What if...

Someone asked me was I mad...and I had to say honestly no I'm not. Why be mad??? that would be a waste of good energy, energy I need to use to graduate, to get through the next few months, and to keep mind together these next few months. My girl and I were talking about 'what if' the other day. I heard this young lady say a poem...that was talking about 'coulda, shoula, woulda' and that really impacted me. Because we can't focus on what may have happened, or what might have been. We must live in the here and now. So what if I never transferred and left BMORE...I would not have such a wonderful group of friends. What if I never decided to talk to him...I would have never learned how strong I am. What if I never sacrificed for them...I would have never understand what true devotion meant. I'm thankful and grateful for every life lesson...because even though I've cried, I've been sad, I've been hurt...things could have been a lot worse, I could be dead! I choose not to focus on any negative things, I'm only focusing on all the positive things that are the result of my choices. Good things, great things, wonderful things...that's all I see, that's all I hear, that's all I believe!!!!! ....but when need be I will talk about things that have tried to destroy my positive...please believe I will share...

#@%!?&@!*

In the words of my baby girl"You have to write a blog about it!"

What the ?????? Let me start by saying...F you, F you and F you somemore. Don't try and hit me up because I will ignore you...if you see me please act as if you don't...if it looks like I was smiling in your direction please don't be confused because I was actually smiling at the person behind you...Just act like you don't know me because I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!! Look at me sitting around wasting time, hoping, even praying that things could work out...and look what I get. I feel so stupid...wait oh no!!! I'm not stupid I'm trusting of others...what they say especially when they tell me they trying to do this or that and asking me to be patient with them. I'm a patient person when it comes to somethings...and in this situation I was actually willing to wait around and see how it all turned out. I'm so honest...I told you about my fears, my disappointments, my hurts...and all you did was be like everyone else...thank you very much for being like the others, being like the people in my past. It was really really cold outside today...I guess that's a sign that the heatwave is gone...just last week it was 80 degrees...today it felt like 40something (I'm taking that as a sign...of old things OUT...new things IN!!) . So, you miss me...really??? I'm a great person...for real??? You don't want me to be upset or hurt...for sure??? But in the end...because please believe this is the end...everything that you could have done to upset a person you did, everything you could have sad to elicit sad emotions you did them too... I'm feeling like beating down a few strangers just because and than I will beat down some other people because they deserve it... Why would you say things and really not mean them??? Why would you talk about the future when you are living for the here and now pleasures of life??? Ok...so you say...I've heard it before I catch attitudes...yes I do...and many of them I shouldn't, but most of them that are directed towards you are completely justified. I will not be used...or taken advantage of. I could be reading too much into what I read, and maybe it would be good to ask you about it...but I really don't feel like putting anymore energy into this relationship...cuz it really isn't a relationship if only one person is trying to make things happen and the other person is only giving lip service...save your words for the next one. Do I regret caring...no, not at all...because that's who I am. Will I care again...of course...just NOT FOR YOU!!! You are just trying to do you right now...I hope you are having fun with that...fun living the single life (ummmm...yeah ok)...sowing your wild oats (as they say). Aight...whatever I don't really have anything to say about...Do you, I'm happy for you. I wasn't even trying to be nothing too serious with you right away, I take my time, get to know people and evaluate the situation/relationship...all I wanted was some straight answers and whatnot. You were the one talking all that other, serious stuff... But it's alright I'm ok...I'mma be better than you ever other day!!! I'm done with this post...and I hope you read this and it cuts you up too!!! F you, F you and F you somemore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I let...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, I see how so many young people are losing focus. I sat down the other day and began to write, when I was done I looked down and through these words I felt so many emotions. This was my struggle, my life, completely and total honesty here. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to these words for a lot of different reasons. This is dedicated to anyone, everyone who as ever allowed things/people/places/events to get you off track. Read this with an open mind...

