Something happened???!!???

Do you think that change and growth could happen almost instantaneously??? Well, at this moment...I would have to say I think so...yes I know people say "change don't happen over night"...well...I aint saying it happened over night...I've saying it happen in a minute. How about that. But actually it's been seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months...for this change...I have just been holding on to something that time and again has pushed me off...I have let go for awhile...but than I regained that grip. There are times you have to embrace lose and move on...you will have the opportunity down the road to encounter it again. I might actually be using the wrong word when I say change...I think revelation might be better...well no, maybe understanding...oh wait I got it ACCEPTANCE!!! And Im not totally sure how this happened...but I know I feel a bit better already. I have been pretty down...being home hasn't turned out like I thought. There have been some issues with the fam...it seems like once a week a family member moves into the house...and I'm all about family...but why they all gotta live with me...anyways...personally...well...I won't even go there...

I start work next week...and I'm exciting because Im getting the opportunity to clerk for a circuit court judge who is highly respected in her field...I'm a little nervous about it...I've never worked closely with a judge. Being a judge is my ultimate goal...so getting this position is a step in the right direction and the experience and contacts are priceless. (mind you that this position calls for a third year law student or law school graduate) but I got this job with the help of God, some connections, my merit...and my BA degree (I knew going to Drexel wasn't a waste). I'm very thankful and know that I am blessed of God and highly favored.

So...let me get back to the 'light bulb' moment...I can't describe it...I can't put into words. Maybe it's what was said, how it was say, what wasn't said or that fact that it felt different...like I was a bother. But I'll tell you this... WOW!!! If I had opened my eyes a long time ago...I could have saved myself a lot of grief. The fact that I have been hoping, wishing, praying...doing whatever I've been doing. I'm not even going to play myself and act like Im totally over it...but I know I gotta think differently, act differently. I'm expecting greatness in my life and can't wait for all that is in store for me. I start everyday as if it were on PURPOSE!!!! I feel excited about my life...and once again I can't tell you why I feel so different at this moment than I did 15mins ago.

When I think about it...I'm really doing some big things...got a great job (which ultimately will lead to a great career; will be having the opportunity to travel...Boston or Georgia will be first...not sure yet (tell you more about this later), volunteering like crazy (something I love to do), getting to go some fabolous placing with fabolous people, about to sitting on a board of directors for an awesome program (program for development of inner city families...one of my passions), starting a dance program for young girls...and much more to come!!!

Something clicked with me...I'm thankful to all my friends who have really supported me and my foolishness (well, Im glad ya'll had sense not to support the foolishness) Even though ya'll might say to my face that I wasn't being foolish...but...ummm...yes I truly was and I understand that now. More than once...more than one person...I've gotten all wrapped up. I know that emotions (bad, sad, happy, glad...I'm always to one extreme or the other) are my weakness...so I need to be prepared and focused. I'm not going to say that I am going to guard myself better...because I don't want to get to a place where I can't freely express how I feel. I love the fact that people who I care about...now without a doubt that I care about them. I'm not ashamed to show love and affection to all of my family and friends...I will continue this...but I know now that the next one...will have to 'earn' all that love and affection...I won't so easily give it out. I won't open myself to people who don't want to be open in return...I understand the principle of give and take much clearer right now. I am so giving...and I have been willing to allow people to take and take...I feel so drained...it's going to take a minute for me to build myself up...to regenerate. WHOA!!!! I'm on my way to feeling refreshed...look out world...I aint think I could get any better...but you haven't seen anything just...I'm bout to take this world by storm. Either support me or get out my way. I could settle for being just good enough...but I'd rather be great, extraordinary, better than anything you have ever seen.

Sorry this was a long one...I guess I had a lot to say...

A Dilemma!!!

