So, I said I had much more to say on the topic of my last post and I also said I was going to share some personal stories and I'm in the mood to share. (warning this post is long!!!)
Not sure why it took me over 5 years to truly let go of a very negative and draining relationship. In the past I have said I was over it, past it, and things were cool. That wasn't a total lie but I came to realize that some relationships need to be completely cut off...none of the occassional phone calls, text messages, how are you doing?, nothing, nada. But this is difficult to do, speaking from my own experience. First you feel like you don't want to be the one to stop the communication, what do you say, do you just ignore the calls and he will get the message, do come right out and tell him you don't want anything to do with him and please loose your number? Well, I did none of the above and I now know why I didn't...it's because in the back of mind, in a small place in my heart I still wanted to be with him somehow, someway. If I was using common sense I would have long since realized that wasn't a possibility, but I was letting my emotions lead me and that's not a smart move when you've been shown all the signs that the relationship is nothing good and pretty much all bad.
When the light bulb went off in my head and I knew at that moment that to truly be available and open for all the things and people I wanted in my life I had to do some cutting away of all that was bad. At the top of the list was...(I'll call him) Mason. Why did I not want to let go of him? It's just a cop out to say "I can't move on", "I hurts", "I loved him"...because it truly comes a point when all these things are excuses you are making to stay in a bad place because you aren't confident enough to 'fly' on your own and truly get in line with what God has for you. Like I said before...we love to get in the way of God. We love to make excuses and call them reasons. I once heard a preacher say, "Excuses are demonic!" wow...this is so true...what place do excuses have in a successful, positive life? My answer is that there is no place. Do you actually know what the word 'excuse' means? a defense of some offensive behavior or some failure to keep a promise etc.; to overlook, make allowances for (someone's behavior), transparent self-justification (that is unacceptable)...the word has several meanings...and none of them are things I want me to use to describe me...what about you?
I've stop making excuses, I'm taking responsibility for what I allow to happen to me and around me. Yes, I'm taking responsibilty...so I was hurt but I'm the one that allowed that hurt to continue long after it could have been over. I allowed Mason to have a form of control over my heart and emotions. Why I did this? Because I was being weak, because I didn't want to take charge over my future and I didn't want to cut him off. I realized that by allowing Mason to have such a powerful role in my life (he probably didn't even realize his power), was stopping me from experiencing all that I could experienced (especially in my personal life). How many of us (women and men) have or have had a tie to a negative relationship that should have long since been over. Healing takes place much quicker, when you clean the wound, remove the infection, bandage it and get on with daily life (exercise the injury so it's because strong again)...so basically you need to come to peace that it's over and thank God it is, cut ALL ties with the person, and pray for God to mend your heart and bring the right person in your life at the right time. I did exactly this...yeah it took me years, don't be like me PLEASE! Get it right now.
This was my healing process...
First I asked the Lord reveal (something He had done a long time ago, but I ignored Him because I didn't like the answer). Than I asked Him to remove (and for the first time I really meant it)...no point in asking for something if you really don't want it, I really want it, I realized I really needed it. Finally I asked the Lord to restore (my heart), make me stronger, more confident, at peace with who am I and who I am becoming. As always..God answered my prayers and this time I was willing to receive what it took to truly move beyond this. So, I've done the "3Rs" before but never walked it out... I never erased the number from my phone (yes, you must do this...don't change the name to 'do not answer' or don't say but what if he calls I may not recognize it and answer (whatever!) God has removed him from your life, he's not going to call (maybe you're hoping he will so you won't feel so mad about wanting to call yourself...but that feeling will past, believe me)...you're making those 'excuses' again!. Did you remove his email from your list? Did you throw away the love notes, the pictures of you two all hugged up and stuff? I mean, why are you keeping them? I know you wouldn't want your future husband to be holding on to pictures, letters, personal gifts from an ex...so why should you? You want your future husband to be getting ready for you, so you should be getting ready for him. See you're blocking your blessings if you dont. You can't expect to get what you want if you don't get yourself to a healthy place so you can attract what you want...remember you aren't out looking for your future mate, but you don't want him overlooking you because he can see all the mess, confusion, etc all over you. If he's right with the Lord, (which we want him to be)...the Lord is going to show him that you're a mess and he's going to run away...ever wonder why you thought you met a great guy and than he never calls you back (well, he could be a jerk, but what if he has a personal relationship with the Lord and the Lord reveals to him that you're not the one and the reason you aren't the one is because he's ready for the one and you're now the toxic one because you haven't moved past your 'Mason'...something to think about!).
Move past, over, get around, climb on top and squash...do whatever you need to do to gain a release...a release of your mind (you won't think about the person on the regular...why? because you are too focused on the many great things in your life), a release of your spirit (you will feel free and at peace...this is especially important if you were physical in any way with your Mason you must realize that when you become physical with a person a piece of your soul is forever connected to them and vice versa (this is Scriptural people, I dont make this stuff up)...you have to pray for that release, you don't want to be carrying that person around forever and you don't want that person carrying you around forever and sharing that piece of your soul with everyone else they physically come in contact with and vice versa (think about this...it's deep)...just getting over your Mason and not praying for this type of release can have many negative consequences in your future...dont be shy God already knows about Mason, so pray for the release...God is waiting for you to ask), and a release of your heart (it will be mended and the lessons learned will cause you to be thankful instead of sad).
I have gone on and on about what I learned from this seemingly never ending relationship with Mason... I didn't realize I had so much to say. I guess after 5 years you have alot of thoughts on a topic. But he's no longer 'my' Mason, he can be someone elses...and hopefully all that I've done and all my prayers will also help him be a great Man for his future wife...yes I prayed for him too...all part of the TRUE healing process...ya'll, I wasn't playing...I'm getting things right for my husband!
~Until next time
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
What happened to courting???
So, me and my girl Quita have been having some really deep conversations about our future and that man God has for us in that future. These conversations have inspired me to share the Godly insight we have been gaining together...God is so good in so many ways!
Ladies are often worried, concerned, bothered that they aren't enough, that they can't/won't find love but this isnt true. The man for you has been beautifully and wonderfully created my our Father God. If we allow God to be the discussion maker there will be no problems, no mistakes, no questions. Stop choosing the man you think you should be with...stop making plans about who he is, how you are going to meet him etc etc... my grandfather use to always say "We make plans and God laughs at them." meaning that God is the divine director, if we try to decide how things should go we most likely will get in the way of what God has already plan. We've got to remember that our life was 'mapped' out my God before we were even born.