I let him, I let him explore me, I gave all to him. He examined me, dissected me…did whatever to me…I’m loosing myself here, no I’ve lost myself… Everyone thought I had everything going for me. When were those same people, those people who were my friends...Going share, tell me that girl please. He’s got you…don’t give yourself, that special gift. Once it’s gone you can’t get it back. Keep on, with that and you’ll see. An early death or a life of misery. Momma told me be careful, who I let in. Save that for a special someone, not just anyone. The spot was stimulated…hear what I say? Oh, never felt this way. I could have exploded, everything was being drained. He went in deep…me soul was no longer mine to keep. Why didn’t I listen…I thought before, I would say, I thought I knew better once before. But how many young women have said they knew better, but than it was too late. Too late to recapture that innocence. Once gone, once given away…oh well, things won’t be the same. I was doing pretty good, than I closed by eyes and let it all ride. I went to a place, that I never knew before. It’s amazing for the moment, but it was only a moment. To be nice, I’ll say a few moments…but even than. A few moments of my life, destroyed years…my future, don’t look so bright. You can be anything/anybody…I bet you’ve heard that too, but I was not warned about how easily he could get me, confuse me. He got you! Who’s going to be there when I tell my story, this story…of how I was so vulnerable. I let him, let him. I wasn’t forced, I had a choice, used to even have a voice. A mighty, powerful voice. What happened…I closed my eyes, I let down my guard…I’m counting out loud!...one, two no more of you…everything got in there and I kinda lost who I was. A clone, no longer a designer’s original…I let this world corrupt MY MIND, Stay focused!!!

"Lord Make Me A Vessel"

(Verse)

From the earth you created me

From the dust of the ground

In Your image I was made

In Your likeness I was form

Who am I, that Thou art mindfull of me

You created me a little lower than the angels

So here I stand, as a vessel to be used by Thee.

(chorus)

I am your clay Lord mold me.

I'm on the wheel Lord shape me.

I am your instrument play me.

I am your child Lord teach me.

I want to grow so prune me Jesus.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

Lord make me a vessel.

(Bridge)

According to the plan that you have for me.

Dear Lord everyday I want to be use.

I want to be used by they.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

I'm Yours nobody owns me but You.

~written by Greg Ross...Drexel University Gospel Choir Director since 1985~

Perfect Words

Oh wow...I need people to stop being all up in 3311 Powelton Ave... I got a double dose of truth yesterday. I was on the edge of my seat because I couldn't understand why two people were talking directly to my current situation. I've been going through a lot lately, but even in that I thank God for keeping me, providing for me and loving me...even when I didn't love myself. I had what is called an exit interview with the director of Art's After School...Rev Bev is a sweet woman and also has something wonderful to say. The purpose of the interview is to get your feedback about the program and also a time of talking and sharing with Rev Bev. I was looking forward to my time with her and it was much more than I expected. The entire conversation with her touched me in a special way, but one thing she said to me I think will change my life. She said, "Let go of your guilt!" I thought to myself what!!?? How does she know that I am consumed with guilt??? The only person that knows that is my mom and the two of them have never met... My mom has always told me that I have no reason to feel guilty...but I could never shake the feeling that I was a burden to my family. Wow...but here is a woman that I have known only since September...and she knew one of the things that has plagued me since childhood. All I can say is...that's God and I thank God for putting people in my life to help me and change me and mature me. Ok...so I thought that was enough...but no! Thursdays we have gospel choir practice and our director Greg is always giving speeches and I must say he is on point with what he says...sometimes he is a bit long, but that's Greg...got to love him. Greg said two powerful things last night...first he said, "Take deliberate and intentional steps to be where God wants you to be." Alright...that hit me!...practice continued and it was very successful and long. Than at the end of practice Greg says, "I have to say this, I will try and keep it to one minute." Alright that means at least ten minutes for Greg and it turn out to be like 15mins, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Greg proceeded to say, "Don't let anything derail you from your goals, setbacks should not stop you, nothing should hinder you...If you know it is what God has for you do what you need to do to get there. Work hard, stay focus and achieve your goals. I want to hear you boast about your accomplishments, I want you all to be successful...If you are suppose to go to law school ,go to law school...don't let dissappointment stop you. If things aren't going the way you want things don't be discouraged...Maybe you won't reach you goal in the time you thought you were, but you will reach your goal stay focus." Hold up, wait a minute...why is Greg all in my business...did my roomie tell him about our conversation the night before??? (of course she didn't) This is just one more sign from God...God has placed Greg in my life to minister to me in my situation. When I was at one of my lowest points, words of encouragement first came from God, than my roomie (oh wow I see the growth in you daily), my mom (even though she misunderstood what I said at first and started to scream joyously), than Rev Bev, Greg, and other friends. I'm overwhelmed with gratitute!! That you God. God I believe and I pray that you continue to help me with my unbelief.

Arts After School Memories

My After School volunteer program has ended for the year...and I must say I was feeling very bittersweet. Practically every Friday I didn't feel like going, but after I got those great big higs from the children I felt a renewed sense of energy. The children made me smile, laugh and feel like I was making a difference. I'm really going to miss the program next year and I hope that I find a similarly rewarding program in Baltimore.

