This is my first real post of 2006...I'm excited to be back...and I thank God for allowing me to see another year. I know this year is going to be filled with so much greatness. God told me it was going to be in live in '05...and it sure was...through the ups and downs...I have to admit even though I thinks my downs were major...I had so many ups...most of them shared with one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for...of course the one and only Erica R. Robinson...my Soul Friend...since we have already given the 'title' of best friend to other great ladies in our lives...I came up with the term soul friend to describe us...she sure has looked into my soul and holds a major piece...I thank God for her.
Since I have been home...things have been very busy...I work work work...and I sleep. I barely even eat...but I am working on that Er...doing much better this year! I have also decided that I can't keep hoping that certain people I care about will come around and that we will have the type of relationship I desire...so I have decide to get out more. As soon as I decided that, I became popular...not that I ever had a difficult time meeting guys, that's not the problem...well, since I was in Philly for the past few years...most of the dudes...have been Philly hoodrats...favorite line "A Ma'!"... and if I hear this one more time: "How are you? I'm fine...Ma I aint ask you how you look, I can see that you are fine...damn!" what the hell??? Bmore dude don't act like that...so it is refreshing to be around males that I like. And I must say...they are gorgeous...they tell me I'm beautiful...but the amount of beauty I am surrounded with is amazing. I'm loving this life. Eventually I do want to find one guy that I can be exclusive with...I was and still am the type that doesn't even casually date more than one guy...but forget all that...Imma casually date until someone convinces me that he is worth all my time. This one guy, let's call him 'A Taste of Philly"...go figure I would like a guy who could fit in with a Philly crowd...but he is a Bmore boy...so something about that makes him much different...Bmore dudes approach women differently...he came at me with humor...not some crued comment...and I really appreciated that...I usually don't give guys my number...but I was instantly attracted and he is soooooooo cute, even with his mini Philly beard (but much more clean cut than the typical Philly beard)...is making his presence known!!! I mean...he wants to see me whenever he has free time...Im seeing dude more than once a day sometimes...I thought I would be annoyed...but not with this guy...I like this attention and even more importantly I like this guy. He makes me feel so comfortable...Tiff you would like him...he has those strong arms you were talking about...wink wink. Now, preacher man...thinks we are getting married...I'm not sure at this point. He is a great guy...but Im not sure...he told me he will show me...that we are meant to be together...I'll give him sometime... it's difficult developing something fresh long distance, I have no problem working with a long distance relationship that is already established...but I met this dude and next week he was back at school...ummm that's a little too quick...but have hime tell it we have known each other forever. My fireman, is so inconsistent...and I don't like that...he also told me I was 'the one'...well you sure enough don't act like it. I know his schedule is crazy... he works crazy hours at the firehouse...but ummmm...you have breaks, you have days off...we do I hear from you every two weeks or why does it take you two weeks to return my calls??? We click on so many levels...but I need you to keep your word and give me some time...a relationship can not be built when one person is doing whatever and never letting you in on it. Now, lastly my eye-candy!!! mmmmmm-good!!! But...he is a man-whore!! No possible way I would ever be in a relationship with him...but he likes me...he is gorgeous and he likes spending time with me...so why not...I can have beautiful friends...that's all he has the potential to be...is my friend...but boy oh boy is he gorgeous!
...we shall see...I'm expecting someone to disguise themselves from the group!!!! Right now it's "A Taste of Philly"...but he is also the one I have known for the shortest period of time and I told myself I would never deal with another dude that was younger than me...he's 21...but I'm dealing with guys in their late 20's and they don't have there stuff together like this dude...he has some major potential...but who knows...he might be the one to convince me to give him my undivided attention. I think valentines day will be interesting this year...Who's taking me to dinner???? LOL... I'm not right...but I'm having fun...please believe I aint compromising for no one or nothing....
~ Until next time ~
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The One???
This was my anthem for 2005...but I'm moving on for 2006. Ms Tiff Tiff...I think of you everytime I play this song...I hope homeboy gets his act together for 2006...you are about to be a superstar nurse...class of '06...I'm so proud of you...well, anyway...this is dedicated to you my love... but remember...'The One' won't put you through all this...
