The One???

This was my anthem for 2005...but I'm moving on for 2006. Ms Tiff Tiff...I think of you everytime I play this song...I hope homeboy gets his act together for 2006...you are about to be a superstar nurse...class of '06...I'm so proud of you...well, anyway...this is dedicated to you my love... but remember...'The One' won't put you through all this...

"The One"
India.Arie

I’ve got this feeling that I need to express
Letting it out so you don’t have to guess
I’m making myself vulnerable
But you keep holding back so scared to let go
If you’re looking for love I think I could be
The one, the one, the one yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me why you wanna be so cruel
Acting like you don’t feel the way that you do
We’ve got the strongest compatibility
I just wanna explore the possibilities
But if you only wanna play games with me I ain’t
The one, the one, the one yeah
I ain’t got a husband, you ain’t got a wife
We two grown folks lets spend some time together
Get to know me better maybe share some laughter
It just might turn into happily ever after
You never know I just might be
The one, the one, the one
I just might be that special girl
The one that God made especially for you
I just might be that special girl
The one to make you happy- just want to make you happy
One day we might look up to find that we’re one
You and me
I know it might sound strange to you
But I’m telling you this because the feeling’s true
See, I got a feeling that you just might be the one
The one, the one, the one

Touches your soul

...I'm back....yes twice in one day...back to back post....ummm yeah...I use to do this all the time... aways...


Do you know what it feels like to have someone touch your soul??? Might sound like a crazy question but the feeling is so real. I could tell you exactly what it feels like to me. It feels like a warm summer night with a gentle breeze. It feels like a great hug during a bad time. It feels like sunshine on your face. If feels like peace in the midst of turbulence. It is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't there are many people that can touch your soul. There are going to be special people who come into your life with that ability...and you will know who they are immediately. When you soul is touch...you will never forget it and you will never want that feeling to go away. I know you maybe wondering who has touched my soul...I would tell you. But if you've touched my soul you know who you are. If you don't know...but think I maybe talking about you...than you are probably right. I hope I've touched someone's soul. This is deeper than love to me...this is something that will last way beyond a relationship. Even if that person doesn't become the person you spend the rest of your life with... the feeling will never leave you. It's so much more than the physical...it's spiritual. I might be in this all by myself...but that's ok...because this feeling is that good...that I don't mind.

...can't control who touches your soul..."
You have to get United Soul "Reservations"...they capture this feeling so well in their music...

I don't do that anymore...

I was told to update my blog by a couple people...so... here goes...

I actually have had somethings to write, but I'm so tired most days that I get in the bed when I get home and don't get out until the next morning. I use to leave out the door at 6am for work and get home after 7pm. I had to cut that out...now I leave about 7:15/7:30 and get home after 7pm...you might think that an hour and a half difference isn't much...but YES...it has helped a bit. I remember the days when I could sleep in on weekends...ummm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember coming home and watching a bit of television and staying up all night doing random foolishness...ummmm yeah...I don't do that anymore. I remember going out in the middle of week and dancing with my girls and drinking a few drinks....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I remember that Friday, Saturday parties...and than keeping up for 8am Sunday service...ummmm yeah...well I still get up for church...but now it's at 10:30. I remember when...I would spend hours on the phone with someone and when I hung up I would want to call them back....ummmm yeah...don't do that anymore. I'm trying to figure out what I do...I don't do anything right now that is totally enjoyable and peaceful. I have two jobs...event though I enjoy both of them, they are not at all peaceful. I use to be an artist...ummm yeah...I just look at my art supplies in the closet. I have become a tired person....with nothing to do for fun... this is so sad. Not to mention all the craziness that has been going on since I moved back to Bmore...oh wow...I think that's too much for blogger...

until next time...hopefully it won't be so long...only reason I wrote this is because I did it a my first job...I really should be sending criminals to jail...

Feels like goodbye

I have the hardest time expressing to someone if I'm sad or my feelings are hurt...it comes off as if I have an attitude and if I speak too much to try and convince you that I don't have an attitude...my emotions are like a switch and I would start crying. If I'm silent, just nod my head...I can tell myself in my head...not to cry. If I start to express how I feel in words...as I'm speaking I will began crying. I don't want you to see me like that...I would rather hold it in...get over whatever I'm feeling in time...tears aren't something I let people see.

I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...

...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.

... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.

Why I Wait...The Complete Answer

I've been asked so many times why I have waited/why I am waiting/why I choose not to have sex. I thought I answered the question completely...but I have come to realize I might not have. It was difficult for me to articulate in words what I felt in my heart. This choice I have made is very personal and what others may say or do can not effect me. I'm sharing this story/journey...not to make anyone feel bad or to seem self righteous...but because I want to share this part of me...and I can put these feelings into word at this point. I feel I may have done a disservice to some people who have been in my life...in the past and those who are presently in my life, because I couldn't articulate why? I want to make sure I don't continue this for those who will be in future. I have to take you back to my childhood to really tell this story of how I got to where I am today.

I have been raised by two wonderful parents...who never had a problem telling me about their past mistakes or life lesson. They've always wanted me to make my own choices, but they knew a little more in their adulthood than they knew in their childhood...so their shared their knowledge with me. My parents love the Lord and they have always taught me to have a personal relationship with the Lord myself. I was always taught that my parent's relationship with God wasn't good enough for me, but that I had the choice to live a life with God. My mother was always open with me when it came to relationship and sex and all the other things that come with being with a man. She told me about how she lived her life in the past and how she prayed that I wouldn't make some of the same choices. She told me that my father and her have been praying for my husband since the day they knew I was on the way. That right there is amazing...my parents knew one day I would leave their home and they wanted to make sure I would have a safe place to go...just one of the many reasons why they are amazing. I was taught that my body was the temple of God and that I should take care of my body. I was taught from as earlier as I can remember that sex was a special gift that God has designed to be shared only by husband and wife. When I was younger I was not told specifically not to have sex until I was married...I was taught how God ordained sex for marriage. There was always the room for me to make own choices, I never felt condemned. At a very young age, my like 8...my friend and I committed that we were going to save sex for marriage...until we were married we would consider God our husband and stay faithful to Him. Now, I know you may think this is very young to think such things...but I did and it meant so much to me to have a friend by my side.

My friend's name was Michelle, I loved Michelle so much...when I first met her I was just a toddler and I didn't have a sister at the time...so she became my sister. We stood before God and our church at a young age doing a (for lack of other words) "Abstinence vow commitment service" and committed our mind, body and spirit to God. A few years after we stood together before God...Michelle was killed. Losing Michelle really broke my spirit...but I knew I would never break my vow. Michelle didn't live to marry her husband...but I know she would have stayed faithful to God until she did. Living the last 10 or so years without Michelle has strengthened my walk with God...because I had to lend on Him...because I didn't have anyone on earth to lean on. I know have a wonderful support system outside of my family (they know who they are). But in the part my commitment/my word was everything and has remained everything to me. I am a woman of my word. The vow I made...to remain abstinent until marriage...is something that I am carrying out not just for myself, but also in remembrance of my friend. She was my dance partner, we went all over the place, dancing... She was my listener, confidant, she was my sister and my friend...she would have been an amazing woman...but I find peace because I know that she is with God.