So you've met the man of your dreams...well have you checked with God?...does he meet the criteria that is non-negotiable? Like, does he love the Lord? Numero uno! Date him, gather the data determine his attributes and make a honest GODLY decision if you should allow him to pursue you...yes, I said 'him pursue you' What's going on with ladies these day chasing after men? Forget that new millennium woman...that is a hott mess! If ladies stop trying to run everything in a relationship and get in their place they would start experiencing the 'dream' relationship women back in the day experienced. There is something wonderful about a woman being woman and that woman allowing her man to take his place and be a man.
So you've dated him now and all is going well. Do you two have a friendship? Are you walking side by side, hand in hand towards a common goal? If not something is wrong and this relationship shouldn't go forward. I believe what people in great marriages say, 'You must be friends first and remain friends throughout your lifetime together.' Friendship is key people! and I'm talking about a REAL friendship...open and honest communication about the good and bad, the hurt and disappointment, you've got to be vulnerable. Are you able to get down and dirty and do that 'ugly' cry in front of each other lol... I know it sounds crazy but are you really able to let it all hang out? Ask yourself this...and give a honest answer.
Now, what has happened to courting...my mama always told me a man should court me...if he's not willing to do that he is obviously not willing to be with me...this should be an obvious thing but we have lowered our standards so far that we will take just about any mess just to get to the altar. Do men even pick a lady up, come to the door (I don't even think women expect this, but I do!), bring flowers or whatever his lady likes, open doors, compliment his lady... so many seemingly simply things that don't happen very often these days and many women don't 'demand' this type of treatment, even go as far as to say they don't like or want this type of treatment (they are an independent woman), I'm independent woman too, but I want my man to do all the above and more for me or he wont be my man. When you are being courted it is with the intention towards the altar, you should be laying the foundation, a strong foundation for your future together (marriage). What happened to taking time to build a strong relationship...for each couple the amount of time it takes to build this relationship varies but no matter how short or long the time is...please take the time. Honest, quality time truly getting to know each other's good, bad, ugly and beautiful is what needs to happen. And please pay attention...a person may try to hide who they truly are at first, but they will eventually show their true self and believe them when they show you the crazy, don't ignore what they are 'telling' you. (I learned a hard lesson here).
When you are in this relationship, please never forget to pray...stay on your face before the Lord and he will surely guide your steps. And once again listen and believe what the Lord tells you...He's not going to lie, trick or deceive you.
Stop worrying is there something wrong with me, because there is nothing wrong with you, there is something right with him...when there is something right with him there will be something right between the two of you.
This love thing really does work...let Him (God) be the match - maker and you're on the right track. I have so much more to say on this topic...and I will be coming with more installments and personal stories in the near future.
~take care
Ladies are often worried, concerned, bothered that they aren't enough, that they can't/won't find love but this isnt true. The man for you has been beautifully and wonderfully created my our Father God. If we allow God to be the discussion maker there will be no problems, no mistakes, no questions. Stop choosing the man you think you should be with...stop making plans about who he is, how you are going to meet him etc etc... my grandfather use to always say "We make plans and God laughs at them." meaning that God is the divine director, if we try to decide how things should go we most likely will get in the way of what God has already plan. We've got to remember that our life was 'mapped' out my God before we were even born.
So you've met the man of your dreams...well have you checked with God?...does he meet the criteria that is non-negotiable? Like, does he love the Lord? Numero uno! Date him, gather the data determine his attributes and make a honest GODLY decision if you should allow him to pursue you...yes, I said 'him pursue you' What's going on with ladies these day chasing after men? Forget that new millennium woman...that is a hott mess! If ladies stop trying to run everything in a relationship and get in their place they would start experiencing the 'dream' relationship women back in the day experienced. There is something wonderful about a woman being woman and that woman allowing her man to take his place and be a man.
So you've dated him now and all is going well. Do you two have a friendship? Are you walking side by side, hand in hand towards a common goal? If not something is wrong and this relationship shouldn't go forward. I believe what people in great marriages say, 'You must be friends first and remain friends throughout your lifetime together.' Friendship is key people! and I'm talking about a REAL friendship...open and honest communication about the good and bad, the hurt and disappointment, you've got to be vulnerable. Are you able to get down and dirty and do that 'ugly' cry in front of each other lol... I know it sounds crazy but are you really able to let it all hang out? Ask yourself this...and give a honest answer.
Now, what has happened to courting...my mama always told me a man should court me...if he's not willing to do that he is obviously not willing to be with me...this should be an obvious thing but we have lowered our standards so far that we will take just about any mess just to get to the altar. Do men even pick a lady up, come to the door (I don't even think women expect this, but I do!), bring flowers or whatever his lady likes, open doors, compliment his lady... so many seemingly simply things that don't happen very often these days and many women don't 'demand' this type of treatment, even go as far as to say they don't like or want this type of treatment (they are an independent woman), I'm independent woman too, but I want my man to do all the above and more for me or he wont be my man. When you are being courted it is with the intention towards the altar, you should be laying the foundation, a strong foundation for your future together (marriage). What happened to taking time to build a strong relationship...for each couple the amount of time it takes to build this relationship varies but no matter how short or long the time is...please take the time. Honest, quality time truly getting to know each other's good, bad, ugly and beautiful is what needs to happen. And please pay attention...a person may try to hide who they truly are at first, but they will eventually show their true self and believe them when they show you the crazy, don't ignore what they are 'telling' you. (I learned a hard lesson here).
When you are in this relationship, please never forget to pray...stay on your face before the Lord and he will surely guide your steps. And once again listen and believe what the Lord tells you...He's not going to lie, trick or deceive you.
Stop worrying is there something wrong with me, because there is nothing wrong with you, there is something right with him...when there is something right with him there will be something right between the two of you.
This love thing really does work...let Him (God) be the match - maker and you're on the right track. I have so much more to say on this topic...and I will be coming with more installments and personal stories in the near future.
~take care
Did you miss me?
I'm Back!
So much has been going on with me I have no idea where to begin. I've moved to Lansing, MI to pursue my Juris Doctorate and I'm loving every minute of law school, not loving every minute of Lansing, MI. But I'm so blessed that God has opened this door...so Im walking through this.
God has been so good to me this year, 2008 is blowing my mind...things I wanted, things I needed, things I have prayed for have been coming to past. Over the last 12 months dreams have come true...I became a of member of the greatest sorority in the land Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., I was accepted into law school, I'm having the opportunity to live on my own for the first time in my life (something I really wanted to do), I'm meeting new people and making great connections, I'm seeing new parts of the country (and soon the world). Life is so exciting at this point. And I'm about to be 25... just really really happy right now.
So much has been going on with me I have no idea where to begin. I've moved to Lansing, MI to pursue my Juris Doctorate and I'm loving every minute of law school, not loving every minute of Lansing, MI. But I'm so blessed that God has opened this door...so Im walking through this.