"The One"
India.Arie
I’ve got this feeling that I need to express
Letting it out so you don’t have to guess
I’m making myself vulnerable
But you keep holding back so scared to let go
If you’re looking for love I think I could be
The one, the one, the one yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me why you wanna be so cruel
Acting like you don’t feel the way that you do
We’ve got the strongest compatibility
I just wanna explore the possibilities
But if you only wanna play games with me I ain’t
The one, the one, the one yeah
I ain’t got a husband, you ain’t got a wife
We two grown folks lets spend some time together
Get to know me better maybe share some laughter
It just might turn into happily ever after
You never know I just might be
The one, the one, the one
I just might be that special girl
The one that God made especially for you
I just might be that special girl
The one to make you happy- just want to make you happy
One day we might look up to find that we’re one
You and me
I know it might sound strange to you
But I’m telling you this because the feeling’s true
See, I got a feeling that you just might be the one
The one, the one, the one
India.Arie
I’ve got this feeling that I need to express
Letting it out so you don’t have to guess
I’m making myself vulnerable
But you keep holding back so scared to let go
If you’re looking for love I think I could be
The one, the one, the one yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me why you wanna be so cruel
Acting like you don’t feel the way that you do
We’ve got the strongest compatibility
I just wanna explore the possibilities
But if you only wanna play games with me I ain’t
The one, the one, the one yeah
I ain’t got a husband, you ain’t got a wife
We two grown folks lets spend some time together
Get to know me better maybe share some laughter
It just might turn into happily ever after
You never know I just might be
The one, the one, the one
I just might be that special girl
The one that God made especially for you
I just might be that special girl
The one to make you happy- just want to make you happy
One day we might look up to find that we’re one
You and me
I know it might sound strange to you
But I’m telling you this because the feeling’s true
See, I got a feeling that you just might be the one
The one, the one, the one
Touches your soul
...I'm back....yes twice in one day...back to back post....ummm yeah...I use to do this all the time... aways...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone touch your soul??? Might sound like a crazy question but the feeling is so real. I could tell you exactly what it feels like to me. It feels like a warm summer night with a gentle breeze. It feels like a great hug during a bad time. It feels like sunshine on your face. If feels like peace in the midst of turbulence. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't there are many people that can touch your soul. There are going to be special people who come into your life with that ability...and you will know who they are immediately. When you soul is touch...you will never forget it and you will never want that feeling to go away. I know you maybe wondering who has touched my soul...I would tell you. But if you've touched my soul you know who you are. If you don't know...but think I maybe talking about you...than you are probably right. I hope I've touched someone's soul. This is deeper than love to me...this is something that will last way beyond a relationship. Even if that person doesn't become the person you spend the rest of your life with... the feeling will never leave you. It's so much more than the physical...it's spiritual. I might be in this all by myself...but that's ok...because this feeling is that good...that I don't mind.
...can't control who touches your soul..."
You have to get United Soul "Reservations"...they capture this feeling so well in their music...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone touch your soul??? Might sound like a crazy question but the feeling is so real. I could tell you exactly what it feels like to me. It feels like a warm summer night with a gentle breeze. It feels like a great hug during a bad time. It feels like sunshine on your face. If feels like peace in the midst of turbulence. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't there are many people that can touch your soul. There are going to be special people who come into your life with that ability...and you will know who they are immediately. When you soul is touch...you will never forget it and you will never want that feeling to go away. I know you maybe wondering who has touched my soul...I would tell you. But if you've touched my soul you know who you are. If you don't know...but think I maybe talking about you...than you are probably right. I hope I've touched someone's soul. This is deeper than love to me...this is something that will last way beyond a relationship. Even if that person doesn't become the person you spend the rest of your life with... the feeling will never leave you. It's so much more than the physical...it's spiritual. I might be in this all by myself...but that's ok...because this feeling is that good...that I don't mind.
...can't control who touches your soul..."