Alright...I'm rambling...anyways... I have continued to hold to my vow. I have lost a lot of people in my life. I have been hurt many times because of this choice. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything...because when my day comes it will be the best. Right now in this moment...I am in total and complete love with my husband...I know what ya'll are thinking...no I'm not married. My husband doesn't even have a name...he may not even know my name. But because of this love I have for that future husband...I'm saving this special, priceless, ONE-OF-A-KIND gift for him. No one can duplicate it, no one can compare this gift to any other thing out there...one day my body, which is connected to my soul...will be my husband's and his alone.

This comes from a convo I had with my girl Tif the other day...Tif said it great:

~what guy wouldn't want to know that he has a woman that saved herself just on the thought that she might meet him
~that's the ultimate gift ...there is NO only gift like it...absolutely PRICELESS!!!
~you know why it's the ultimate gift, because he's the only one that will ever have it

Thanks Tif...you are an encouragement...love ya

This is to my future husband...whoever you are, wherever you are:
Love of my life,
...I have waited all my life for you. I may not know your name at this moment, I may not know what you look like, talk like, walk like or act like. But I know I love you! I love you because you are the man God has created just for me. You are the man that stood by my side...even when it was difficult, even when hormones were races. You protected me and respected me. You did whatever you could do to help me walk out my commitment. You loved me so much that you waited with me and you were proud of me. I know you may have never imagined a relationship like the one we have had...but you were there anyway. I am overjoyed that you put down your flesh, your desires, your feelings...to be with me. I know it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy for me either. Because I love you...of course I wanted to be with you in every way...but you understood the importance of that commitment. And even though you may not have had the commitment before you met me...you took on that commitment to be with me. You make me feel beautiful with just a look, you can comfort any sadness, you bring so much joy to my life. My wait was not in vain...our wait was not in vain. For our marriage is built on a solid foundation. You are my best friend and I hope that I am your best friend. I am completely yours and no one else's. I love you for loving me enough to stand with me. I believe True Love Waits...I have a True and Deep love for you. I have waited as long as it took for you to find me...for us to find each other. I would not change a thing. My True Love for you I waited...now I am completely yours.

~With A True Love,
Your Future Wife

...God, myself, my friend's memory and My Man!!!...that's why I waited!!! I hope this gives you a glimpse into me heart.

Something happened???!!???

Do you think that change and growth could happen almost instantaneously??? Well, at this moment...I would have to say I think so...yes I know people say "change don't happen over night"...well...I aint saying it happened over night...I've saying it happen in a minute. How about that. But actually it's been seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months...for this change...I have just been holding on to something that time and again has pushed me off...I have let go for awhile...but than I regained that grip. There are times you have to embrace lose and move on...you will have the opportunity down the road to encounter it again. I might actually be using the wrong word when I say change...I think revelation might be better...well no, maybe understanding...oh wait I got it ACCEPTANCE!!! And Im not totally sure how this happened...but I know I feel a bit better already. I have been pretty down...being home hasn't turned out like I thought. There have been some issues with the fam...it seems like once a week a family member moves into the house...and I'm all about family...but why they all gotta live with me...anyways...personally...well...I won't even go there...

I start work next week...and I'm exciting because Im getting the opportunity to clerk for a circuit court judge who is highly respected in her field...I'm a little nervous about it...I've never worked closely with a judge. Being a judge is my ultimate goal...so getting this position is a step in the right direction and the experience and contacts are priceless. (mind you that this position calls for a third year law student or law school graduate) but I got this job with the help of God, some connections, my merit...and my BA degree (I knew going to Drexel wasn't a waste). I'm very thankful and know that I am blessed of God and highly favored.

So...let me get back to the 'light bulb' moment...I can't describe it...I can't put into words. Maybe it's what was said, how it was say, what wasn't said or that fact that it felt different...like I was a bother. But I'll tell you this... WOW!!! If I had opened my eyes a long time ago...I could have saved myself a lot of grief. The fact that I have been hoping, wishing, praying...doing whatever I've been doing. I'm not even going to play myself and act like Im totally over it...but I know I gotta think differently, act differently. I'm expecting greatness in my life and can't wait for all that is in store for me. I start everyday as if it were on PURPOSE!!!! I feel excited about my life...and once again I can't tell you why I feel so different at this moment than I did 15mins ago.

When I think about it...I'm really doing some big things...got a great job (which ultimately will lead to a great career; will be having the opportunity to travel...Boston or Georgia will be first...not sure yet (tell you more about this later), volunteering like crazy (something I love to do), getting to go some fabolous placing with fabolous people, about to sitting on a board of directors for an awesome program (program for development of inner city families...one of my passions), starting a dance program for young girls...and much more to come!!!

Something clicked with me...I'm thankful to all my friends who have really supported me and my foolishness (well, Im glad ya'll had sense not to support the foolishness) Even though ya'll might say to my face that I wasn't being foolish...but...ummm...yes I truly was and I understand that now. More than once...more than one person...I've gotten all wrapped up. I know that emotions (bad, sad, happy, glad...I'm always to one extreme or the other) are my weakness...so I need to be prepared and focused. I'm not going to say that I am going to guard myself better...because I don't want to get to a place where I can't freely express how I feel. I love the fact that people who I care about...now without a doubt that I care about them. I'm not ashamed to show love and affection to all of my family and friends...I will continue this...but I know now that the next one...will have to 'earn' all that love and affection...I won't so easily give it out. I won't open myself to people who don't want to be open in return...I understand the principle of give and take much clearer right now. I am so giving...and I have been willing to allow people to take and take...I feel so drained...it's going to take a minute for me to build myself up...to regenerate. WHOA!!!! I'm on my way to feeling refreshed...look out world...I aint think I could get any better...but you haven't seen anything just...I'm bout to take this world by storm. Either support me or get out my way. I could settle for being just good enough...but I'd rather be great, extraordinary, better than anything you have ever seen.

Sorry this was a long one...I guess I had a lot to say...

A Dilemma!!!