God has been so good to me this year, 2008 is blowing my mind...things I wanted, things I needed, things I have prayed for have been coming to past. Over the last 12 months dreams have come true...I became a of member of the greatest sorority in the land Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., I was accepted into law school, I'm having the opportunity to live on my own for the first time in my life (something I really wanted to do), I'm meeting new people and making great connections, I'm seeing new parts of the country (and soon the world). Life is so exciting at this point. And I'm about to be 25... just really really happy right now.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Long Time
It's been two months since I have written anything on here...anything in my journal....any poetry...two months since I have picked up a pen for creative expression. I'm not sure why but hey... the time pasted...things have happened and we move forward. Ya'll aren't ready to hear all that I have been doing, been thru and experienced the last couple months. All I can say is God is good and without Him I don't know where I would be.
Months ago...I mentioned that I was popular...well..."A Taste of Philly" won me over. I have to figure out a new nickname for him because he cut his beard down...so the look of a philly dude is gone. I love it...I suggested it...and I'm glad he thinks I'm so wonderful that he did it and likes the clean look again. Ya'll this one is great...crazy, but great. I wasn't looking...but I may have been found. I'm happy in this thing we got going on....so that's all that matters right now. The parents like him...I've met all his family...I got some mixed reviews...but I think it will be ok. This summer we plan on spending lots of time with each others family. We are talking about the future...and I feel good about it. I'm not where I want to be in life...he's not actually where I would want a husband to be in life...but together we can be in an amazing place. I'll keep you updating.
Life is interesting...I looking for something interesting...not just a job...maybe career while I waiting for God to open the door for law school. I have a degree...I should be using it. Anyone have any career ideas for me???? Leave your suggestions...what do you think I would be good at???? I need help here!!! I have an idea or two...but suggestions will help me think of things I have not thought of....
Until next time...it could be hours, days, weeks, or months...no telling how I will feel
~Take Care~
Months ago...I mentioned that I was popular...well..."A Taste of Philly" won me over. I have to figure out a new nickname for him because he cut his beard down...so the look of a philly dude is gone. I love it...I suggested it...and I'm glad he thinks I'm so wonderful that he did it and likes the clean look again. Ya'll this one is great...crazy, but great. I wasn't looking...but I may have been found. I'm happy in this thing we got going on....so that's all that matters right now. The parents like him...I've met all his family...I got some mixed reviews...but I think it will be ok. This summer we plan on spending lots of time with each others family. We are talking about the future...and I feel good about it. I'm not where I want to be in life...he's not actually where I would want a husband to be in life...but together we can be in an amazing place. I'll keep you updating.
Life is interesting...I looking for something interesting...not just a job...maybe career while I waiting for God to open the door for law school. I have a degree...I should be using it. Anyone have any career ideas for me???? Leave your suggestions...what do you think I would be good at???? I need help here!!! I have an idea or two...but suggestions will help me think of things I have not thought of....
Until next time...it could be hours, days, weeks, or months...no telling how I will feel
~Take Care~
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Had Enough???!!!???
There has to come a point when you realize that it's just not for you. I really, really hope this is true. I keep complaining about what's going on in this situation...and I know what I could do to help myself feel alot better in the long run...but it's a difficult decision, totally outside of my comfort zone. Basically I want things to change but I don't want to be the one to make the change happen. So with this attitude I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. I'm becoming very miserable. Have you ever wanted something so badly but you just cant have it...there could be many reasons why you can't have it: It's out of your reach, it's unhealthy, it belongs to someone else, the 'cost' of it is too much for you, it doesn't want you to want it, you don't know how to get it...and the list goes on. I think practically all these things apply to my situation. It's sad...Im making it worse. And I can't even complain anymore. I won't complain anymore...because that is a waste of time...especially since right now what is going on is all my doing. I hear what is being said...but I don't want to acknowledge it. My feelings are too strong and I care too much...sometimes I feel that caring is a weakness for me. I use to be confused...but I can't even use that excuse anymore...yeah I'll admit it...it was a crutch, the easiest way to explain why I allow this to continue...I could say, "I'm confused." Well...it's out in the open now...I'm not confused...I know exactly what I'm doing and allowing to be done...I must take responsibility for the consequences. I always try to justify this..."BUT" is my favorite word to use...it always gives me a bright note in a dark situation...it's so weak of me. I have come to the conclusion, that even in the future I would be a fool to agree to anything official...because all this time...I wasn't enough...
...I gotta come back to this post later... I know it seems like I'm rambling...
...I gotta come back to this post later... I know it seems like I'm rambling...
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
The Little Things
February 2006 is over!!! Wow...oh my how time flys by...already this year is turning out to have ups and downs...I was thinking more ups for a minute but that was short lived...anyways...one of my older cousins moved back to Bmore from upstate NY and I'm so excited. She has a little girl so is so dear to my heart but because they have lived so far away I have not been able to be in her life as much as I would have wanted. My cousin and I were so close growing up. Actually there are two females in that family...the other one is moving down after see completes her education up there...in about a year...It's good to have family close and it's even better when you are good friends with that family. Hopefully soon we will get to hang out...she's down here finished up her thesis...so she is quite busy, but I'm just happy to know she is around. I have learned that I must be grateful for everyting even things that may seem small...like a cousin moving to the MD/DC area. I don't have much so say today... I'm trying to love life... working daily on my relationship with my father and savior and looking forward and pressing forward to all my goals and dreams. I will try and post more later. Until next time be blessed!!!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Just a thought
So...
What has been going on with everyone??? I was in Philly this past weekend for the 9th annual Black History Month Fashion Show...and I must say I felt like a proud mother. The show was hott!!! Congrats Er...you pulled it together...I told you not to give up on your children. 2006 has been a busy year...but I'm loving life. Living free is a great feeling.
I realized a few days ago that Valentines day was just around the corner. As I have told ya'll before I am seriously popular nowadays... I have over 3o valentines...I know what you are thinking...but hold up...30 of them are under the age of 10. My dance class are my valentines this year. I'm so excited...we are having a valentines dance and I got the cutest gifts for them. There is so much love going around and I feel so blessed. I hope everyone is finding happiness. Look for happiness in everything...you will definitely find it.
What has been going on with everyone??? I was in Philly this past weekend for the 9th annual Black History Month Fashion Show...and I must say I felt like a proud mother. The show was hott!!! Congrats Er...you pulled it together...I told you not to give up on your children. 2006 has been a busy year...but I'm loving life. Living free is a great feeling.
