I haven't been in this blog world for awhile. I can't really express in words why not but I know it's because of all the things I've been going through. I have lost my motivation to write. Every time I share...I feel as if I have just played myself. I'm seeing all this happiness around me and at times I must admit that I am jealous. Jealousy is not a natural emotion for me, but lately I can't help but see things in other people and want it for myself. Today my baby girl really made me smile with her words...thanks baby...but you and Dware are too cute. I love seeing you happy...I wouldn't want that to change for anything. I want to get some feelings and emotions off my chest, but I'm such a punk and I can't talk to the people that I need to talk with. If I could just sit down and share somethings with some people I know I would feel much better. If I could tell them...that I care, that I respect them, that they impacted my life, that I miss them, that I want to be there for them... I'm so ready to love someone fully, completely and unconditionally... I know one day that special person will come into my life. I think my feelings get hurt so much (shhhh...that's a secret, people think I'm this rock...but I really aint)...because I trust people, I see the best in people...people can do me wrong and I will give them chance after chance. I think people are going to share my feeling, when often times they don't. I feel like I am walking around sometimes completely alone and forgotten. I know that I have a wonderful family and group of friends...but sometimes even in their midst I still feel like I have such a void in my life. Something is missing, I feel so unfilled. I have so much to give and no one/where to pour all of me into. I saw 22 years of life this past Saturday and my friends were really there to support me and show me so much love and I am so thankful. Everyone who could come out to my party came and those who couldn't called and wished me so much happiness. I don't think anyone knows this...but there were moments during my party when I wanted to sit in a corner and cry. Alright I know what you are thinking (WTF!!!) Me, cry??? I know...it something I use to not do...but lately I've found myself either crying or on the edge of tears. I'm not sure why I felt this way. Maybe because at every corner I saw all this love and affection...but I felt like none of it was for me...maybe because the person I wanted to be at the party the most aint act the way I had 'dreamed' about...maybe because I have way more internal demons than I ever realized. Overall I enjoyed the party and was so thankful to all those who came out. I got a real shock towards the end of the night... I'm glad I know...but wow I had two feelings at that moment when I heard "You know he has a girlfriend...right??!!!"I felt...stupidity and this feeling of worthlessness. I just wanted to be left alone, but of course that didn't happen. I have a great sense of self-worth...but in that moment...I felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough...whatever enough that would make him feel about me the way I feel about him...and I still haven't shaken these feelings, I was upset and didn't want to talk to anyone...but I must be crazy cuz I don't feel that way today. If he came up to me right this second and said "I want to be with you"...I would be overjoyed...I'm not saying that I would be with him...but I would be overjoyed (damn...I just confused!) ...I really wish we could have a convo and I could get all my feelings out...but that probably won't happen. I am really going to miss my people here in Philly. But I can not wait, absolutely can not wait to go back home to Bmore. I find peace at home, in the comfort of very familiar surroundings. Hopefully it will be a time to rejuvenate and restore...my spirit has been broken and I want so badly for it to be mended. I told my girls I was depressed today...I think they thought I was playing by the way I said it...but actually I feel so low...because my mom is a physiologist...I know that I am technically not depressed...but at this moment I could not be any closer to depression. I'm going to continue to pray because I can't let myself slip into depression because I may never come back... I'm sad but I'm also thankful...what a crazy mix of emotions
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Awwwww Zeely. I feel that way sometimes too. I found that when I don't expect anything and let things flow, that's when I'm the happiest. I'm sure that when you least expect it your prince will arrive. You just have to wait. I've never been in love either, I would like to , but have never had the oppurtunity. I see all of my friends in relationships and I wish I could be like that too. But, I realize that it just isn't my time and that I can't do anything about. If you feel lonely, you should find someone to talk to. They might night be what you consider your perfect man, but they may give you what you need to fill that void. Who knows what will develop. Sometimes it's up to you to see a little further than appearance to what a man may be able to offer you. I do it all the time!!! You know the guys I date. You say you can't see me with so and so. They might not be wealthy..blah blah blah, (which I can pull any day of the week mind you) but they speak to my intellect and emotions rather than my my wallet or social persona. Well, that was my advice. If you wanna talk more about it, you know every which way to reach me.
U are untouchable, unique and irreplaceable...I don't have an answer for why your prince charming has come into ur life or why you've had run-ins with these crazy niggas..but I kno that God won't do you like that..you've been too good of a servant to Him, that he would leave you without the love of ur life or leave u with a void..we kno that there is reason, but we're ju not clear as to what it is..
I took u seriously about ur comment..I tried to joke to brighten you up, but I was left in awe..to hear that the one I looked to for strength and as my example was in a state of distress..I know u well enough to kno that ur not completely happy, but I feel like such a loser for not being able o tell you the perfect advice or give u a great sense of comfort..but i can say that all these events are building the character of you and you'll back on these days and this blog ans wee the groth..you'll what the wait was for and you'll have God allowed everything to happen in due time..I love u
Post a Comment