I have a dilemma and I need help dealing with this dilemma!!! Where do I begin...so there is this guy...you all 'know' about this guy because I stay referring to him in posts. Anway...I still like this guy. I don't want to like this guy, but I can't help liking this guy. Common sense tells me to forget about this guy, but something stronger than that won't allow me. What is wrong with me??? Ok, if that wasn't enough...here's my dilemma. This guy has a girlfriend...and of course I was not happy to learn about this relationship but I have tried to deal with it. I can't help but hope, wish, think that their relationship will end. Hoping that she is not the 'one' for him. I can only dream that one day soon he will tell me that he misses me and that his relationship with his girlfriend has come to an end. How awlful is that??? I can't believe that I would wish a relationship to be over. I've never been like that before (oh wait, there was this one time last year...but that relationship was not a guy I liked or anything...it was a guy that was dealing with my girl and I knew she could do better, so I kinda wished something would happen to end that mess...) I asked this guy the other day, "Are you happy?" He replied..."Im content...I don't get happy." That statement really upset me...because I truly want him to be happy. I guess that's just the type of person I am...I care about others well-being. As soon as he said that...my crazy thinking went to straight to thinking that one of the reasons he isn't happy is because he is with her...know that could be true...but who am I to think that. I don't know his girlfriend...so I shouldn't think that she is not a wonderful woman. She probably is wonderful and probably really cares for him...but I can't help thinking what I think. I want him to happy with her or with someone...of course I wish that someone was me...because I know I can make him happy. I shouldn't be so selfish...am I only thinking of myself??? I'm not even sure anymore. I would feel really stupid if I was sitting around and thinking about him and he didn't give a care about me...well I guess I should take the fact that he has a girlfriend and that girlfriend isn't me...that he doesn't care about me. But maybe, possibly, some way, some how...Im not the only one thinking about how good we could be together. Maybe I need counseling...maybe I should talk to him about this (but I can't, I'm too much of a punk)...Someone please help me!!! I am so horrible...I don't wish him bad...quite the opposite I wish him so much success, happiness, peace, and every other positive thing in life...I want his future to be better than he could ever imagine. He told me why we stopped dealing with each other...and honestly I was upset at that time and really don't remember what he said...but I do know...that I was willing to do what was necessary to have a successful relationship with him in the future. Maybe the girlfriend should be a sign to me...but she isn't and I don't know why. I understand that we aren't dealing and most likely won't ever deal...but... (SCREAMING!!!!!!)

I believe

I believe
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - that it going to take time for me to become the person I want to be.

I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - that my friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the

Loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do. I also learned that we as people go through different rebirths in our lives. That's just the process of life, we're constantly being reborn at different times, and pain and hurt are the greatest birthing process you can really go through. To really grow and learn your lessons you gotta experience some pain. And I learned that attachment can be one of our biggest detriments.

~Common

Feeling Random!

This year has been crazy, crazy for me... in some ways this year is over and I'm so glad. I know the calendar year isn't over, but I don't live my life by the calendar... I mark my years from birthday to next birthday. I celebrated my 22nd Birthday July 30th...so that marks the beginning of my 22nd year of life. I have been so angry this past year... really feeling like bangin somebody repeatedly. I'm leaving Philly this weekend...even though I've moved back home twice before (for co-ops) this time it's permanent! I'm not coming back in six months. I'm finished my college education and it's now time for me to move on to other things in my life. I decided to move back to Bmore because I'm taking an one year break before law school and I wanted to save money. If you asked my four years ago when I graduated from high school would I ever move back full-time into my parent's home after getting my degree...I would have most likely said no!!! But I realize that this is the best for me at this point in my life. Why live on my own when I have a supportive family right in the area I want to live? Doing that would be a waste of money and stress paying bills that I really don't need right now.

My roomie's 21st birthday is Friday...and I hope it's her best birthday ever! We plan on starting the celebration on Thursay...her best friend is coming up to celebrate so I know she will have a wonderful weekend (starting Thursday and lasting through Saturday)

My boys have a new spot...I have yet to see this spot...but I hear they are living like ballas. I'm happy for them...they went through a lot of changes to get this house...yes house! I hope that everything works out of the best. The housewarming...but I will call it the official 'show-off party' goes down this Saturday. Now I was going to be back in Bmore for good by Saturday night...but I can't/won't miss my boy's event. So I will be officially out of here Sunday! I'm kinda sad...but more happy. I will see my people often and I know Er and I will talk all the time. She needs to get Verizon or I need to get her cell phone carrier...because she loves to make random calls to tell me about how awlful someone looked (even though I be like Er, "Can't it wait til I get home..." these calls make me smile) I won't be able to say wait til I get home...our homes have been the same for the past two years... practically three if you count Myers...but now Imma be living in Bmore and she will be living in Philly. :( We must live it up the next few days. I have so many people I need to get up with before I leave...I hope I get to see everyone.

This post was so random...but I guess that's how I feel...RANDOM!!!!

You are an encouragement

Despite what you think and probably because I don't tell you enough...you are a great encouragement. I love you and I thank God for you daily. I hope you don't mind me sharing my card with the blogging world...this really touched my heart. Wow...today I have received all these wonderful words and I know that in time I will begin to feel much better. I'm on my way... and looking forward to joy.

"I wish I had a magic wand that I could just wave in your direction and make everything 'all better'. I wish I had a sprinkle of stardust that would erase every problem that's come your way. If only I could get my hands on a magic lamp and rub it until a genie appeared, I would ask for an end to all your cares and the beginning of great happiness for you. I don't really have any magic, but if deep feelings and warm thoughts can help, there's definitely come wonder-working stuff headed your way. "

~Cheryl Hawkinson~

Thanks Er for these words...

One Flaw in Women

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope, and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

My cuz sent this to me today...and oh my...thank you God for being on time. I need this... I hope it encourages someone else as it encouraged me... take care...

Crazy mix of emotions

I haven't been in this blog world for awhile. I can't really express in words why not but I know it's because of all the things I've been going through. I have lost my motivation to write. Every time I share...I feel as if I have just played myself. I'm seeing all this happiness around me and at times I must admit that I am jealous. Jealousy is not a natural emotion for me, but lately I can't help but see things in other people and want it for myself. Today my baby girl really made me smile with her words...thanks baby...but you and Dware are too cute. I love seeing you happy...I wouldn't want that to change for anything. I want to get some feelings and emotions off my chest, but I'm such a punk and I can't talk to the people that I need to talk with. If I could just sit down and share somethings with some people I know I would feel much better. If I could tell them...that I care, that I respect them, that they impacted my life, that I miss them, that I want to be there for them... I'm so ready to love someone fully, completely and unconditionally... I know one day that special person will come into my life. I think my feelings get hurt so much (shhhh...that's a secret, people think I'm this rock...but I really aint)...because I trust people, I see the best in people...people can do me wrong and I will give them chance after chance. I think people are going to share my feeling, when often times they don't. I feel like I am walking around sometimes completely alone and forgotten. I know that I have a wonderful family and group of friends...but sometimes even in their midst I still feel like I have such a void in my life. Something is missing, I feel so unfilled. I have so much to give and no one/where to pour all of me into. I saw 22 years of life this past Saturday and my friends were really there to support me and show me so much love and I am so thankful. Everyone who could come out to my party came and those who couldn't called and wished me so much happiness. I don't think anyone knows this...but there were moments during my party when I wanted to sit in a corner and cry. Alright I know what you are thinking (WTF!!!) Me, cry??? I know...it something I use to not do...but lately I've found myself either crying or on the edge of tears. I'm not sure why I felt this way. Maybe because at every corner I saw all this love and affection...but I felt like none of it was for me...maybe because the person I wanted to be at the party the most aint act the way I had 'dreamed' about...maybe because I have way more internal demons than I ever realized. Overall I enjoyed the party and was so thankful to all those who came out. I got a real shock towards the end of the night... I'm glad I know...but wow I had two feelings at that moment when I heard "You know he has a girlfriend...right??!!!"I felt...stupidity and this feeling of worthlessness. I just wanted to be left alone, but of course that didn't happen. I have a great sense of self-worth...but in that moment...I felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough...whatever enough that would make him feel about me the way I feel about him...and I still haven't shaken these feelings, I was upset and didn't want to talk to anyone...but I must be crazy cuz I don't feel that way today. If he came up to me right this second and said "I want to be with you"...I would be overjoyed...I'm not saying that I would be with him...but I would be overjoyed (damn...I just confused!) ...I really wish we could have a convo and I could get all my feelings out...but that probably won't happen. I am really going to miss my people here in Philly. But I can not wait, absolutely can not wait to go back home to Bmore. I find peace at home, in the comfort of very familiar surroundings. Hopefully it will be a time to rejuvenate and restore...my spirit has been broken and I want so badly for it to be mended. I told my girls I was depressed today...I think they thought I was playing by the way I said it...but actually I feel so low...because my mom is a physiologist...I know that I am technically not depressed...but at this moment I could not be any closer to depression. I'm going to continue to pray because I can't let myself slip into depression because I may never come back... I'm sad but I'm also thankful...what a crazy mix of emotions