I realized a few days ago that Valentines day was just around the corner. As I have told ya'll before I am seriously popular nowadays... I have over 3o valentines...I know what you are thinking...but hold up...30 of them are under the age of 10. My dance class are my valentines this year. I'm so excited...we are having a valentines dance and I got the cutest gifts for them. There is so much love going around and I feel so blessed. I hope everyone is finding happiness. Look for happiness in everything...you will definitely find it.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
A little update!!!
This is my first real post of 2006...I'm excited to be back...and I thank God for allowing me to see another year. I know this year is going to be filled with so much greatness. God told me it was going to be in live in '05...and it sure was...through the ups and downs...I have to admit even though I thinks my downs were major...I had so many ups...most of them shared with one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for...of course the one and only Erica R. Robinson...my Soul Friend...since we have already given the 'title' of best friend to other great ladies in our lives...I came up with the term soul friend to describe us...she sure has looked into my soul and holds a major piece...I thank God for her.
Since I have been home...things have been very busy...I work work work...and I sleep. I barely even eat...but I am working on that Er...doing much better this year! I have also decided that I can't keep hoping that certain people I care about will come around and that we will have the type of relationship I desire...so I have decide to get out more. As soon as I decided that, I became popular...not that I ever had a difficult time meeting guys, that's not the problem...well, since I was in Philly for the past few years...most of the dudes...have been Philly hoodrats...favorite line "A Ma'!"... and if I hear this one more time: "How are you? I'm fine...Ma I aint ask you how you look, I can see that you are fine...damn!" what the hell??? Bmore dude don't act like that...so it is refreshing to be around males that I like. And I must say...they are gorgeous...they tell me I'm beautiful...but the amount of beauty I am surrounded with is amazing. I'm loving this life. Eventually I do want to find one guy that I can be exclusive with...I was and still am the type that doesn't even casually date more than one guy...but forget all that...Imma casually date until someone convinces me that he is worth all my time. This one guy, let's call him 'A Taste of Philly"...go figure I would like a guy who could fit in with a Philly crowd...but he is a Bmore boy...so something about that makes him much different...Bmore dudes approach women differently...he came at me with humor...not some crued comment...and I really appreciated that...I usually don't give guys my number...but I was instantly attracted and he is soooooooo cute, even with his mini Philly beard (but much more clean cut than the typical Philly beard)...is making his presence known!!! I mean...he wants to see me whenever he has free time...Im seeing dude more than once a day sometimes...I thought I would be annoyed...but not with this guy...I like this attention and even more importantly I like this guy. He makes me feel so comfortable...Tiff you would like him...he has those strong arms you were talking about...wink wink. Now, preacher man...thinks we are getting married...I'm not sure at this point. He is a great guy...but Im not sure...he told me he will show me...that we are meant to be together...I'll give him sometime... it's difficult developing something fresh long distance, I have no problem working with a long distance relationship that is already established...but I met this dude and next week he was back at school...ummm that's a little too quick...but have hime tell it we have known each other forever. My fireman, is so inconsistent...and I don't like that...he also told me I was 'the one'...well you sure enough don't act like it. I know his schedule is crazy... he works crazy hours at the firehouse...but ummmm...you have breaks, you have days off...we do I hear from you every two weeks or why does it take you two weeks to return my calls??? We click on so many levels...but I need you to keep your word and give me some time...a relationship can not be built when one person is doing whatever and never letting you in on it. Now, lastly my eye-candy!!! mmmmmm-good!!! But...he is a man-whore!! No possible way I would ever be in a relationship with him...but he likes me...he is gorgeous and he likes spending time with me...so why not...I can have beautiful friends...that's all he has the potential to be...is my friend...but boy oh boy is he gorgeous!
...we shall see...I'm expecting someone to disguise themselves from the group!!!! Right now it's "A Taste of Philly"...but he is also the one I have known for the shortest period of time and I told myself I would never deal with another dude that was younger than me...he's 21...but I'm dealing with guys in their late 20's and they don't have there stuff together like this dude...he has some major potential...but who knows...he might be the one to convince me to give him my undivided attention. I think valentines day will be interesting this year...Who's taking me to dinner???? LOL... I'm not right...but I'm having fun...please believe I aint compromising for no one or nothing....
~ Until next time ~
Since I have been home...things have been very busy...I work work work...and I sleep. I barely even eat...but I am working on that Er...doing much better this year! I have also decided that I can't keep hoping that certain people I care about will come around and that we will have the type of relationship I desire...so I have decide to get out more. As soon as I decided that, I became popular...not that I ever had a difficult time meeting guys, that's not the problem...well, since I was in Philly for the past few years...most of the dudes...have been Philly hoodrats...favorite line "A Ma'!"... and if I hear this one more time: "How are you? I'm fine...Ma I aint ask you how you look, I can see that you are fine...damn!" what the hell??? Bmore dude don't act like that...so it is refreshing to be around males that I like. And I must say...they are gorgeous...they tell me I'm beautiful...but the amount of beauty I am surrounded with is amazing. I'm loving this life. Eventually I do want to find one guy that I can be exclusive with...I was and still am the type that doesn't even casually date more than one guy...but forget all that...Imma casually date until someone convinces me that he is worth all my time. This one guy, let's call him 'A Taste of Philly"...go figure I would like a guy who could fit in with a Philly crowd...but he is a Bmore boy...so something about that makes him much different...Bmore dudes approach women differently...he came at me with humor...not some crued comment...and I really appreciated that...I usually don't give guys my number...but I was instantly attracted and he is soooooooo cute, even with his mini Philly beard (but much more clean cut than the typical Philly beard)...is making his presence known!!! I mean...he wants to see me whenever he has free time...Im seeing dude more than once a day sometimes...I thought I would be annoyed...but not with this guy...I like this attention and even more importantly I like this guy. He makes me feel so comfortable...Tiff you would like him...he has those strong arms you were talking about...wink wink. Now, preacher man...thinks we are getting married...I'm not sure at this point. He is a great guy...but Im not sure...he told me he will show me...that we are meant to be together...I'll give him sometime... it's difficult developing something fresh long distance, I have no problem working with a long distance relationship that is already established...but I met this dude and next week he was back at school...ummm that's a little too quick...but have hime tell it we have known each other forever. My fireman, is so inconsistent...and I don't like that...he also told me I was 'the one'...well you sure enough don't act like it. I know his schedule is crazy... he works crazy hours at the firehouse...but ummmm...you have breaks, you have days off...we do I hear from you every two weeks or why does it take you two weeks to return my calls??? We click on so many levels...but I need you to keep your word and give me some time...a relationship can not be built when one person is doing whatever and never letting you in on it. Now, lastly my eye-candy!!! mmmmmm-good!!! But...he is a man-whore!! No possible way I would ever be in a relationship with him...but he likes me...he is gorgeous and he likes spending time with me...so why not...I can have beautiful friends...that's all he has the potential to be...is my friend...but boy oh boy is he gorgeous!
