Why I Wait...The Complete Answer

I've been asked so many times why I have waited/why I am waiting/why I choose not to have sex. I thought I answered the question completely...but I have come to realize I might not have. It was difficult for me to articulate in words what I felt in my heart. This choice I have made is very personal and what others may say or do can not effect me. I'm sharing this story/journey...not to make anyone feel bad or to seem self righteous...but because I want to share this part of me...and I can put these feelings into word at this point. I feel I may have done a disservice to some people who have been in my life...in the past and those who are presently in my life, because I couldn't articulate why? I want to make sure I don't continue this for those who will be in future. I have to take you back to my childhood to really tell this story of how I got to where I am today.

I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.

My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.

Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.

This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:

~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it

Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya

This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.

~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife

...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.

Something happened???!!???

Do you think that change and growth could happen almost instantaneously??? Well, at this moment...I would have to say I think so...yes I know people say "change don't happen over night"...well...I aint saying it happened over night...I've saying it happen in a minute. How about that. But actually it's been seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months...for this change...I have just been holding on to something that time and again has pushed me off...I have let go for awhile...but than I regained that grip. There are times you have to embrace lose and move on...you will have the opportunity down the road to encounter it again. I might actually be using the wrong word when I say change...I think revelation might be better...well no, maybe understanding...oh wait I got it ACCEPTANCE!!! And Im not totally sure how this happened...but I know I feel a bit better already. I have been pretty down...being home hasn't turned out like I thought. There have been some issues with the fam...it seems like once a week a family member moves into the house...and I'm all about family...but why they all gotta live with me...anyways...personally...well...I won't even go there...

I start work next week...and I'm exciting because Im getting the opportunity to clerk for a circuit court judge who is highly respected in her field...I'm a little nervous about it...I've never worked closely with a judge. Being a judge is my ultimate goal...so getting this position is a step in the right direction and the experience and contacts are priceless. (mind you that this position calls for a third year law student or law school graduate) but I got this job with the help of God, some connections, my merit...and my BA degree (I knew going to Drexel wasn't a waste). I'm very thankful and know that I am blessed of God and highly favored.

So...let me get back to the 'light bulb' moment...I can't describe it...I can't put into words. Maybe it's what was said, how it was say, what wasn't said or that fact that it felt different...like I was a bother. But I'll tell you this... WOW!!! If I had opened my eyes a long time ago...I could have saved myself a lot of grief. The fact that I have been hoping, wishing, praying...doing whatever I've been doing. I'm not even going to play myself and act like Im totally over it...but I know I gotta think differently, act differently. I'm expecting greatness in my life and can't wait for all that is in store for me. I start everyday as if it were on PURPOSE!!!! I feel excited about my life...and once again I can't tell you why I feel so different at this moment than I did 15mins ago.

When I think about it...I'm really doing some big things...got a great job (which ultimately will lead to a great career; will be having the opportunity to travel...Boston or Georgia will be first...not sure yet (tell you more about this later), volunteering like crazy (something I love to do), getting to go some fabolous placing with fabolous people, about to sitting on a board of directors for an awesome program (program for development of inner city families...one of my passions), starting a dance program for young girls...and much more to come!!!

Something clicked with me...I'm thankful to all my friends who have really supported me and my foolishness (well, Im glad ya'll had sense not to support the foolishness) Even though ya'll might say to my face that I wasn't being foolish...but...ummm...yes I truly was and I understand that now. More than once...more than one person...I've gotten all wrapped up. I know that emotions (bad, sad, happy, glad...I'm always to one extreme or the other) are my weakness...so I need to be prepared and focused. I'm not going to say that I am going to guard myself better...because I don't want to get to a place where I can't freely express how I feel. I love the fact that people who I care about...now without a doubt that I care about them. I'm not ashamed to show love and affection to all of my family and friends...I will continue this...but I know now that the next one...will have to 'earn' all that love and affection...I won't so easily give it out. I won't open myself to people who don't want to be open in return...I understand the principle of give and take much clearer right now. I am so giving...and I have been willing to allow people to take and take...I feel so drained...it's going to take a minute for me to build myself up...to regenerate. WHOA!!!! I'm on my way to feeling refreshed...look out world...I aint think I could get any better...but you haven't seen anything just...I'm bout to take this world by storm. Either support me or get out my way. I could settle for being just good enough...but I'd rather be great, extraordinary, better than anything you have ever seen.

Sorry this was a long one...I guess I had a lot to say...

A Dilemma!!!