Superwoman

Vivian Green's first album was the truth. I was sitting back listening to her first album today and I quickly remembered why I loved it. I love to put lyrics in my post that impact me, so today I'm putting up "Superwoman". I know she has a new album out, and you should def get this, but her first album "A Love Story", if you don't have it, you need to get it. Read these lyrics, hopefully it will touch you too.

Vivian Green

Superwoman
[Hook:]

Why must I fit into your box

To make this relationship work

I am human not perfection

I can't be your superwoman

[Verse 1:]

Please tell me what you wanna do

Cause I can't waste anymore time

It seems nothings good enough for you

Tryin' please you drives me outta my mind

Who do you think I'm supposed to be

This flawless thing is how you picture me

But I can't measure up to that and I wont try

Cause I only can only be me baby

[Verse 2:]

You know I wanna be with you

But you ask for what I can't give

I won't compromise myself for you

For my own self I must live

All I can do is love you best I can

That don't include changing who I am

And I now that I love you good so don't you think

That you should try to hold onto me

[Bridge:]

There is only one me

Don't paint an image of what you want me to be

That's not what we need

I wont be trapped into what your eyes want to see

Out of sight, Aint Out of Mind

"Out of sight, out of mind"...I know you all are very familiar with this old saying. But for me it is totally not true and I know for a lot of other people it aint true either. I mean, when have you heard of a drug addict not thinking about drugs just because they aint have any. Ok, so maybe the saying wasn't meant for people who are addicted to things but it still doesn't ring true for me. I think the saying came about because people say, that when someone goes away, you forget about them and you move on to other things/people. Why can't that be the case for me? I want so badly right now to be able to think about someone else, anything else, anyone else. My baby girl asked me "was the wave over?"...and I dunno, I really not want it to be, but if absolutely, positively looks like it is, I can't and I won't try and hold on someone that isn't willing to try and hold onto me. Even though I can't get him off my mind, I think he has let me know through actions (or lack of actions) that he aint down for me. He really got my hopes up that he was gonna come to my party, well June 18th came and went...and he aint come. Now I must say that I had a good time and I saw true devotion and love from family and friends...so for him not to be there...yes it was dissappointing but it was also an eye opener! But back to this "out of sight, out of mind" stuff... he's out of sight, but he has never been on my mind so much. Maybe it's because I reached out to him and it seems like I was ignored (well, technically I was since it's been over a week and he aint responded back) and to think, I'm usually the one receiving calls and such from him, the one time I think to call, he's not available or whatever and has yet to return my call. Ok, so there are signs all over the place, so it should be clear and easy for me to see wzup and get it together and forget about him. So let me tell you all the signs: He acts like he don't talk to me on the regular when he is talking to his boys; he says he going to do something but doesnot; he tells me one thing and tells someone esle something completely opposite; he says all the right things, but there are no actions to support his words...I could go on... so I have so much to go on and yet I'm sitting here writing about how I can't stop thinking about him. I don't spend all day, everyday thinking about him...that would be too much. But every once in awhile (ok, maybe a bit more than that) I think about him. I mean, when you get use to talking to someone, seeing that someone and you actually like that someone...when all that changes it can be difficult not to think about the past or think about how that person is doing. I am determined to get it together and forget about him...I am trying to take my mind off of him...but it really doesn't help the situation that this summer is going to be really chill and I don't have much to do...

It's crazy because this past year has really come full circle... I went from the fall '04 (I'm only worth three months) to now (I'm perfect for your future)...

I'm glad to be back in the writing spirit....stay tuned!!!

Let It Go!!!

I was cleaning out my e-mail box and I came across this e-mail I had gotten from a friend last year...it really hit me and I thought it was very appropriate to share with all of you...I hope it helps you like it helped me...

Let it go for..There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don`t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can`t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn`t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you`ve got to know when people`s part in your story is over so that you don`t keep trying to raise the dead. You`ve got to know when it`s dead. You`ve got to know when it`s over. Let me tell you something. I`ve got the gift of good-bye. It`s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It`s not that I`m hateful, it`s that I`m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He`ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don`t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn`t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can`t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!
If you`re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won`t even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you`re feeling depressed and stressed....LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing !!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left . think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

All I can say...is Oh wow...this is the truth!!!!

Come and Go...

With all that has been going on I have really neglected this outlet, writing really helps me clear my mind and get focused... and plus I can say things here that I would not usually say out of my mouth.

I have realized that I have let other people and what they did or did not do determine my feelings and attitude. If someone was being 'good' to me...I was happy. If someone was treating me 'wrong'...I was sad. If someone looked at me the wrong way or said the wrong thing...I was angry. When I was in this emotional whirlwind I didn't know what damage I was doing to my soul. It is so unhealthy to allow someone else to negatively affect your mood...I have also come to realize that it is unhealthy to allow someone to positively affect your mood. By allowing someone to control whether you are happy or sad...means that you don't have peace within yourself. It is so easy to let emotions get you caught up, but emotions are so dangerous because they can cloud your better judgment. How many times have to looked back over a situation and wondered 'what was I thinking?'...well you weren't thinking and that's the problem, you let the way you felt at the moment determine your actions. When that moment was over and the dust had settled you saw how foolish your actions were. If you know going left would yield the best result and yet you choose to go right because of what it looks like...not because of what might happen down the road...You are being stupid. I must admit that I've been stupid about a lot of things, situation, people, places...etc. But we live and learn and than we get sense! I've learned to think first and feel later... Feelings come and go, but when I use my brain I am rarely taken down the wrong path. I feel much better... I've let it go, moved on and am confident in what I know is best and right.

To all those who have been wondering why I haven't been writing a lot lately (well, any lately), it's a mixture between...trying to graduation (that's done), getting rid of some negativity (in the process...I had more than I realized), making sure my next step after Philly was together (I will keep you posted on this), and finally spending some one on one time with people I have truly missed (this will continue, but I try and not let it hinder my sharing)!