This is dedicated to my girls at Arts After School...one week they came up with this poem and I thought it was so cute. Que'Diara and Kala really made my day...I will never forget any of the children from Arts After School...I hope my impact in their lives was a major as the impact they had in mine.

To my girls...

"Today is good day
Cuz we sing and we play
Us three (Que'Diara, Kala and Z) we love to be all around living free
Hey, Hey Alright Ok!"

April 15-17

I had a fun filled weekend! WHOA!!! Friday a group of us were trippin in Ross Commons after Kala's game and I must say there was a lot to laugh about. Some poor man fell right out of his chair and the chair landed on his back...the ignorant people I was with started to laugh right in his face...(of I didn't laugh...I was raised right!) Saturday I had a few errands to complete, a bit of down time and than it was off to club B Dots. I got so twisted, but even though I was past nice I still knew what I was doing...lol. "One Thing"...I knew all the words on Saturday but don't know them now. Anyhow...we had a blast. Sunday was pretty chill until the evening hours. I went to support my girl Er in a model competition...she wasn't a competitor...she was showing the competitors what modeling is suppose to look like...She ripped the runway of course. But the show overall was a big mess!!!... And also finally...ding dong the witch is dead (only my girl knows what I mean...we will keep this between us...let's hope the itch stays dead!!!) Overall the weekend was decent...I got absolutely no work done and the one person I really wanted to spend time with I didn't see. But I totally forgot about that when I got to chill with my Sexy Dre...oh wow that man is incredible!!! This week I really need to get some work done...midterm studying, papers and SENIOR PROJECT!...Let's get focused!!!

Had to write about this...

I mean come on now...so yes I know that I go to a Caucasian institution with many people who really don't understand what it is to be an African American in today's society. What does this sound like coming from a professor with three Ph.D.'s to her name..."He be at the hospital all day."...used as an example of how African Americans speak. What the **ck???!!!! I'm sitting in class getting so mad, in a class I usually find very enjoyable and informative. But not today! In my linguistics class we have gotten to the topic of 'African American English (AAE)'...or whatever title the man is giving it this week. I knew some ignorant comments might be made because lets face it, white people typically know nothing about the African American experience...wait!! many African Americans don't know about the African American experience (we will have to address that topic another day) So back to class, I'm one of three African American females in the class...actually one of two because the third lady is 'black' by race...but something else when it comes to ethnicity. I hate the comment 'he/she is acting white'...so I won't use it in reference to this young lady, but she definitely didn't experience life like I did...and even though the world sees her as an African American female, I'm not sure if she sees her as an African American female (also, a topic we will have to address another day). Alright, so after my professor's imitation of AAE, I knew this 50minute class was going to seem like a three hour class...and it really did! Why did she have to divide the class into groups??? and of course since there are so few African Americans we were split among the groups. My group...consisted of a blonde-hair blue eye female, a long-hair rocker (he's really cool, I've known since I got to Drexel) and this other guy from Colorado (need I say more...) sike, I've also known him for a few years and he's cool too. I'm sitting there, I don't have any plans on participating in this group activity, because I don't want to upset myself on such a beautiful day. I'm just sitting listening to the foolishness these people are saying. Than the female in my group, asks me to give some example of AAE...I say, "If you were black it would be natural for me, but since you aren't I can't" What did these people except of me...Do I look like a showman that can perform at any given moment??? I think not. Ok, you may think I'm overreacting but you had to see there facing, it was like they were waiting for a big show or display. Their eyes were focused on me, fist on chin...just wait for me to say something. They were anticipating my response...the female looked sorta scared...but since I knew the two males they just laughed because they know me. One guy (not in my group!) even said that before he came to college he thought African Americans sounded really dumb when they spoke, and than proceeded to say that many African Americans still sound dumb to him...but than say "but no one in this room"! To late buddy...can't take that comment back...you are on my list now! WHAT THE **CK!!! I looked at the other African American female in the room (and she is a Philly girl...) We were about to bang the mess outta that guy. But we didn't...I mean everyone in the room would think that we were perpetuating the myth that African Americans are violent. I'm still a bit upset from this class and the class was at noon and it is almost 6pm. I've spent so many years dealing with ignorant people...it is a passion of mine to first educate younger African Americans and than to educate the masses... Looks like I have just as much work to do as my ancestors did... People really believe things have changed, racism is dead...racism is just not as overt as it was in the past. But believe it is alive and well and we must do something about it.

Still going to be the best!!!