...we shall see...I'm expecting someone to disguise themselves from the group!!!! Right now it's "A Taste of Philly"...but he is also the one I have known for the shortest period of time and I told myself I would never deal with another dude that was younger than me...he's 21...but I'm dealing with guys in their late 20's and they don't have there stuff together like this dude...he has some major potential...but who knows...he might be the one to convince me to give him my undivided attention. I think valentines day will be interesting this year...Who's taking me to dinner???? LOL... I'm not right...but I'm having fun...please believe I aint compromising for no one or nothing....
~ Until next time ~
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The One???
This was my anthem for 2005...but I'm moving on for 2006. Ms Tiff Tiff...I think of you everytime I play this song...I hope homeboy gets his act together for 2006...you are about to be a superstar nurse...class of '06...I'm so proud of you...well, anyway...this is dedicated to you my love... but remember...'The One' won't put you through all this...
"The One"
India.Arie
I’ve got this feeling that I need to express
Letting it out so you don’t have to guess
I’m making myself vulnerable
But you keep holding back so scared to let go
If you’re looking for love I think I could be
The one, the one, the one yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me why you wanna be so cruel
Acting like you don’t feel the way that you do
We’ve got the strongest compatibility
I just wanna explore the possibilities
But if you only wanna play games with me I ain’t
The one, the one, the one yeah
I ain’t got a husband, you ain’t got a wife
We two grown folks lets spend some time together
Get to know me better maybe share some laughter
It just might turn into happily ever after
You never know I just might be
The one, the one, the one
I just might be that special girl
The one that God made especially for you
I just might be that special girl
The one to make you happy- just want to make you happy
One day we might look up to find that we’re one
You and me
I know it might sound strange to you
But I’m telling you this because the feeling’s true
See, I got a feeling that you just might be the one
The one, the one, the one
India.Arie
I’ve got this feeling that I need to express
Letting it out so you don’t have to guess
I’m making myself vulnerable
But you keep holding back so scared to let go
If you’re looking for love I think I could be
The one, the one, the one yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me why you wanna be so cruel
Acting like you don’t feel the way that you do
We’ve got the strongest compatibility
I just wanna explore the possibilities
But if you only wanna play games with me I ain’t
The one, the one, the one yeah
I ain’t got a husband, you ain’t got a wife
We two grown folks lets spend some time together
Get to know me better maybe share some laughter
It just might turn into happily ever after
You never know I just might be
The one, the one, the one
I just might be that special girl
The one that God made especially for you
I just might be that special girl
The one to make you happy- just want to make you happy
One day we might look up to find that we’re one
You and me
I know it might sound strange to you
But I’m telling you this because the feeling’s true
See, I got a feeling that you just might be the one
The one, the one, the one
Touches your soul
...I'm back....yes twice in one day...back to back post....ummm yeah...I use to do this all the time... aways...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone touch your soul??? Might sound like a crazy question but the feeling is so real. I could tell you exactly what it feels like to me. It feels like a warm summer night with a gentle breeze. It feels like a great hug during a bad time. It feels like sunshine on your face. If feels like peace in the midst of turbulence. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't there are many people that can touch your soul. There are going to be special people who come into your life with that ability...and you will know who they are immediately. When you soul is touch...you will never forget it and you will never want that feeling to go away. I know you maybe wondering who has touched my soul...I would tell you. But if you've touched my soul you know who you are. If you don't know...but think I maybe talking about you...than you are probably right. I hope I've touched someone's soul. This is deeper than love to me...this is something that will last way beyond a relationship. Even if that person doesn't become the person you spend the rest of your life with... the feeling will never leave you. It's so much more than the physical...it's spiritual. I might be in this all by myself...but that's ok...because this feeling is that good...that I don't mind.
...can't control who touches your soul..."
You have to get United Soul "Reservations"...they capture this feeling so well in their music...
Do you know what it feels like to have someone touch your soul??? Might sound like a crazy question but the feeling is so real. I could tell you exactly what it feels like to me. It feels like a warm summer night with a gentle breeze. It feels like a great hug during a bad time. It feels like sunshine on your face. If feels like peace in the midst of turbulence. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't there are many people that can touch your soul. There are going to be special people who come into your life with that ability...and you will know who they are immediately. When you soul is touch...you will never forget it and you will never want that feeling to go away. I know you maybe wondering who has touched my soul...I would tell you. But if you've touched my soul you know who you are. If you don't know...but think I maybe talking about you...than you are probably right. I hope I've touched someone's soul. This is deeper than love to me...this is something that will last way beyond a relationship. Even if that person doesn't become the person you spend the rest of your life with... the feeling will never leave you. It's so much more than the physical...it's spiritual. I might be in this all by myself...but that's ok...because this feeling is that good...that I don't mind.
...can't control who touches your soul..."
You have to get United Soul "Reservations"...they capture this feeling so well in their music...
I don't do that anymore...
I was told to update my blog by a couple people...so... here goes...
I actually have had somethings to write, but I'm so tired most days that I get in the bed when I get home and don't get out until the next morning. I use to leave out the door at 6am for work and get home after 7pm. I had to cut that out...now I leave about 7:15/7:30 and get home after 7pm...you might think that an hour and a half difference isn't much...but YES...it has helped a bit. I remember the days when I could sleep in on weekends...ummm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember coming home and watching a bit of television and staying up all night doing random foolishness...ummmm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember going out in the middle of week and dancing with my girls and drinking a few drinks....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I remember that Friday, Saturday parties...and than keeping up for 8am Sunday service...ummmm yeah...well I still get up for church...but now it's at 10:30. I remember when...I would spend hours on the phone with someone and when I hung up I would want to call them back....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I'm trying to figure out what I do...I don't do anything right now that is totally enjoyable and peaceful. I have two jobs...event though I enjoy both of them, they are not at all peaceful. I use to be an artist...ummm yeah...I just look at my art supplies in the closet. I have become a tired person....with nothing to do for fun... this is so sad. Not to mention all the craziness that has been going on since I moved back to Bmore...oh wow...I think that's too much for blogger...
until next time...hopefully it won't be so long...only reason I wrote this is because I did it a my first job...I really should be sending criminals to jail...