So, people...I'm back!

Best Girls

I have the best girls a girl could ask for... Er and Tif Tif...my Bmore divas (sorry ya'll for using that word, but ya'll are the true essence of that word), my nurses, my sistas, my counselors, my hug-givers, my strong-shoulders, my beautiful smiles, my true friends. I love ya'll more than words!!! I'm so overwhelmed right now...the support and encouragement I get from ya'll is out-of-this-world! I'm so thankful and grateful for you two.



...I have to finish this later after I compose myself....

No Words(2)...but I wrote anyway!

I feeling so many things right now and I can't really find words to express myself. Sometimes it seems like words are so limiting, I need to invent another form of communication so that I can have everything in it so that I can be able to express everything I feel. I'm not really sad, I'm not really happy, I'm not really mad, I'm not really glad. I didn't have a bad day, I didn't have a good day. I'm not really sure what is going on...all I know is that I'm coming to a place where I must find peace within myself or I will go crazy. I must start to take time to enjoy life, be creative and have a good time. I'm too uptight sometimes, I let worry and fear consume my thoughts sometimes. I want this, I want that...but I should be grateful for what I have and stop always looking at others and being jealous. Yes, I'll admit what most people are too afraid to admit...at times I am jealous of what I think others have, how I think they have what I want, how I think they have it all together. I'm learning that I need to stop this, because obviously what they have isn't for me, how they appear on the outside might not be the truth. I can't get certain things or certain people off my mind. Maybe it's because I'm constantly surrounded with people and things that are related to the things or people who I can't get off my mind. I refuse to cut people off just because I maybe having a problem with someone who they maybe close with. I will not neglect my friends because their friends are causing me hurt...I'm going to have to get over it and grow from it. I use to think he was the one for me, I gave so much of myself to him and I was willing to one day give it all. I truly loved him, I truly love him...but for the first time in a long time I feel so free from him. I don't question what I do...wondering how he would react if he found out...I'm just living my life. I realize that all the things I saw in him, all the faith I had in him, all the potential I knew he had...my role in his life was for a season. I have the best memories with him. But I know I will have better memories with someone esle. I learned that I had to stop looking/remembering who he use to be and see him for the person he had become. He was so kind, sweet, caring, kind-of awkard (but I thought that was cute), he didn't have any style...he clothes were kind-too-small (but he had a the biggest heart). Now he is cocky, self-center, the center of his universe...not longer the cutie I grew to love. He is the *sshole I have grown to tolerate. But I now know I need to stop repeating this pattern of males...the same male over and over...different name, different face...SAME actions. I refuse to ever give my all when the other is barely giving half. I've come to realize I'm just too good for anything or anybody who can't come to my level.

So, this newer guy...or is he the same ol foolish. I'm bout ready to start wearing a sign that reads "Sorry...Allergic to BULLSH**!" But anyways...I guess we will see. My boy told me I need to start out with a clean slate...just stop talking to all the guys who have ever done me wrong and now that I know exactly what I will and will not tolerate and am ready for the man who will treat me the way I should be treated... But this guy...I can't stop thinking about this guy!

I could on and on...I guess the writer's block is gone...but I still have so many emotions that I couldn't find words for...

Kelly Price's song "You Should have Told Me" really hit me the other day when I heard it on the radio. I put the chorus at the end of this blog because the words are perfect for what I have gone through in the past. I refuse to say 'going through'...because I'm done with the mess...it's in my past, I'm moving forward. June 18th should be interesting...a lot of my past BULLSH** is going to be in attendace at that graduation party... (oh well, they've messed out on me!!!)

You Should've Told Me

Kelly Price

(Chorus)

You should've told me

I wasn't small enough

You should've told me

I didn't call enough

But you led me on

And kept me going

And we never should've wasted this time

You should've told me

I wasn't wild enough

You should've told me

I didn't smile enough

What you had in my mind

Made me lose my mind

And we never should've wasted this time

No words

I'm been going through so much...I can't even get my words together to write. I've never felt like this, I've never been speechless before. I'll try to write more later. We shall see how it works out...

Must Be Nice

Why are people so quick to take advantage and neglect what/who they have? I keep seeing people missing out on happiness because... they ain't ready, they want to have a bit more fun, what if it doesn't work...all these questions are nice, but sometimes you have to take the risk and just go for it. What exactly are you waiting for???... Everything you want is right before you and yet you are letting it slip away. We all say we want someone to love us, care for us...despite our faults and when we have someone right in our face doing just that, we push them away. It really upsets me to see this happening over and over again. Songs have such powerful messages...I was listening to Lyfe Jennings and his song "Must Be Nice" talks about what I've been feeling lately... Sit back, stop for a minute and see what you have...embrace it and move forward.

Lyfe Jennings

"Must Be Nice"

Verse:

Must be nice

Having someone who understands the life you live

Must be nice

Having someone who's slow to take and quick to give

Must be nice

Having someone who sticks around when the rough times get thick

Someone who's smile is bright enough to make the projects feel like a mansion

Must be nice

Having someone who loves you despite your faults

Must be nice

Having someone who talks the talk but also walks the walk

Must be nice

Having someone who understands that a thug has feelings too

Someone who loves you for sho'you just remember to never let 'em go

Chorus:

Even when your hustling days are gone

She'll be by your side still holding on

Even when those 20's stop spinning

and all those gold-digging women disappear

she'll still be here

2nd Verse:

Must be nice

Having someone you can come home to from a long day of work

Must be nice

Having someone you don't have to show they know exactly where it hurts

Must be nice

Having someone who trusts you despite what they've heard

Someone as mighty as a lion but still as gentle as a bluebird

Must be nice

Having someone you don't have to tell you don't want to be alone

Must be nice

Having someone you can grow old with until God calls ya'll home

Must be nice

Having someone who understands that a thug has feelings too

Someone who loves you for sho'you just remember to never let 'em go

You've got it...and it must be nice...but yet you are taking advantage of it and soon you will loose it... No one is going to sit around and be treated badly while you 'get yourself together'...how about growing together instead of excluded that person. Must be nice to have someone giving their all to you and yet you feel it's alright to give just enough. You fail to realize that your just enough really isn't enough at all... You are looking towards the future and all we want is your all here and now... the future will come... let's get there together.

My Prayer...

It's crazy that all my people are experiencing the same things all around me. I talked to my best friend in New Orleans and she is going through, my people around me are going through, my girl back home is going through, I'M GOING THROUGH! Even through our situations are slightly different, I see one common thing. We all have a decision to make. Are we gonna take a stand for God or are we gonna compromise for...(him, a situation, an opportunity, or even a dream (22))? This has been a constant struggle, I mean a constant, repeated struggle for me...but everytime I have chosen God and I am so thankful. I refuse to compromise and I'm thankful. I've been rejected, but in that I'm thankful. I've been hurt so many times, but even in that I'm thankful. I've been lied to, cheated on, misused and abused...and yes, even in that I'm thankful. You are probably wondering why I can be thankful through any of this...well the reason is because even though I look back and remember all these things...I can find peace and happiness in the fact that through it all I lean on Jesus and that I never compromised what I believed in for anything or anybody. He might have hurt me but I remained true to my conviction, I could not take that internship because God told me to go home to Baltimore to work with an after-school program, people don't like me because I won't do certain things...oh well...I only need the approve of one!!!...and I got it...I try and do everything TO GOD'S GLORY...forget about man.

