Had Enough???!!!???

There has to come a point when you realize that it's just not for you. I really, really hope this is true. I keep complaining about what's going on in this situation...and I know what I could do to help myself feel alot better in the long run...but it's a difficult decision, totally outside of my comfort zone. Basically I want things to change but I don't want to be the one to make the change happen. So with this attitude I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. I'm becoming very miserable. Have you ever wanted something so badly but you just cant have it...there could be many reasons why you can't have it: It's out of your reach, it's unhealthy, it belongs to someone else, the 'cost' of it is too much for you, it doesn't want you to want it, you don't know how to get it...and the list goes on. I think practically all these things apply to my situation. It's sad...Im making it worse. And I can't even complain anymore. I won't complain anymore...because that is a waste of time...especially since right now what is going on is all my doing. I hear what is being said...but I don't want to acknowledge it. My feelings are too strong and I care too much...sometimes I feel that caring is a weakness for me. I use to be confused...but I can't even use that excuse anymore...yeah I'll admit it...it was a crutch, the easiest way to explain why I allow this to continue...I could say, "I'm confused." Well...it's out in the open now...I'm not confused...I know exactly what I'm doing and allowing to be done...I must take responsibility for the consequences. I always try to justify this..."BUT" is my favorite word to use...it always gives me a bright note in a dark situation...it's so weak of me. I have come to the conclusion, that even in the future I would be a fool to agree to anything official...because all this time...I wasn't enough...




...I gotta come back to this post later... I know it seems like I'm rambling...