What if...

Someone asked me was I mad...and I had to say honestly no I'm not. Why be mad??? that would be a waste of good energy, energy I need to use to graduate, to get through the next few months, and to keep mind together these next few months. My girl and I were talking about 'what if' the other day. I heard this young lady say a poem...that was talking about 'coulda, shoula, woulda' and that really impacted me. Because we can't focus on what may have happened, or what might have been. We must live in the here and now. So what if I never transferred and left BMORE...I would not have such a wonderful group of friends. What if I never decided to talk to him...I would have never learned how strong I am. What if I never sacrificed for them...I would have never understand what true devotion meant. I'm thankful and grateful for every life lesson...because even though I've cried, I've been sad, I've been hurt...things could have been a lot worse, I could be dead! I choose not to focus on any negative things, I'm only focusing on all the positive things that are the result of my choices. Good things, great things, wonderful things...that's all I see, that's all I hear, that's all I believe!!!!! ....but when need be I will talk about things that have tried to destroy my positive...please believe I will share...

#@%!?&@!*

In the words of my baby girl"You have to write a blog about it!"

What the ?????? Let me start by saying...F you, F you and F you somemore. Don't try and hit me up because I will ignore you...if you see me please act as if you don't...if it looks like I was smiling in your direction please don't be confused because I was actually smiling at the person behind you...Just act like you don't know me because I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!! Look at me sitting around wasting time, hoping, even praying that things could work out...and look what I get. I feel so stupid...wait oh no!!! I'm not stupid I'm trusting of others...what they say especially when they tell me they trying to do this or that and asking me to be patient with them. I'm a patient person when it comes to somethings...and in this situation I was actually willing to wait around and see how it all turned out. I'm so honest...I told you about my fears, my disappointments, my hurts...and all you did was be like everyone else...thank you very much for being like the others, being like the people in my past. It was really really cold outside today...I guess that's a sign that the heatwave is gone...just last week it was 80 degrees...today it felt like 40something (I'm taking that as a sign...of old things OUT...new things IN!!) . So, you miss me...really??? I'm a great person...for real??? You don't want me to be upset or hurt...for sure??? But in the end...because please believe this is the end...everything that you could have done to upset a person you did, everything you could have sad to elicit sad emotions you did them too... I'm feeling like beating down a few strangers just because and than I will beat down some other people because they deserve it... Why would you say things and really not mean them??? Why would you talk about the future when you are living for the here and now pleasures of life??? Ok...so you say...I've heard it before I catch attitudes...yes I do...and many of them I shouldn't, but most of them that are directed towards you are completely justified. I will not be used...or taken advantage of. I could be reading too much into what I read, and maybe it would be good to ask you about it...but I really don't feel like putting anymore energy into this relationship...cuz it really isn't a relationship if only one person is trying to make things happen and the other person is only giving lip service...save your words for the next one. Do I regret caring...no, not at all...because that's who I am. Will I care again...of course...just NOT FOR YOU!!! You are just trying to do you right now...I hope you are having fun with that...fun living the single life (ummmm...yeah ok)...sowing your wild oats (as they say). Aight...whatever I don't really have anything to say about...Do you, I'm happy for you. I wasn't even trying to be nothing too serious with you right away, I take my time, get to know people and evaluate the situation/relationship...all I wanted was some straight answers and whatnot. You were the one talking all that other, serious stuff... But it's alright I'm ok...I'mma be better than you ever other day!!! I'm done with this post...and I hope you read this and it cuts you up too!!! F you, F you and F you somemore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I let...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, I see how so many young people are losing focus. I sat down the other day and began to write, when I was done I looked down and through these words I felt so many emotions. This was my struggle, my life, completely and total honesty here. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to these words for a lot of different reasons. This is dedicated to anyone, everyone who as ever allowed things/people/places/events to get you off track. Read this with an open mind...

I let him, I let him explore me, I gave all to him. He examined me, dissected me…did whatever to me…I’m loosing myself here, no I’ve lost myself… Everyone thought I had everything going for me. When were those same people, those people who were my friends...Going share, tell me that girl please. He’s got you…don’t give yourself, that special gift. Once it’s gone you can’t get it back. Keep on, with that and you’ll see. An early death or a life of misery. Momma told me be careful, who I let in. Save that for a special someone, not just anyone. The spot was stimulated…hear what I say? Oh, never felt this way. I could have exploded, everything was being drained. He went in deep…me soul was no longer mine to keep. Why didn’t I listen…I thought before, I would say, I thought I knew better once before. But how many young women have said they knew better, but than it was too late. Too late to recapture that innocence. Once gone, once given away…oh well, things won’t be the same. I was doing pretty good, than I closed by eyes and let it all ride. I went to a place, that I never knew before. It’s amazing for the moment, but it was only a moment. To be nice, I’ll say a few moments…but even than. A few moments of my life, destroyed years…my future, don’t look so bright. You can be anything/anybody…I bet you’ve heard that too, but I was not warned about how easily he could get me, confuse me. He got you! Who’s going to be there when I tell my story, this story…of how I was so vulnerable. I let him, let him. I wasn’t forced, I had a choice, used to even have a voice. A mighty, powerful voice. What happened…I closed my eyes, I let down my guard…I’m counting out loud!...one, two no more of you…everything got in there and I kinda lost who I was. A clone, no longer a designer’s original…I let this world corrupt MY MIND, Stay focused!!!