I have been wondering if I need to truly cut somethings off in my life ( sometime you can't even be 'friends' with those people anymore, you have to totally avoid those places)...wondering if I'm making the right decisions, wondering if what I feel is real (I know there is a reason I can't shake these feelings).

I pray always that "God will reveal, remove and restore."

Let me break this down for you...

Reveal...things, people, situations in my life that are not of God and that will hinder my growth and derail my destiny. So that I know what they are and I can take action to get the negative out of my life. How can you make things better if you don't know what is wrong.
Remove...things, people, situations in my life that are not of God and that will hinder my growth and derail my destiny. Being a person, we are lead often by our emotions, but if I put things in God's hands I have no choice in the matter...if God removes something from my life I can do nothing or saying anything to get it back. (So if he doesn't return my calls, he never calls, if you do talk to him he acts like he don't care...open your eyes!!! God has helped you get rid of something that was bad...God got him off so that you wouldn't have to 'try' and do it yourself.)
Restore...things, people, situations that are no longer in my life but will promote my growth and help me reach my destiny. Just like we can try and hold onto things that aren't good for us, we can push could things away. Have you ever heard someone say, "Oh, he's too nice, he's not for me." What??...so you got a man right infront of you that adores God, loves his family, is intelligent and to top it off is cute...get a grip girl. But you want Mister flashy car, big spender!!! Or what about that opportunity to intern in No-where, USA...you passed it up because that area wasn't exciting enough...but what about the opportunity. Maybe now you see that the experience would have outweighed the location...but the offer has been pulled off the table. But God can bring that offer back into your life.

Wow...I have so many emotions right now. I want be there, I want be here. I wanted this, I want that. I must just continue to pray...we all must just continue to pray. Because I know that through pray things happen!!! ...Imma have to write more later...I'm overwhelmed!

Stop Complaining!

Counselors say that complainers are the hardest people in the world to help. You can't satisfy them, but they won't let you stop trying, so you end up feeling trapped. Once you earn a reputation as a complainer, people will avoid you like the plague! Attitude don't just happen, you choose them. Paul says, "Rejouce in the Lord always" (Php 4:4). Joy is a command. It's non-optional and non-negotiable, Joylessness is a sin: one the church folks are particularly prone to indulge in; one that seems to be readily tolerated amongst us; one that's never the object of church discipline. Even televangelists don't get cancelled for displaying too much of it.
The Psalmist writes, "This is the day the Lord has made: let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Ps. 118:24). He doesn't say "yesterday was God's day, how happy I was than," or "tomorrow will be God's day, I'll endure until then." No, "This day with its blessings and challenges is a gift from God, so I'm not going to insult Him by complaining." Complaining is usually self-centered. It focuses on what you don't like. Get over yourself! True joy is a choice; one that comes to those who have devoted themselves to something greater than their own personal happiness. Listen: "Fo we have sinned and grown old, and our father is younger than we." A life of gratitude and serivce to others will keep you young till you die. But a life of complaining will age you prematurely and possibly hasten your death. So-stop your complaining!

I was reading my daily devotionals and I must say I was smacked in the face by this one...I had to share with the blogging community. I find myself complaining at times, I know some people who only complain...but whether it's a little or a lot...this passages tells that any amount is too much. I'm always thankful for revelation and understand and I sure enough got some through this... I hope it helps someone else also!!!! Stay encouraged... Joy is your choice, let nothing, no one, no circumstance, problem or situation stop your joy...if you don't have joy, reevaluate the situation, because lack of joy is a personal choice... this is deep....

Confused!!!

Why Why Why Why Why???....can't I shake this feeling??? I really don't want to feel this way but I can't help it. I can't help thinking about, dreaming about, hoping about. I'm trying to stay focused but I constantly find myself day-dreaming, being unproductive...just thinking about how much I want... All it takes is a small reminder, mention, or feeling...and I can't stop wondering. I've never been like this before and I don't like this feeling. Maybe if I knew it could never be I would be able to let this go...but with the idea that something might be keeps me holding on. From the things you say, the way you act...I know you are feeling the same way I do. What's the problem???...What are we waiting for??? I sort of feel stuck on stupid!!!!....because my mind say forget it...but something deeper in me isn't ready to let go. I've already said that I'm not going to focus on what coulda, shoulda, woulda happened...but in this moment I'm looking at what will happen if only we are bold enough to make it happen. I can't really get my thoughts together right now... I have so much going on and so little time to complete it all. I must let it go, at least for now...because how I am currently feeling is only being a hinderance to my progress.
Only God knows the future... I've done my best, God's will do the rest!

Always what you don't want

How about this guy really thinks Imma marry him. Ummm...I doubt it. He's about to be 23, has yet to GRADUATE from high school and works at Loews (at least this week, last week he worked at Sears). He lives with his mom, he rides the bus (barely knows how to do that). All around this guy really needs to get himself together. And than he says, "He's called to minster." Don't nobody want an uneducated, unachiever as a pastor...I think he feels that he's gonna get rich off a church and that just ain't right. I've know this guy since I was a little girl, I thought he was funny and cute (like a teddy bear)...but I also thought he was gonna do big things with his life...and not to say that he still won't...but sorry I don't have time to wait for you to GRADUATE from high school at the age of 23. He had no reasons behind dropping out of school five years ago, except the fact that he was tired of waking up and he didn't like his school (what the **ck)...now that is just lazy and stupid! So, you want to marry me?? I saw this guy yesterday when I want home to see my mother...He told me that I was looking beautiful as usual...and I of course said thank you. But he wouldn't stop hugging me and touching me! I really wanted him to leave me alone, but I didn't want to be mean to this guy because his is really sweet and he never did anything to me. He has always treated me like a princess and shown me the greatest amount of respect...but he has become a deadbeat as we have gotten older and I just can't put up with that. I believe their is a woman out their for him who will support the fact that he doesn't value education and that he wants to be a minister. I am the child of two ministers, I don't want to be the wife of a minister.... I value education and have worked hard to obtain mine and I'm not done yet! I have this guy falling all over me, but nothing about him is remotely attractive to me. His personality is boring and he doesn't like to socialize or have fun (because Christians don't 'act' like that), he looks as if he is about to drop a set of twins (use your imagination to get that visual), and like I have already said...he's not driven! Get an education, it isn't too late for him...but it's too late for us... (wow...in the middle of writting this, my phone rang...It's Him!) I could have all the love and attention I could have ever wanted from this guy, but I know he's not for me... but the one I want won't give me anything... (ain't that a *itch!)