I have a dilemma and I need help dealing with this dilemma!!! Where do I begin...so there is this guy...you all 'know' about this guy because I stay referring to him in posts. Anway...I still like this guy. I don't want to like this guy, but I can't help liking this guy. Common sense tells me to forget about this guy, but something stronger than that won't allow me. What is wrong with me??? Ok, if that wasn't enough...here's my dilemma. This guy has a girlfriend...and of course I was not happy to learn about this relationship but I have tried to deal with it. I can't help but hope, wish, think that their relationship will end. Hoping that she is not the 'one' for him. I can only dream that one day soon he will tell me that he misses me and that his relationship with his girlfriend has come to an end. How awlful is that??? I can't believe that I would wish a relationship to be over. I've never been like that before (oh wait, there was this one time last year...but that relationship was not a guy I liked or anything...it was a guy that was dealing with my girl and I knew she could do better, so I kinda wished something would happen to end that mess...) I asked this guy the other day, "Are you happy?" He replied..."Im content...I don't get happy." That statement really upset me...because I truly want him to be happy. I guess that's just the type of person I am...I care about others well-being. As soon as he said that...my crazy thinking went to straight to thinking that one of the reasons he isn't happy is because he is with her...know that could be true...but who am I to think that. I don't know his girlfriend...so I shouldn't think that she is not a wonderful woman. She probably is wonderful and probably really cares for him...but I can't help thinking what I think. I want him to happy with her or with someone...of course I wish that someone was me...because I know I can make him happy. I shouldn't be so selfish...am I only thinking of myself??? I'm not even sure anymore. I would feel really stupid if I was sitting around and thinking about him and he didn't give a care about me...well I guess I should take the fact that he has a girlfriend and that girlfriend isn't me...that he doesn't care about me. But maybe, possibly, some way, some how...Im not the only one thinking about how good we could be together. Maybe I need counseling...maybe I should talk to him about this (but I can't, I'm too much of a punk)...Someone please help me!!! I am so horrible...I don't wish him bad...quite the opposite I wish him so much success, happiness, peace, and every other positive thing in life...I want his future to be better than he could ever imagine. He told me why we stopped dealing with each other...and honestly I was upset at that time and really don't remember what he said...but I do know...that I was willing to do what was necessary to have a successful relationship with him in the future. Maybe the girlfriend should be a sign to me...but she isn't and I don't know why. I understand that we aren't dealing and most likely won't ever deal...but... (SCREAMING!!!!!!)

I believe

I believe
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - that it going to take time for me to become the person I want to be.

I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - that my friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the

Loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do. I also learned that we as people go through different rebirths in our lives. That's just the process of life, we're constantly being reborn at different times, and pain and hurt are the greatest birthing process you can really go through. To really grow and learn your lessons you gotta experience some pain. And I learned that attachment can be one of our biggest detriments.

~Common

Feeling Random!

This year has been crazy, crazy for me... in some ways this year is over and I'm so glad. I know the calendar year isn't over, but I don't live my life by the calendar... I mark my years from birthday to next birthday. I celebrated my 22nd Birthday July 30th...so that marks the beginning of my 22nd year of life. I have been so angry this past year... really feeling like bangin somebody repeatedly. I'm leaving Philly this weekend...even though I've moved back home twice before (for co-ops) this time it's permanent! I'm not coming back in six months. I'm finished my college education and it's now time for me to move on to other things in my life. I decided to move back to Bmore because I'm taking an one year break before law school and I wanted to save money. If you asked my four years ago when I graduated from high school would I ever move back full-time into my parent's home after getting my degree...I would have most likely said no!!! But I realize that this is the best for me at this point in my life. Why live on my own when I have a supportive family right in the area I want to live? Doing that would be a waste of money and stress paying bills that I really don't need right now.

My roomie's 21st birthday is Friday...and I hope it's her best birthday ever! We plan on starting the celebration on Thursay...her best friend is coming up to celebrate so I know she will have a wonderful weekend (starting Thursday and lasting through Saturday)

My boys have a new spot...I have yet to see this spot...but I hear they are living like ballas. I'm happy for them...they went through a lot of changes to get this house...yes house! I hope that everything works out of the best. The housewarming...but I will call it the official 'show-off party' goes down this Saturday. Now I was going to be back in Bmore for good by Saturday night...but I can't/won't miss my boy's event. So I will be officially out of here Sunday! I'm kinda sad...but more happy. I will see my people often and I know Er and I will talk all the time. She needs to get Verizon or I need to get her cell phone carrier...because she loves to make random calls to tell me about how awlful someone looked (even though I be like Er, "Can't it wait til I get home..." these calls make me smile) I won't be able to say wait til I get home...our homes have been the same for the past two years... practically three if you count Myers...but now Imma be living in Bmore and she will be living in Philly. :( We must live it up the next few days. I have so many people I need to get up with before I leave...I hope I get to see everyone.

This post was so random...but I guess that's how I feel...RANDOM!!!!

You are an encouragement

Despite what you think and probably because I don't tell you enough...you are a great encouragement. I love you and I thank God for you daily. I hope you don't mind me sharing my card with the blogging world...this really touched my heart. Wow...today I have received all these wonderful words and I know that in time I will begin to feel much better. I'm on my way... and looking forward to joy.

"I wish I had a magic wand that I could just wave in your direction and make everything 'all better'. I wish I had a sprinkle of stardust that would erase every problem that's come your way. If only I could get my hands on a magic lamp and rub it until a genie appeared, I would ask for an end to all your cares and the beginning of great happiness for you. I don't really have any magic, but if deep feelings and warm thoughts can help, there's definitely come wonder-working stuff headed your way. "

~Cheryl Hawkinson~

Thanks Er for these words...

One Flaw in Women

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope, and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

My cuz sent this to me today...and oh my...thank you God for being on time. I need this... I hope it encourages someone else as it encouraged me... take care...