I actually have had somethings to write, but I'm so tired most days that I get in the bed when I get home and don't get out until the next morning. I use to leave out the door at 6am for work and get home after 7pm. I had to cut that out...now I leave about 7:15/7:30 and get home after 7pm...you might think that an hour and a half difference isn't much...but YES...it has helped a bit. I remember the days when I could sleep in on weekends...ummm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember coming home and watching a bit of television and staying up all night doing random foolishness...ummmm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember going out in the middle of week and dancing with my girls and drinking a few drinks....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I remember that Friday, Saturday parties...and than keeping up for 8am Sunday service...ummmm yeah...well I still get up for church...but now it's at 10:30. I remember when...I would spend hours on the phone with someone and when I hung up I would want to call them back....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I'm trying to figure out what I do...I don't do anything right now that is totally enjoyable and peaceful. I have two jobs...event though I enjoy both of them, they are not at all peaceful. I use to be an artist...ummm yeah...I just look at my art supplies in the closet. I have become a tired person....with nothing to do for fun... this is so sad. Not to mention all the craziness that has been going on since I moved back to Bmore...oh wow...I think that's too much for blogger...
until next time...hopefully it won't be so long...only reason I wrote this is because I did it a my first job...I really should be sending criminals to jail...
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Feels like goodbye
I have the hardest time expressing to someone if I'm sad or my feelings are hurt...it comes off as if I have an attitude and if I speak too much to try and convince you that I don't have an attitude...my emotions are like a switch and I would start crying. If I'm silent, just nod my head...I can tell myself in my head...not to cry. If I start to express how I feel in words...as I'm speaking I will began crying. I don't want you to see me like that...I would rather hold it in...get over whatever I'm feeling in time...tears aren't something I let people see.
I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...
...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.
... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.
I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...
...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.
... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Why I Wait...The Complete Answer
I've been asked so many times why I have waited/why I am waiting/why I choose not to have sex. I thought I answered the question completely...but I have come to realize I might not have. It was difficult for me to articulate in words what I felt in my heart. This choice I have made is very personal and what others may say or do can not effect me. I'm sharing this story/journey...not to make anyone feel bad or to seem self righteous...but because I want to share this part of me...and I can put these feelings into word at this point. I feel I may have done a disservice to some people who have been in my life...in the past and those who are presently in my life, because I couldn't articulate why? I want to make sure I don't continue this for those who will be in future. I have to take you back to my childhood to really tell this story of how I got to where I am today.
I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.
My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.
Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.
This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:
~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it
Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya
This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.
~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife
...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.
I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.
My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.
Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.
This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:
~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it
Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya
This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.
~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife
...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Something happened???!!???
Do you think that change and growth could happen almost instantaneously??? Well, at this moment...I would have to say I think so...yes I know people say "change don't happen over night"...well...I aint saying it happened over night...I've saying it happen in a minute. How about that. But actually it's been seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months...for this change...I have just been holding on to something that time and again has pushed me off...I have let go for awhile...but than I regained that grip. There are times you have to embrace lose and move on...you will have the opportunity down the road to encounter it again. I might actually be using the wrong word when I say change...I think revelation might be better...well no, maybe understanding...oh wait I got it ACCEPTANCE!!! And Im not totally sure how this happened...but I know I feel a bit better already. I have been pretty down...being home hasn't turned out like I thought. There have been some issues with the fam...it seems like once a week a family member moves into the house...and I'm all about family...but why they all gotta live with me...anyways...personally...well...I won't even go there...
I start work next week...and I'm exciting because Im getting the opportunity to clerk for a circuit court judge who is highly respected in her field...I'm a little nervous about it...I've never worked closely with a judge. Being a judge is my ultimate goal...so getting this position is a step in the right direction and the experience and contacts are priceless. (mind you that this position calls for a third year law student or law school graduate) but I got this job with the help of God, some connections, my merit...and my BA degree (I knew going to Drexel wasn't a waste). I'm very thankful and know that I am blessed of God and highly favored.
So...let me get back to the 'light bulb' moment...I can't describe it...I can't put into words. Maybe it's what was said, how it was say, what wasn't said or that fact that it felt different...like I was a bother. But I'll tell you this... WOW!!! If I had opened my eyes a long time ago...I could have saved myself a lot of grief. The fact that I have been hoping, wishing, praying...doing whatever I've been doing. I'm not even going to play myself and act like Im totally over it...but I know I gotta think differently, act differently. I'm expecting greatness in my life and can't wait for all that is in store for me. I start everyday as if it were on PURPOSE!!!! I feel excited about my life...and once again I can't tell you why I feel so different at this moment than I did 15mins ago.
When I think about it...I'm really doing some big things...got a great job (which ultimately will lead to a great career; will be having the opportunity to travel...Boston or Georgia will be first...not sure yet (tell you more about this later), volunteering like crazy (something I love to do), getting to go some fabolous placing with fabolous people, about to sitting on a board of directors for an awesome program (program for development of inner city families...one of my passions), starting a dance program for young girls...and much more to come!!!
Something clicked with me...I'm thankful to all my friends who have really supported me and my foolishness (well, Im glad ya'll had sense not to support the foolishness) Even though ya'll might say to my face that I wasn't being foolish...but...ummm...yes I truly was and I understand that now. More than once...more than one person...I've gotten all wrapped up. I know that emotions (bad, sad, happy, glad...I'm always to one extreme or the other) are my weakness...so I need to be prepared and focused. I'm not going to say that I am going to guard myself better...because I don't want to get to a place where I can't freely express how I feel. I love the fact that people who I care about...now without a doubt that I care about them. I'm not ashamed to show love and affection to all of my family and friends...I will continue this...but I know now that the next one...will have to 'earn' all that love and affection...I won't so easily give it out. I won't open myself to people who don't want to be open in return...I understand the principle of give and take much clearer right now. I am so giving...and I have been willing to allow people to take and take...I feel so drained...it's going to take a minute for me to build myself up...to regenerate. WHOA!!!! I'm on my way to feeling refreshed...look out world...I aint think I could get any better...but you haven't seen anything just...I'm bout to take this world by storm. Either support me or get out my way. I could settle for being just good enough...but I'd rather be great, extraordinary, better than anything you have ever seen.
Sorry this was a long one...I guess I had a lot to say...
I start work next week...and I'm exciting because Im getting the opportunity to clerk for a circuit court judge who is highly respected in her field...I'm a little nervous about it...I've never worked closely with a judge. Being a judge is my ultimate goal...so getting this position is a step in the right direction and the experience and contacts are priceless. (mind you that this position calls for a third year law student or law school graduate) but I got this job with the help of God, some connections, my merit...and my BA degree (I knew going to Drexel wasn't a waste). I'm very thankful and know that I am blessed of God and highly favored.