Caught up

I'm speechless, this is undescribable...I think I like, I may even grow to love it. Please don't stop what you do and how you do it. I'm flying, floating, I feel so free. I don't want to let go, but I need to grow...staying here my be a bad idea, but leaving here is not what I want to do. I have never felt this way, I have never been lead astray. I'm off my game, I'm so untamed and I'm loving it. Too confused, making sure I'm not abused but this feeling is like none other. I can't control myself. I don't want to control this. My mind is telling me no...but my soul won't let go. I'm going into another place in lfe and I hope you go with me. Things are changing and I want you to change with me. As I grow, can we grow, as I move, can we move. I want to hold your hand, be with me and stand. Everything, anything you have ever desired. Your hopes and dreams to which you aspire...I'll be with you through it all. I was raised to be loyal to the day I die...I'm not like any other because for you I will live, give and so much more. You bring out the greatness in me. Something between us is so strong...when we say we are going away, we cannot stay. You looked into my eyes, I opened the doors of my heart. Your smile brings peace, your arms give me release. There are tears of joy, sadness, hurt, longing, needing...I'm convinced about you. I see greatness in you. I believe in you. Some may ask how/why I feel this way...all I can say is that you've got me and I will never, ever go away.

Have you ever felt caught up??!!??

Raymond "Buster" Stewart Jr.

Oh wow...I had to write this one after someone made a comment about my post "Seconds"... Maybe it seems like I didn't have a strong foundation...but I did and I still do. That post has absolutely no reflection on the life that I have with my family. I have the greatest parents and siblings in the world. They support me through my stupidity and love me despite my flaws.

For twenty-one years I have been treated like a princess. He picked my name...a name that means "princess - of life". He's strong, he sacrifices, loves, hugs, cries, devotes, suffers...for me! I love him, I adore him...I hope to be like him one day. A quiet, sensitive, loyal man who has worked his way from cleaning toilets to running companies. Loves his family, would die for his family...the rock of my family. I'm his baby girl...he's my hero. He's my eyes when I can't see, my wings so I can fly, my voice when I can't speak. Love can not even accurately describe the feelings I have for this man. He can make me laugh through the tears. I compare every person I encounter to him. He has set such a high standard for life. Because of all he is I'm thankful!!!

My Daddy...I adore him, I love him

Boys v. Men

I read this on someone's facebook page...and I had to post it... This poem is the truth!!! I didn't know the title so I made up one...Stop dealing with boys!!!!

Boys v. Men...There is a major difference!!!

A boy imitates the movies, always trying to be a mac when a man possesses the inner strength to love a woman back. A boy looks at your body, when a man looks at your soul, he knows you have more to offer. A boy will ask to spend the night, but a man wants to share your life. A boy hunts for
'a piece' when a man yearns for a wife. A boy will leave you insecure while you wonder where he is, with a man you're always reassured because a man takes care of his. Boys give you moments while a man gives you memories and in you a man can trust. A boy after reading this poem is intimitaded, for a man feels that in this poem his life is imitated.

~The Truth...I say the truth~

Enough???

-Bad enough to be truly respected by friends and enemies
-Brave enough to stand up for any and everything your heart truly believes in…your faith, your family, me
-Funny enough to keep me smiling through our ups, but more importantly our downs

-Intelligent enough to choose education and your dreams over quick riches
-Loyal enough to be true to me as long as you draw breath

-Patient enough to wait for me because I’m worth waiting for
-Respectful enough to take the vow of celibacy with me and stand by that decision in the face of all scrutiny

-Strong enough to give up your personal desires for others
-Loving enough to rather give your life than be forced to live it without.......

I want to give everything, do anything, and go anywhere to make you happy, to see you succeed…All I’m asking is that you take this chance with me…

~Looking Forward to the Future~

Seconds

I'm really really confused, scared and have a sense of unknowing...and I don't like it! Have you ever felt invisible, like you were overlooked or forgotten about??? Here's a scenario for you... You are out with your people and some comes running across the street tripping over themselves and when they get to the other side they scream "Hi and smile" to your friend, than they look at you and say, "Ooooh, wzup?"...totally making you feel like an afterthought. Or what about this...People are constantly coming to you, they are going through something and you are more than willing to have their back, but after time you are getting tired because you keep saying the same things (maybe you should just write your suggestions down, so they could read them at a later time) ... you don't want to be selfish, but you want a moment when it's all about you! I'm always saying how I don't think people really like me and day after day this theory is being proven true. Is it so bad to want someone to care as much about you as you care about them. How about knowing that you are on someone's mind, just because. That your presence brightens their day. There have been people in my life who have made me feel this way...I'm convince that their are people in my life now that could make me feel this way. I'm so use to being treated like leftovers, seconds...but never first pick. It hurts more than words can say. I would give my life for the people who are important to me. I can't even get someone to sacrifice pleasures to be with me...wow!!!...that's a crazy. (Let me finish this)...

All I want is peace and I want to feel like my life is making a difference. So..."A Man of Men" says that I must have not have had a good foundation in the home (or something like that)...wow this is a complete stranger, trying to read me and determine what my life has been life. I talk about a lot of emotions, pain, hurt, struggles...good times, great times and my future...I rarely talk about my past because I think it is self explanatory (without a solid foundation there is no way I would have been able to make it through all of the trials that have occurred over the past few years). I talk about my current struggles, because that's what moves me and inspires me to write at this point in my life. I'm shocked about how males treat me...because I am so use to men treating me like a princess...My father, my older brother, my uncles, my cousins, my friends...than when I started dating guys and they started treating me in this abnormal way. I know that I'm worth more than this because I've seen true love that doesn't compromise...but I guess I've been opening myself up to people who have never experienced what I've experienced...so maybe to them it's normal. I just want to get away...take a break. For a moment there will be no concerns, no ups or downs...just totally absolute peace!

What if...

Someone asked me was I mad...and I had to say honestly no I'm not. Why be mad??? that would be a waste of good energy, energy I need to use to graduate, to get through the next few months, and to keep mind together these next few months. My girl and I were talking about 'what if' the other day. I heard this young lady say a poem...that was talking about 'coulda, shoula, woulda' and that really impacted me. Because we can't focus on what may have happened, or what might have been. We must live in the here and now. So what if I never transferred and left BMORE...I would not have such a wonderful group of friends. What if I never decided to talk to him...I would have never learned how strong I am. What if I never sacrificed for them...I would have never understand what true devotion meant. I'm thankful and grateful for every life lesson...because even though I've cried, I've been sad, I've been hurt...things could have been a lot worse, I could be dead! I choose not to focus on any negative things, I'm only focusing on all the positive things that are the result of my choices. Good things, great things, wonderful things...that's all I see, that's all I hear, that's all I believe!!!!! ....but when need be I will talk about things that have tried to destroy my positive...please believe I will share...

#@%!?&@!*

In the words of my baby girl"You have to write a blog about it!"