You have to get United Soul "Reservations"...they capture this feeling so well in their music...
I don't do that anymore...
I was told to update my blog by a couple people...so... here goes...
I actually have had somethings to write, but I'm so tired most days that I get in the bed when I get home and don't get out until the next morning. I use to leave out the door at 6am for work and get home after 7pm. I had to cut that out...now I leave about 7:15/7:30 and get home after 7pm...you might think that an hour and a half difference isn't much...but YES...it has helped a bit. I remember the days when I could sleep in on weekends...ummm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember coming home and watching a bit of television and staying up all night doing random foolishness...ummmm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember going out in the middle of week and dancing with my girls and drinking a few drinks....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I remember that Friday, Saturday parties...and than keeping up for 8am Sunday service...ummmm yeah...well I still get up for church...but now it's at 10:30. I remember when...I would spend hours on the phone with someone and when I hung up I would want to call them back....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I'm trying to figure out what I do...I don't do anything right now that is totally enjoyable and peaceful. I have two jobs...event though I enjoy both of them, they are not at all peaceful. I use to be an artist...ummm yeah...I just look at my art supplies in the closet. I have become a tired person....with nothing to do for fun... this is so sad. Not to mention all the craziness that has been going on since I moved back to Bmore...oh wow...I think that's too much for blogger...
until next time...hopefully it won't be so long...only reason I wrote this is because I did it a my first job...I really should be sending criminals to jail...
I actually have had somethings to write, but I'm so tired most days that I get in the bed when I get home and don't get out until the next morning. I use to leave out the door at 6am for work and get home after 7pm. I had to cut that out...now I leave about 7:15/7:30 and get home after 7pm...you might think that an hour and a half difference isn't much...but YES...it has helped a bit. I remember the days when I could sleep in on weekends...ummm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember coming home and watching a bit of television and staying up all night doing random foolishness...ummmm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember going out in the middle of week and dancing with my girls and drinking a few drinks....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I remember that Friday, Saturday parties...and than keeping up for 8am Sunday service...ummmm yeah...well I still get up for church...but now it's at 10:30. I remember when...I would spend hours on the phone with someone and when I hung up I would want to call them back....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I'm trying to figure out what I do...I don't do anything right now that is totally enjoyable and peaceful. I have two jobs...event though I enjoy both of them, they are not at all peaceful. I use to be an artist...ummm yeah...I just look at my art supplies in the closet. I have become a tired person....with nothing to do for fun... this is so sad. Not to mention all the craziness that has been going on since I moved back to Bmore...oh wow...I think that's too much for blogger...
until next time...hopefully it won't be so long...only reason I wrote this is because I did it a my first job...I really should be sending criminals to jail...
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Feels like goodbye
I have the hardest time expressing to someone if I'm sad or my feelings are hurt...it comes off as if I have an attitude and if I speak too much to try and convince you that I don't have an attitude...my emotions are like a switch and I would start crying. If I'm silent, just nod my head...I can tell myself in my head...not to cry. If I start to express how I feel in words...as I'm speaking I will began crying. I don't want you to see me like that...I would rather hold it in...get over whatever I'm feeling in time...tears aren't something I let people see.
I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...
...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.
... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.
I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...
...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.
... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Why I Wait...The Complete Answer
I've been asked so many times why I have waited/why I am waiting/why I choose not to have sex. I thought I answered the question completely...but I have come to realize I might not have. It was difficult for me to articulate in words what I felt in my heart. This choice I have made is very personal and what others may say or do can not effect me. I'm sharing this story/journey...not to make anyone feel bad or to seem self righteous...but because I want to share this part of me...and I can put these feelings into word at this point. I feel I may have done a disservice to some people who have been in my life...in the past and those who are presently in my life, because I couldn't articulate why? I want to make sure I don't continue this for those who will be in future. I have to take you back to my childhood to really tell this story of how I got to where I am today.
I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.
My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.
Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.
This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:
~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it
Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya
This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.
~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife
...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.
I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.
My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.
Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.
This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:
~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it
Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya
This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.
~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife
...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.
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