe that I would wish a relationship to be over. I've never been like that before (oh wait, there was this one time last year...but that relationship was not a guy I liked or anything...it was a guy that was dealing with my girl and I knew she could do better, so I kinda wished something would happen to end that mess...) I asked this guy the other day, "Are you happy?" He replied..."Im content...I don't get happy." That statement really upset me...because I truly want him to be happy. I guess that's just the type of person I am...I care about others well-being. As soon as he said that...my crazy thinking went to straight to thinking that one of the reasons he isn't happy is because he is with her...know that could be true...but who am I to think that. I don't know his girlfriend...so I shouldn't think that she is not a wonderful woman. She probably is wonderful and probably really cares for him...but I can't help thinking what I think. I want him to happy with her or with someone...of course I wish that someone was me...because I know I can make him happy. I shouldn't be so selfish...am I only thinking of myself??? I'm not even sure anymore. I would feel really stupid if I was sitting around and thinking about him and he didn't give a care about me...well I guess I should take the fact that he has a girlfriend and that girlfriend isn't me...that he doesn't care about me. But maybe, possibly, some way, some how...Im not the only one thinking about how good we could be together. Maybe I need counseling...maybe I should talk to him about this (but I can't, I'm too much of a punk)...Someone please help me!!! I am so horrible...I don't wish him bad...quite the opposite I wish him so much success, happiness, peace, and every other positive thing in life...I want his future to be better than he could ever imagine. He told me why we stopped dealing with each other...and honestly I was upset at that time and really don't remember what he said...but I do know...that I was willing to do what was necessary to have a successful relationship with him in the future. Maybe the girlfriend should be a sign to me...but she isn't and I don't know why. I understand that we aren't dealing and most likely won't ever deal...but... (SCREAMING!!!!!!)
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