I have a dilemma and I need help dealing with this dilemma!!! Where do I begin...so there is this guy...you all 'know' about this guy because I stay referring to him in posts. Anway...I still like this guy. I don't want to like this guy, but I can't help liking this guy. Common sense tells me to forget about this guy, but something stronger than that won't allow me. What is wrong with me??? Ok, if that wasn't enough...here's my dilemma. This guy has a girlfriend...and of course I was not happy to learn about this relationship but I have tried to deal with it. I can't help but hope, wish, think that their relationship will end. Hoping that she is not the 'one' for him. I can only dream that one day soon he will tell me that he misses me and that his relationship with his girlfriend has come to an end. How awlful is that??? I can't believe that I would wish a relationship to be over. I've never been like that before (oh wait, there was this one time last year...but that relationship was not a guy I liked or anything...it was a guy that was dealing with my girl and I knew she could do better, so I kinda wished something would happen to end that mess...) I asked this guy the other day, "Are you happy?" He replied..."Im content...I don't get happy." That statement really upset me...because I truly want him to be happy. I guess that's just the type of person I am...I care about others well-being. As soon as he said that...my crazy thinking went to straight to thinking that one of the reasons he isn't happy is because he is with her...know that could be true...but who am I to think that. I don't know his girlfriend...so I shouldn't think that she is not a wonderful woman. She probably is wonderful and probably really cares for him...but I can't help thinking what I think. I want him to happy with her or with someone...of course I wish that someone was me...because I know I can make him happy. I shouldn't be so selfish...am I only thinking of myself??? I'm not even sure anymore. I would feel really stupid if I was sitting around and thinking about him and he didn't give a care about me...well I guess I should take the fact that he has a girlfriend and that girlfriend isn't me...that he doesn't care about me. But maybe, possibly, some way, some how...Im not the only one thinking about how good we could be together. Maybe I need counseling...maybe I should talk to him about this (but I can't, I'm too much of a punk)...Someone please help me!!! I am so horrible...I don't wish him bad...quite the opposite I wish him so much success, happiness, peace, and every other positive thing in life...I want his future to be better than he could ever imagine. He told me why we stopped dealing with each other...and honestly I was upset at that time and really don't remember what he said...but I do know...that I was willing to do what was necessary to have a successful relationship with him in the future. Maybe the girlfriend should be a sign to me...but she isn't and I don't know why. I understand that we aren't dealing and most likely won't ever deal...but... (SCREAMING!!!!!!)

I believe

I believe
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - that it going to take time for me to become the person I want to be.

I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - that my friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the

Loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do. I also learned that we as people go through different rebirths in our lives. That's just the process of life, we're constantly being reborn at different times, and pain and hurt are the greatest birthing process you can really go through. To really grow and learn your lessons you gotta experience some pain. And I learned that attachment can be one of our biggest detriments.

~Common

Feeling Random!

This year has been crazy, crazy for me... in some ways this year is over and I'm so glad. I know the calendar year isn't over, but I don't live my life by the calendar... I mark my years from birthday to next birthday. I celebrated my 22nd Birthday July 30th...so that marks the beginning of my 22nd year of life. I have been so angry this past year... really feeling like bangin somebody repeatedly. I'm leaving Philly this weekend...even though I've moved back home twice before (for co-ops) this time it's permanent! I'm not coming back in six months. I'm finished my college education and it's now time for me to move on to other things in my life. I decided to move back to Bmore because I'm taking an one year break before law school and I wanted to save money. If you asked my four years ago when I graduated from high school would I ever move back full-time into my parent's home after getting my degree...I would have most likely said no!!! But I realize that this is the best for me at this point in my life. Why live on my own when I have a supportive family right in the area I want to live? Doing that would be a waste of money and stress paying bills that I really don't need right now.

My roomie's 21st birthday is Friday...and I hope it's her best birthday ever! We plan on starting the celebration on Thursay...her best friend is coming up to celebrate so I know she will have a wonderful weekend (starting Thursday and lasting through Saturday)

My boys have a new spot...I have yet to see this spot...but I hear they are living like ballas. I'm happy for them...they went through a lot of changes to get this house...yes house! I hope that everything works out of the best. The housewarming...but I will call it the official 'show-off party' goes down this Saturday. Now I was going to be back in Bmore for good by Saturday night...but I can't/won't miss my boy's event. So I will be officially out of here Sunday! I'm kinda sad...but more happy. I will see my people often and I know Er and I will talk all the time. She needs to get Verizon or I need to get her cell phone carrier...because she loves to make random calls to tell me about how awlful someone looked (even though I be like Er, "Can't it wait til I get home..." these calls make me smile) I won't be able to say wait til I get home...our homes have been the same for the past two years... practically three if you count Myers...but now Imma be living in Bmore and she will be living in Philly. :( We must live it up the next few days. I have so many people I need to get up with before I leave...I hope I get to see everyone.

This post was so random...but I guess that's how I feel...RANDOM!!!!

You are an encouragement

Despite what you think and probably because I don't tell you enough...you are a great encouragement. I love you and I thank God for you daily. I hope you don't mind me sharing my card with the blogging world...this really touched my heart. Wow...today I have received all these wonderful words and I know that in time I will begin to feel much better. I'm on my way... and looking forward to joy.

"I wish I had a magic wand that I could just wave in your direction and make everything 'all better'. I wish I had a sprinkle of stardust that would erase every problem that's come your way. If only I could get my hands on a magic lamp and rub it until a genie appeared, I would ask for an end to all your cares and the beginning of great happiness for you. I don't really have any magic, but if deep feelings and warm thoughts can help, there's definitely come wonder-working stuff headed your way. "

~Cheryl Hawkinson~

Thanks Er for these words...