What the ?????? Let me start by saying...F you, F you and F you somemore. Don't try and hit me up because I will ignore you...if you see me please act as if you don't...if it looks like I was smiling in your direction please don't be confused because I was actually smiling at the person behind you...Just act like you don't know me because I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!! Look at me sitting around wasting time, hoping, even praying that things could work out...and look what I get. I feel so stupid...wait oh no!!! I'm not stupid I'm trusting of others...what they say especially when they tell me they trying to do this or that and asking me to be patient with them. I'm a patient person when it comes to somethings...and in this situation I was actually willing to wait around and see how it all turned out. I'm so honest...I told you about my fears, my disappointments, my hurts...and all you did was be like everyone else...thank you very much for being like the others, being like the people in my past. It was really really cold outside today...I guess that's a sign that the heatwave is gone...just last week it was 80 degrees...today it felt like 40something (I'm taking that as a sign...of old things OUT...new things IN!!) . So, you miss me...really??? I'm a great person...for real??? You don't want me to be upset or hurt...for sure??? But in the end...because please believe this is the end...everything that you could have done to upset a person you did, everything you could have sad to elicit sad emotions you did them too... I'm feeling like beating down a few strangers just because and than I will beat down some other people because they deserve it... Why would you say things and really not mean them??? Why would you talk about the future when you are living for the here and now pleasures of life??? Ok...so you say...I've heard it before I catch attitudes...yes I do...and many of them I shouldn't, but most of them that are directed towards you are completely justified. I will not be used...or taken advantage of. I could be reading too much into what I read, and maybe it would be good to ask you about it...but I really don't feel like putting anymore energy into this relationship...cuz it really isn't a relationship if only one person is trying to make things happen and the other person is only giving lip service...save your words for the next one. Do I regret caring...no, not at all...because that's who I am. Will I care again...of course...just NOT FOR YOU!!! You are just trying to do you right now...I hope you are having fun with that...fun living the single life (ummmm...yeah ok)...sowing your wild oats (as they say). Aight...whatever I don't really have anything to say about...Do you, I'm happy for you. I wasn't even trying to be nothing too serious with you right away, I take my time, get to know people and evaluate the situation/relationship...all I wanted was some straight answers and whatnot. You were the one talking all that other, serious stuff... But it's alright I'm ok...I'mma be better than you ever other day!!! I'm done with this post...and I hope you read this and it cuts you up too!!! F you, F you and F you somemore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I let...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, I see how so many young people are losing focus. I sat down the other day and began to write, when I was done I looked down and through these words I felt so many emotions. This was my struggle, my life, completely and total honesty here. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to these words for a lot of different reasons. This is dedicated to anyone, everyone who as ever allowed things/people/places/events to get you off track. Read this with an open mind...

I let him, I let him explore me, I gave all to him. He examined me, dissected me…did whatever to me…I’m loosing myself here, no I’ve lost myself… Everyone thought I had everything going for me. When were those same people, those people who were my friends...Going share, tell me that girl please. He’s got you…don’t give yourself, that special gift. Once it’s gone you can’t get it back. Keep on, with that and you’ll see. An early death or a life of misery. Momma told me be careful, who I let in. Save that for a special someone, not just anyone. The spot was stimulated…hear what I say? Oh, never felt this way. I could have exploded, everything was being drained. He went in deep…me soul was no longer mine to keep. Why didn’t I listen…I thought before, I would say, I thought I knew better once before. But how many young women have said they knew better, but than it was too late. Too late to recapture that innocence. Once gone, once given away…oh well, things won’t be the same. I was doing pretty good, than I closed by eyes and let it all ride. I went to a place, that I never knew before. It’s amazing for the moment, but it was only a moment. To be nice, I’ll say a few moments…but even than. A few moments of my life, destroyed years…my future, don’t look so bright. You can be anything/anybody…I bet you’ve heard that too, but I was not warned about how easily he could get me, confuse me. He got you! Who’s going to be there when I tell my story, this story…of how I was so vulnerable. I let him, let him. I wasn’t forced, I had a choice, used to even have a voice. A mighty, powerful voice. What happened…I closed my eyes, I let down my guard…I’m counting out loud!...one, two no more of you…everything got in there and I kinda lost who I was. A clone, no longer a designer’s original…I let this world corrupt MY MIND, Stay focused!!!

"Lord Make Me A Vessel"

(Verse)

From the earth you created me

From the dust of the ground

In Your image I was made

In Your likeness I was form

Who am I, that Thou art mindfull of me

You created me a little lower than the angels

So here I stand, as a vessel to be used by Thee.

(chorus)

I am your clay Lord mold me.

I'm on the wheel Lord shape me.

I am your instrument play me.

I am your child Lord teach me.

I want to grow so prune me Jesus.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

(Bridge)

According to the plan that you have for me.

Dear Lord everyday I want to be use.

I want to be used by they.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

~written by Greg Ross...Drexel University Gospel Choir Director since 1985~

Perfect Words

Oh wow...I need people to stop being all up in 3311 Powelton Ave... I got a double dose of truth yesterday. I was on the edge of my seat because I couldn't understand why two people were talking directly to my current situation. I've been going through a lot lately, but even in that I thank God for keeping me, providing for me and loving me...even when I didn't love myself. I had what is called an exit interview with the director of Art's After School...Rev Bev is a sweet woman and also has something wonderful to say. The purpose of the interview is to get your feedback about the program and also a time of talking and sharing with Rev Bev. I was looking forward to my time with her and it was much more than I expected. The entire conversation with her touched me in a special way, but one thing she said to me I think will change my life. She said, "Let go of your guilt!" I thought to myself what!!?? How does she know that I am consumed with guilt??? The only person that knows that is my mom and the two of them have never met... My mom has always told me that I have no reason to feel guilty...but I could never shake the feeling that I was a burden to my family. Wow...but here is a woman that I have known only since September...and she knew one of the things that has plagued me since childhood. All I can say is...that's God and I thank God for putting people in my life to help me and change me and mature me. Ok...so I thought that was enough...but no! Thursdays we have gospel choir practice and our director Greg is always giving speeches and I must say he is on point with what he says...sometimes he is a bit long, but that's Greg...got to love him. Greg said two powerful things last night...first he said, "Take deliberate and intentional steps to be where God wants you to be." Alright...that hit me!...practice continued and it was very successful and long. Than at the end of practice Greg says, "I have to say this, I will try and keep it to one minute." Alright that means at least ten minutes for Greg and it turn out to be like 15mins, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Greg proceeded to say, "Don't let anything derail you from your goals, setbacks should not stop you, nothing should hinder you...If you know it is what God has for you do what you need to do to get there. Work hard, stay focus and achieve your goals. I want to hear you boast about your accomplishments, I want you all to be successful...If you are suppose to go to law school ,go to law school...don't let dissappointment stop you. If things aren't going the way you want things don't be discouraged...Maybe you won't reach you goal in the time you thought you were, but you will reach your goal stay focus." Hold up, wait a minute...why is Greg all in my business...did my roomie tell him about our conversation the night before??? (of course she didn't) This is just one more sign from God...God has placed Greg in my life to minister to me in my situation. When I was at one of my lowest points, words of encouragement first came from God, than my roomie (oh wow I see the growth in you daily), my mom (even though she misunderstood what I said at first and started to scream joyously), than Rev Bev, Greg, and other friends. I'm overwhelmed with gratitute!! That you God. God I believe and I pray that you continue to help me with my unbelief.