Communication is the key! Things are better after you simply talk about them, understaning comes and than things can be fixed if there is a need for fixing. I'm still working this positivity plan and things are going well. Waiting on the Lord to guide my steps, open and close whatever doors He sees fit. I'm anticipating some great things in '05, we are only into the 4th month, so many more things are going to happen before this year is out. And come 12/31/05 we are going to party in celebrating because this would have been the best year of our lives. Stay tuned, keep your head up and live life without compromise, to its fullest and you will have no regrets!

Change...

Did you know that is takes more muscles (meaning more energy) to frown than to smile? Than I thought to myself why do I stay having a mad look on my face??? There is no reason, I can say that's just the way I look, don't read anything into...but it takes less effort to have a pleasant look...so my goal is to be aware of my facial expressions and to aim to look as joyous as I feel. I've had so many breakthroughs over such a short period of time. I have held onto so much hurt, dissappointment, negativity and pain. But now I've let it go...I feel at peace. Who would have thought that the after someone told me that I always catch attitudes (a statement I have heard over and over again) I would finally hear them and understand what a major affect my negative attitude could have on other people. All this time people probably thought I was lashing out at them, but actually I was trying to defend myself and protect myself from hurt...never realizing how my attitude made me appear to others. I'm thankful for honesty...I'm thankful for friends, I'm thankful for family (especially my mother...she is my rock!) and most of all thankful for my relationship with God. Wow...a weekend to remember. I'm so excited right now that I have come to a place of maturity and understand like never before. Ya'll are going see a New 'Z'...not too different, but just warmer, more understand, slow to react and comment and quick to patience and tenderness. Change is good...I have always respected people who were bold enough, fearless enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, powerful enough to change...I'm taking inspiration from back in the day(22)...let's not be like the crowd...let's set the standard and allow others to try and follow.

Week 2

This week academically has been no joke!!! I remember senior year in high school...we had so much fun and even though we were studying for them IB tests (only us over-achievers know about those tests), we barely went to class. I think we spent over half the day in Ms. B's classroom doing absolutely nothing! What great times. Now, it's senior year of college and I've never been so busy. Trying to graduate with some type of honors, staying on top of these applications for jobs and law school and running this org...things couldn't get busier. But even when I think I'm overwhelmed, I must take a moment and have a bit of fun. Last night I went to cheer on my baby girl at her first lacrosse game of the season...number 24 is the best stuff!!!...We had fun out there on Buckley and I definitely forgot about all the things I had to do or any of the problems I was facing. Thank God that another month, all the bills will be paid, I'm getting great grades in school and I'm having great times with family and friends... Spring term has already had a few downs, but the ups are definitely outweighing that!!!! Like I said, "This will be a term to remember!"

I care...

Why do I have to care so much???!!! I must have been raised to be a caring person, because even if people don't want to have anything to do with me, don't want to talk to me...I still feel this burning pain for them. I am concerned about others well-being sometimes even before I am concern about myself. I am willing and available to support you no matter what. If I am the cause of your problems/pain/hurt please let me know...my intention is never to hurt anyone. If there is anything I can do to ease whatever is ailing you, please let me help. I'm the type of person who will go to whatever lenghts to help someone I care about. For family and friends I will sacrifice my own happiness to see you succeed! Right now I'm feeling so horrible because I don't know what to do or say to help others...I'm usually so good at this. I need you to allow me to be there for you. Don't shut me out...you don't have to ask me to be there for you, I'mma be there for you because that is the type of person I am. You can count on me through thick and thin...my devotion to you will never end. If something is important to you, if it concerns you, if you care about something...I care too...

He's Just Not That Into You

It’s a classic single-woman scenario: you really like this guy, but he’s giving mixed messages. You make excuses, decide he’s confused, afraid of commitment. Behrendt, a former executive story editor for Sex and the City—and a formerly single (now happily married) guy who knows all the excuses—provides a simple answer: he’s just not that into you. Stop kidding yourself, let go and look for someone else who will be. After all, as Behrendt sensibly puts it, "if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way."

I have not read this book...but I spoke to my aunt today and she couldn't stop talking about this book. So I thought I would make a post about it...she said she is gonna send my a copy, so after I read it I'll post my thoughts about the book.

He says:
Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.
She says:
There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic.
For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men.
He's afraid to get hurt again.Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.Maybe he's intimidated by me.He just got out of a relationship.

Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are here to say that -- despite good intentions -- you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.
The truth may be He's just not that into you.
Unfortunately guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, "You're not the one." But their actions absolutely show how they feel.

Always on My Mind

I was listening to Brandy's first album last night....from way back when...I think that was middle school days. The song "Always on my mind" really hit me...I'm sort of feeling this way at the presence moment. I hope to continue feeling this way, but I'm not sure. I'm definitely trying to be cautious...but I'm really ready for the first time in a long time to put myself completely out there...