"Lord Make Me A Vessel"

(Verse)

From the earth you created me

From the dust of the ground

In Your image I was made

In Your likeness I was form

Who am I, that Thou art mindfull of me

You created me a little lower than the angels

So here I stand, as a vessel to be used by Thee.

(chorus)

I am your clay Lord mold me.

I'm on the wheel Lord shape me.

I am your instrument play me.

I am your child Lord teach me.

I want to grow so prune me Jesus.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

(Bridge)

According to the plan that you have for me.

Dear Lord everyday I want to be use.

I want to be used by they.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

~written by Greg Ross...Drexel University Gospel Choir Director since 1985~

Perfect Words

Oh wow...I need people to stop being all up in 3311 Powelton Ave... I got a double dose of truth yesterday. I was on the edge of my seat because I couldn't understand why two people were talking directly to my current situation. I've been going through a lot lately, but even in that I thank God for keeping me, providing for me and loving me...even when I didn't love myself. I had what is called an exit interview with the director of Art's After School...Rev Bev is a sweet woman and also has something wonderful to say. The purpose of the interview is to get your feedback about the program and also a time of talking and sharing with Rev Bev. I was looking forward to my time with her and it was much more than I expected. The entire conversation with her touched me in a special way, but one thing she said to me I think will change my life. She said, "Let go of your guilt!" I thought to myself what!!?? How does she know that I am consumed with guilt??? The only person that knows that is my mom and the two of them have never met... My mom has always told me that I have no reason to feel guilty...but I could never shake the feeling that I was a burden to my family. Wow...but here is a woman that I have known only since September...and she knew one of the things that has plagued me since childhood. All I can say is...that's God and I thank God for putting people in my life to help me and change me and mature me. Ok...so I thought that was enough...but no! Thursdays we have gospel choir practice and our director Greg is always giving speeches and I must say he is on point with what he says...sometimes he is a bit long, but that's Greg...got to love him. Greg said two powerful things last night...first he said, "Take deliberate and intentional steps to be where God wants you to be." Alright...that hit me!...practice continued and it was very successful and long. Than at the end of practice Greg says, "I have to say this, I will try and keep it to one minute." Alright that means at least ten minutes for Greg and it turn out to be like 15mins, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Greg proceeded to say, "Don't let anything derail you from your goals, setbacks should not stop you, nothing should hinder you...If you know it is what God has for you do what you need to do to get there. Work hard, stay focus and achieve your goals. I want to hear you boast about your accomplishments, I want you all to be successful...If you are suppose to go to law school ,go to law school...don't let dissappointment stop you. If things aren't going the way you want things don't be discouraged...Maybe you won't reach you goal in the time you thought you were, but you will reach your goal stay focus." Hold up, wait a minute...why is Greg all in my business...did my roomie tell him about our conversation the night before??? (of course she didn't) This is just one more sign from God...God has placed Greg in my life to minister to me in my situation. When I was at one of my lowest points, words of encouragement first came from God, than my roomie (oh wow I see the growth in you daily), my mom (even though she misunderstood what I said at first and started to scream joyously), than Rev Bev, Greg, and other friends. I'm overwhelmed with gratitute!! That you God. God I believe and I pray that you continue to help me with my unbelief.

Arts After School Memories

My After School volunteer program has ended for the year...and I must say I was feeling very bittersweet. Practically every Friday I didn't feel like going, but after I got those great big higs from the children I felt a renewed sense of energy. The children made me smile, laugh and feel like I was making a difference. I'm really going to miss the program next year and I hope that I find a similarly rewarding program in Baltimore.

This is dedicated to my girls at Arts After School...one week they came up with this poem and I thought it was so cute. Que'Diara and Kala really made my day...I will never forget any of the children from Arts After School...I hope my impact in their lives was a major as the impact they had in mine.

To my girls...

"Today is good day
Cuz we sing and we play
Us three (Que'Diara, Kala and Z) we love to be all around living free
Hey, Hey Alright Ok!"