No Words(2)...but I wrote anyway!

I feeling so many things right now and I can't really find words to express myself. Sometimes it seems like words are so limiting, I need to invent another form of communication so that I can have everything in it so that I can be able to express everything I feel. I'm not really sad, I'm not really happy, I'm not really mad, I'm not really glad. I didn't have a bad day, I didn't have a good day. I'm not really sure what is going on...all I know is that I'm coming to a place where I must find peace within myself or I will go crazy. I must start to take time to enjoy life, be creative and have a good time. I'm too uptight sometimes, I let worry and fear consume my thoughts sometimes. I want this, I want that...but I should be grateful for what I have and stop always looking at others and being jealous. Yes, I'll admit what most people are too afraid to admit...at times I am jealous of what I think others have, how I think they have what I want, how I think they have it all together. I'm learning that I need to stop this, because obviously what they have isn't for me, how they appear on the outside might not be the truth. I can't get certain things or certain people off my mind. Maybe it's because I'm constantly surrounded with people and things that are related to the things or people who I can't get off my mind. I refuse to cut people off just because I maybe having a problem with someone who they maybe close with. I will not neglect my friends because their friends are causing me hurt...I'm going to have to get over it and grow from it. I use to think he was the one for me, I gave so much of myself to him and I was willing to one day give it all. I truly loved him, I truly love him...but for the first time in a long time I feel so free from him. I don't question what I do...wondering how he would react if he found out...I'm just living my life. I realize that all the things I saw in him, all the faith I had in him, all the potential I knew he had...my role in his life was for a season. I have the best memories with him. But I know I will have better memories with someone esle. I learned that I had to stop looking/remembering who he use to be and see him for the person he had become. He was so kind, sweet, caring, kind-of awkard (but I thought that was cute), he didn't have any style...he clothes were kind-too-small (but he had a the biggest heart). Now he is cocky, self-center, the center of his universe...not longer the cutie I grew to love. He is the *sshole I have grown to tolerate. But I now know I need to stop repeating this pattern of males...the same male over and over...different name, different face...SAME actions. I refuse to ever give my all when the other is barely giving half. I've come to realize I'm just too good for anything or anybody who can't come to my level.

So, this newer guy...or is he the same ol foolish. I'm bout ready to start wearing a sign that reads "Sorry...Allergic to BULLSH**!" But anyways...I guess we will see. My boy told me I need to start out with a clean slate...just stop talking to all the guys who have ever done me wrong and now that I know exactly what I will and will not tolerate and am ready for the man who will treat me the way I should be treated... But this guy...I can't stop thinking about this guy!

I could on and on...I guess the writer's block is gone...but I still have so many emotions that I couldn't find words for...

Kelly Price's song "You Should have Told Me" really hit me the other day when I heard it on the radio. I put the chorus at the end of this blog because the words are perfect for what I have gone through in the past. I refuse to say 'going through'...because I'm done with the mess...it's in my past, I'm moving forward. June 18th should be interesting...a lot of my past BULLSH** is going to be in attendace at that graduation party... (oh well, they've messed out on me!!!)

You Should've Told Me

Kelly Price

(Chorus)

You should've told me

I wasn't small enough

You should've told me

I didn't call enough

But you led me on

And kept me going

And we never should've wasted this time

You should've told me

I wasn't wild enough

You should've told me

I didn't smile enough

What you had in my mind

Made me lose my mind

And we never should've wasted this time