~Always on my mind ~

You're always on my mind

Thoughts of you all the time

You're always on my mind

Everyday I see you With loving eyes

I just wanna hold you

And make you mine

If you listen to me now sweet baby

I'll make a promise that you can hold me too

No matter how far

And no matter how wide

I promise baby that I'll stay by your side

Cause in my mind I see you

And I just can seem to shake you

Your sweetness to me is what I'm thinking of

It's the way you look at me

The sight of you knock me off of my feet

I want to kiss and tell

And get to know you well

~Let me introduce my heart to you~

Smile

"If I could reach up and capture a star for every time you've made me smile, I'd have the whole evening sky in the palm of my hand." So, I've talked about tears...now it's time to talk about joy! Have you ever known someone would can make you smile when you feel your worse? Or that person who can hug you and make you forget about all the problems you thought were going to overtake you? What about that person, who's mere presence makes you smile and you can't figure out why? Well, if you don't know anyone like this...tell me and I will introduce you to someone who will be all these things and more. I'm not sure what will happen, I try not to get to caught up because I've been hurt before. But I'm willing to take a risk...so if you're willing to take the risk with me I know we could go very far. Are you ready to grow into this with me??? Sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for. So are you going wait for me??? Oh wow...I see joy everytime I look at you...

Tears

I'm not the type of person to wear my emotions on my sleeve. You most likely will never know if I'm hurt, upset or in pain...I'm not really sure why I'm like this...but this attitude was definitely developed during my early childhood. But this can be a really bad thing most of the time. When people ask me "What's wrong?" I always say "Nothing" because I feel telling people what's wrong with me will in some way burden them...and I don't want to be a burden. Also, I'm the strong one, everyone else's rock to lend on...I gotta keep that up or I will let others down and they might be dissappointed with me. These past couples of weeks have been very interesting for me emotionally. So many great times, laughter smiles and joy but mixed in with all of that I have been very sad. Saturday was my release...I cried Saturday...Not that booowhoo...ugly type crying. But tears fell and my eyes were a bit red. Alot of things contributed to the tears...maybe something or some people had a bigger contribution but all in all no one things or person was the cause. But I'm not upset that I cried...I'm somewhat relieved and happy that at least for one moment I could release emotions and I didn't allow my spirit to take the emotions in and allow myself to be drained. There are something that I want right now, some relationships I want to strengthen and develop, some opportunities I want to come my way...but I can't and won't let myself stress anymore. I'm falling back, I'm trying to release the stress and I may have to let a few more tears fall in the process. I'm thankful for the tears...

BluZee Got hurt :(

I had my first car accident the other day. I hit someone and they ran away...isn't it suppose to go the other way. Anyway thank God I was not alone in the car, because I would lost it. So, I was pulling out of a parking, I looked both ways, let the car pass, they stop and as I proceeded to pull into the street, they gunned the gas and turned in the parking lot that I was exiting. I hit the drivers side door pretty hard. I was shocked, scared and the passengers in my car were screaming all crazy! So I was like, ok I have the insurance info, yeah my dad and mom won't be happy but that's what insurance if for...my parents stay cool when things aren't going good...so I knew things would be ok. Next thing I knew, the driver of the car I hit, opened his door looked at the mess I had made and drove off! I was like "OH NO!" what to do, what to do??? Isn't flewing the scene of an accident a crime??? The people in the car were like get his license plate, I was like I don't know where he went. But baby girl has good eyes and she was like..."They are at the Sunoco!! They are at the Sunoco!!" Another car pulled up and asked if we were just in an accident?? They told us the driver had gone in a completely different direction that what two of the other passengers in my car said. And this whole time, baby girl is getting mad saying..."They are over there...In the Sunoco!!!" Aight, I listened to my baby and we went over to the Sunoco and I drove around to see if it was the car and sure enough the driver's side door was messed up! I wrote down the license plate number and before I knew it, Er jumped out the car, ran to the other side and starting arguing with two male strangers. They said, "Ma go ahead get in the car, we will fix the car ourselves." No granted, I hit them, it was my car the did the damage...even though they made that turn all crazy. Who wouldn't want someone else to pay for damages to their car??? I'll tell you who!!! Criminals...they either didn't have insurance, didn't have a license, stole the plate, stole the car, had drugs in the car...who really knows...but it was clear they aint want us to contact the police. No one was hurt...BluZee has some scratches but no body damage...and for the other person's car...it was messed up something serious. What an evening....my first accident. Hopefully it will be my last!!!