So...let me get back to the 'light bulb' moment...I can't describe it...I can't put into words. Maybe it's what was said, how it was say, what wasn't said or that fact that it felt different...like I was a bother. But I'll tell you this... WOW!!! If I had opened my eyes a long time ago...I could have saved myself a lot of grief. The fact that I have been hoping, wishing, praying...doing whatever I've been doing. I'm not even going to play myself and act like Im totally over it...but I know I gotta think differently, act differently. I'm expecting greatness in my life and can't wait for all that is in store for me. I start everyday as if it were on PURPOSE!!!! I feel excited about my life...and once again I can't tell you why I feel so different at this moment than I did 15mins ago.
When I think about it...I'm really doing some big things...got a great job (which ultimately will lead to a great career; will be having the opportunity to travel...Boston or Georgia will be first...not sure yet (tell you more about this later), volunteering like crazy (something I love to do), getting to go some fabolous placing with fabolous people, about to sitting on a board of directors for an awesome program (program for development of inner city families...one of my passions), starting a dance program for young girls...and much more to come!!!
Something clicked with me...I'm thankful to all my friends who have really supported me and my foolishness (well, Im glad ya'll had sense not to support the foolishness) Even though ya'll might say to my face that I wasn't being foolish...but...ummm...yes I truly was and I understand that now. More than once...more than one person...I've gotten all wrapped up. I know that emotions (bad, sad, happy, glad...I'm always to one extreme or the other) are my weakness...so I need to be prepared and focused. I'm not going to say that I am going to guard myself better...because I don't want to get to a place where I can't freely express how I feel. I love the fact that people who I care about...now without a doubt that I care about them. I'm not ashamed to show love and affection to all of my family and friends...I will continue this...but I know now that the next one...will have to 'earn' all that love and affection...I won't so easily give it out. I won't open myself to people who don't want to be open in return...I understand the principle of give and take much clearer right now. I am so giving...and I have been willing to allow people to take and take...I feel so drained...it's going to take a minute for me to build myself up...to regenerate. WHOA!!!! I'm on my way to feeling refreshed...look out world...I aint think I could get any better...but you haven't seen anything just...I'm bout to take this world by storm. Either support me or get out my way. I could settle for being just good enough...but I'd rather be great, extraordinary, better than anything you have ever seen.
Sorry this was a long one...I guess I had a lot to say...
Monday, September 12, 2005
A Dilemma!!!
I have a dilemma and I need help dealing with this dilemma!!! Where do I begin...so there is this guy...you all 'know' about this guy because I stay referring to him in posts. Anway...I still like this guy. I don't want to like this guy, but I can't help liking this guy. Common sense tells me to forget about this guy, but something stronger than that won't allow me. What is wrong with me??? Ok, if that wasn't enough...here's my dilemma. This guy has a girlfriend...and of course I was not happy to learn about this relationship but I have tried to deal with it. I can't help but hope, wish, think that their relationship will end. Hoping that she is not the 'one' for him. I can only dream that one day soon he will tell me that he misses me and that his relationship with his girlfriend has come to an end. How awlful is that??? I can't believe that I would wish a relationship to be over. I've never been like that before (oh wait, there was this one time last year...but that relationship was not a guy I liked or anything...it was a guy that was dealing with my girl and I knew she could do better, so I kinda wished something would happen to end that mess...) I asked this guy the other day, "Are you happy?" He replied..."Im content...I don't get happy." That statement really upset me...because I truly want him to be happy. I guess that's just the type of person I am...I care about others well-being. As soon as he said that...my crazy thinking went to straight to thinking that one of the reasons he isn't happy is because he is with her...know that could be true...but who am I to think that. I don't know his girlfriend...so I shouldn't think that she is not a wonderful woman. She probably is wonderful and probably really cares for him...but I can't help thinking what I think. I want him to happy with her or with someone...of course I wish that someone was me...because I know I can make him happy. I shouldn't be so selfish...am I only thinking of myself??? I'm not even sure anymore. I would feel really stupid if I was sitting around and thinking about him and he didn't give a care about me...well I guess I should take the fact that he has a girlfriend and that girlfriend isn't me...that he doesn't care about me. But maybe, possibly, some way, some how...Im not the only one thinking about how good we could be together. Maybe I need counseling...maybe I should talk to him about this (but I can't, I'm too much of a punk)...Someone please help me!!! I am so horrible...I don't wish him bad...quite the opposite I wish him so much success, happiness, peace, and every other positive thing in life...I want his future to be better than he could ever imagine. He told me why we stopped dealing with each other...and honestly I was upset at that time and really don't remember what he said...but I do know...that I was willing to do what was necessary to have a successful relationship with him in the future. Maybe the girlfriend should be a sign to me...but she isn't and I don't know why. I understand that we aren't dealing and most likely won't ever deal...but... (SCREAMING!!!!!!)
Thursday, August 25, 2005
I believe
I believe
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - that it going to take time for me to become the person I want to be.
I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - that my friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the
Loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do. I also learned that we as people go through different rebirths in our lives. That's just the process of life, we're constantly being reborn at different times, and pain and hurt are the greatest birthing process you can really go through. To really grow and learn your lessons you gotta experience some pain. And I learned that attachment can be one of our biggest detriments.
~Common
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - that it going to take time for me to become the person I want to be.
I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - that my friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the
Loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do. I also learned that we as people go through different rebirths in our lives. That's just the process of life, we're constantly being reborn at different times, and pain and hurt are the greatest birthing process you can really go through. To really grow and learn your lessons you gotta experience some pain. And I learned that attachment can be one of our biggest detriments.
~Common
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Feeling Random!
This year has been crazy, crazy for me... in some ways this year is over and I'm so glad. I know the calendar year isn't over, but I don't live my life by the calendar... I mark my years from birthday to next birthday. I celebrated my 22nd Birthday July 30th...so that marks the beginning of my 22nd year of life. I have been so angry this past year... really feeling like bangin somebody repeatedly. I'm leaving Philly this weekend...even though I've moved back home twice before (for co-ops) this time it's permanent! I'm not coming back in six months. I'm finished my college education and it's now time for me to move on to other things in my life. I decided to move back to Bmore because I'm taking an one year break before law school and I wanted to save money. If you asked my four years ago when I graduated from high school would I ever move back full-time into my parent's home after getting my degree...I would have most likely said no!!! But I realize that this is the best for me at this point in my life. Why live on my own when I have a supportive family right in the area I want to live? Doing that would be a waste of money and stress paying bills that I really don't need right now.
My roomie's 21st birthday is Friday...and I hope it's her best birthday ever! We plan on starting the celebration on Thursay...her best friend is coming up to celebrate so I know she will have a wonderful weekend (starting Thursday and lasting through Saturday)
My boys have a new spot...I have yet to see this spot...but I hear they are living like ballas. I'm happy for them...they went through a lot of changes to get this house...yes house! I hope that everything works out of the best. The housewarming...but I will call it the official 'show-off party' goes down this Saturday. Now I was going to be back in Bmore for good by Saturday night...but I can't/won't miss my boy's event. So I will be officially out of here Sunday! I'm kinda sad...but more happy. I will see my people often and I know Er and I will talk all the time. She needs to get Verizon or I need to get her cell phone carrier...because she loves to make random calls to tell me about how awlful someone looked (even though I be like Er, "Can't it wait til I get home..." these calls make me smile) I won't be able to say wait til I get home...our homes have been the same for the past two years... practically three if you count Myers...but now Imma be living in Bmore and she will be living in Philly. :( We must live it up the next few days. I have so many people I need to get up with before I leave...I hope I get to see everyone.
This post was so random...but I guess that's how I feel...RANDOM!!!!
My roomie's 21st birthday is Friday...and I hope it's her best birthday ever! We plan on starting the celebration on Thursay...her best friend is coming up to celebrate so I know she will have a wonderful weekend (starting Thursday and lasting through Saturday)
My boys have a new spot...I have yet to see this spot...but I hear they are living like ballas. I'm happy for them...they went through a lot of changes to get this house...yes house! I hope that everything works out of the best. The housewarming...but I will call it the official 'show-off party' goes down this Saturday. Now I was going to be back in Bmore for good by Saturday night...but I can't/won't miss my boy's event. So I will be officially out of here Sunday! I'm kinda sad...but more happy. I will see my people often and I know Er and I will talk all the time. She needs to get Verizon or I need to get her cell phone carrier...because she loves to make random calls to tell me about how awlful someone looked (even though I be like Er, "Can't it wait til I get home..." these calls make me smile) I won't be able to say wait til I get home...our homes have been the same for the past two years... practically three if you count Myers...but now Imma be living in Bmore and she will be living in Philly. :( We must live it up the next few days. I have so many people I need to get up with before I leave...I hope I get to see everyone.
This post was so random...but I guess that's how I feel...RANDOM!!!!
Thursday, August 04, 2005
You are an encouragement
Despite what you think and probably because I don't tell you enough...you are a great encouragement. I love you and I thank God for you daily. I hope you don't mind me sharing my card with the blogging world...this really touched my heart. Wow...today I have received all these wonderful words and I know that in time I will begin to feel much better. I'm on my way... and looking forward to joy.
Thanks Er for these words...
"I wish I had a magic wand that I could just wave in your direction and make everything 'all better'. I wish I had a sprinkle of stardust that would erase every problem that's come your way. If only I could get my hands on a magic lamp and rub it until a genie appeared, I would ask for an end to all your cares and the beginning of great happiness for you. I don't really have any magic, but if deep feelings and warm thoughts can help, there's definitely come wonder-working stuff headed your way. "
~Cheryl Hawkinson~
Thanks Er for these words...
One Flaw in Women
By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope, and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
My cuz sent this to me today...and oh my...thank you God for being on time. I need this... I hope it encourages someone else as it encouraged me... take care...
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope, and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
My cuz sent this to me today...and oh my...thank you God for being on time. I need this... I hope it encourages someone else as it encouraged me... take care...
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Crazy mix of emotions
I haven't been in this blog world for awhile. I can't really express in words why not but I know it's because of all the things I've been going through. I have lost my motivation to write. Every time I share...I feel as if I have just played myself. I'm seeing all this happiness around me and at times I must admit that I am jealous. Jealousy is not a natural emotion for me, but lately I can't help but see things in other people and want it for myself. Today my baby girl really made me smile with her words...thanks baby...but you and Dware are too cute. I love seeing you happy...I wouldn't want that to change for anything. I want to get some feelings and emotions off my chest, but I'm such a punk and I can't talk to the people that I need to talk with. If I could just sit down and share somethings with some people I know I would feel much better. If I could tell them...that I care, that I respect them, that they impacted my life, that I miss them, that I want to be there for them... I'm so ready to love someone fully, completely and unconditionally... I know one day that special person will come into my life. I think my feelings get hurt so much (shhhh...that's a secret, people think I'm this rock...but I really aint)...because I trust people, I see the best in people...people can do me wrong and I will give them chance after chance. I think people are going to share my feeling, when often times they don't. I feel like I am walking around sometimes completely alone and forgotten. I know that I have a wonderful family and group of friends...but sometimes even in their midst I still feel like I have such a void in my life. Something is missing, I feel so unfilled. I have so much to give and no one/where to pour all of me into. I saw 22 years of life this past Saturday and my friends were really there to support me and show me so much love and I am so thankful. Everyone who could come out to my party came and those who couldn't called and wished me so much happiness. I don't think anyone knows this...but there were moments during my party when I wanted to sit in a corner and cry. Alright I know what you are thinking (WTF!!!) Me, cry??? I know...it something I use to not do...but lately I've found myself either crying or on the edge of tears. I'm not sure why I felt this way. Maybe because at every corner I saw all this love and affection...but I felt like none of it was for me...maybe because the person I wanted to be at the party the most aint act the way I had 'dreamed' about...maybe because I have way more internal demons than I ever realized. Overall I enjoyed the party and was so thankful to all those who came out. I got a real shock towards the end of the night... I'm glad I know...but wow I had two feelings at that moment when I heard "You know he has a girlfriend...right??!!!"I felt...stupidity and this feeling of worthlessness. I just wanted to be left alone, but of course that didn't happen. I have a great sense of self-worth...but in that moment...I felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough...whatever enough that would make him feel about me the way I feel about him...and I still haven't shaken these feelings, I was upset and didn't want to talk to anyone...but I must be crazy cuz I don't feel that way today. If he came up to me right this second and said "I want to be with you"...I would be overjoyed...I'm not saying that I would be with him...but I would be overjoyed (damn...I just confused!) ...I really wish we could have a convo and I could get all my feelings out...but that probably won't happen. I am really going to miss my people here in Philly. But I can not wait, absolutely can not wait to go back home to Bmore. I find peace at home, in the comfort of very familiar surroundings. Hopefully it will be a time to rejuvenate and restore...my spirit has been broken and I want so badly for it to be mended. I told my girls I was depressed today...I think they thought I was playing by the way I said it...but actually I feel so low...because my mom is a physiologist...I know that I am technically not depressed...but at this moment I could not be any closer to depression. I'm going to continue to pray because I can't let myself slip into depression because I may never come back... I'm sad but I'm also thankful...what a crazy mix of emotions
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