Out of sight, Aint Out of Mind

"Out of sight, out of mind"...I know you all are very familiar with this old saying. But for me it is totally not true and I know for a lot of other people it aint true either. I mean, when have you heard of a drug addict not thinking about drugs just because they aint have any. Ok, so maybe the saying wasn't meant for people who are addicted to things but it still doesn't ring true for me. I think the saying came about because people say, that when someone goes away, you forget about them and you move on to other things/people. Why can't that be the case for me? I want so badly right now to be able to think about someone else, anything else, anyone else. My baby girl asked me "was the wave over?"...and I dunno, I really not want it to be, but if absolutely, positively looks like it is, I can't and I won't try and hold on someone that isn't willing to try and hold onto me. Even though I can't get him off my mind, I think he has let me know through actions (or lack of actions) that he aint down for me. He really got my hopes up that he was gonna come to my party, well June 18th came and went...and he aint come. Now I must say that I had a good time and I saw true devotion and love from family and friends...so for him not to be there...yes it was dissappointing but it was also an eye opener! But back to this "out of sight, out of mind" stuff... he's out of sight, but he has never been on my mind so much. Maybe it's because I reached out to him and it seems like I was ignored (well, technically I was since it's been over a week and he aint responded back) and to think, I'm usually the one receiving calls and such from him, the one time I think to call, he's not available or whatever and has yet to return my call. Ok, so there are signs all over the place, so it should be clear and easy for me to see wzup and get it together and forget about him. So let me tell you all the signs: He acts like he don't talk to me on the regular when he is talking to his boys; he says he going to do something but doesnot; he tells me one thing and tells someone esle something completely opposite; he says all the right things, but there are no actions to support his words...I could go on... so I have so much to go on and yet I'm sitting here writing about how I can't stop thinking about him. I don't spend all day, everyday thinking about him...that would be too much. But every once in awhile (ok, maybe a bit more than that) I think about him. I mean, when you get use to talking to someone, seeing that someone and you actually like that someone...when all that changes it can be difficult not to think about the past or think about how that person is doing. I am determined to get it together and forget about him...I am trying to take my mind off of him...but it really doesn't help the situation that this summer is going to be really chill and I don't have much to do...

It's crazy because this past year has really come full circle... I went from the fall '04 (I'm only worth three months) to now (I'm perfect for your future)...

I'm glad to be back in the writing spirit....stay tuned!!!

Let It Go!!!

I was cleaning out my e-mail box and I came across this e-mail I had gotten from a friend last year...it really hit me and I thought it was very appropriate to share with all of you...I hope it helps you like it helped me...

Let it go for..There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don`t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can`t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn`t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you`ve got to know when people`s part in your story is over so that you don`t keep trying to raise the dead. You`ve got to know when it`s dead. You`ve got to know when it`s over. Let me tell you something. I`ve got the gift of good-bye. It`s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It`s not that I`m hateful, it`s that I`m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He`ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don`t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn`t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can`t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!
If you`re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won`t even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you`re feeling depressed and stressed....LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing !!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left . think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

All I can say...is Oh wow...this is the truth!!!!

Come and Go...

With all that has been going on I have really neglected this outlet, writing really helps me clear my mind and get focused... and plus I can say things here that I would not usually say out of my mouth.

I have realized that I have let other people and what they did or did not do determine my feelings and attitude. If someone was being 'good' to me...I was happy. If someone was treating me 'wrong'...I was sad. If someone looked at me the wrong way or said the wrong thing...I was angry. When I was in this emotional whirlwind I didn't know what damage I was doing to my soul. It is so unhealthy to allow someone else to negatively affect your mood...I have also come to realize that it is unhealthy to allow someone to positively affect your mood. By allowing someone to control whether you are happy or sad...means that you don't have peace within yourself. It is so easy to let emotions get you caught up, but emotions are so dangerous because they can cloud your better judgment. How many times have to looked back over a situation and wondered 'what was I thinking?'...well you weren't thinking and that's the problem, you let the way you felt at the moment determine your actions. When that moment was over and the dust had settled you saw how foolish your actions were. If you know going left would yield the best result and yet you choose to go right because of what it looks like...not because of what might happen down the road...You are being stupid. I must admit that I've been stupid about a lot of things, situation, people, places...etc. But we live and learn and than we get sense! I've learned to think first and feel later... Feelings come and go, but when I use my brain I am rarely taken down the wrong path. I feel much better... I've let it go, moved on and am confident in what I know is best and right.

To all those who have been wondering why I haven't been writing a lot lately (well, any lately), it's a mixture between...trying to graduation (that's done), getting rid of some negativity (in the process...I had more than I realized), making sure my next step after Philly was together (I will keep you posted on this), and finally spending some one on one time with people I have truly missed (this will continue, but I try and not let it hinder my sharing)!

So, people...I'm back!

Best Girls

I have the best girls a girl could ask for... Er and Tif Tif...my Bmore divas (sorry ya'll for using that word, but ya'll are the true essence of that word), my nurses, my sistas, my counselors, my hug-givers, my strong-shoulders, my beautiful smiles, my true friends. I love ya'll more than words!!! I'm so overwhelmed right now...the support and encouragement I get from ya'll is out-of-this-world! I'm so thankful and grateful for you two.



...I have to finish this later after I compose myself....

No Words(2)...but I wrote anyway!

I feeling so many things right now and I can't really find words to express myself. Sometimes it seems like words are so limiting, I need to invent another form of communication so that I can have everything in it so that I can be able to express everything I feel. I'm not really sad, I'm not really happy, I'm not really mad, I'm not really glad. I didn't have a bad day, I didn't have a good day. I'm not really sure what is going on...all I know is that I'm coming to a place where I must find peace within myself or I will go crazy. I must start to take time to enjoy life, be creative and have a good time. I'm too uptight sometimes, I let worry and fear consume my thoughts sometimes. I want this, I want that...but I should be grateful for what I have and stop always looking at others and being jealous. Yes, I'll admit what most people are too afraid to admit...at times I am jealous of what I think others have, how I think they have what I want, how I think they have it all together. I'm learning that I need to stop this, because obviously what they have isn't for me, how they appear on the outside might not be the truth. I can't get certain things or certain people off my mind. Maybe it's because I'm constantly surrounded with people and things that are related to the things or people who I can't get off my mind. I refuse to cut people off just because I maybe having a problem with someone who they maybe close with. I will not neglect my friends because their friends are causing me hurt...I'm going to have to get over it and grow from it. I use to think he was the one for me, I gave so much of myself to him and I was willing to one day give it all. I truly loved him, I truly love him...but for the first time in a long time I feel so free from him. I don't question what I do...wondering how he would react if he found out...I'm just living my life. I realize that all the things I saw in him, all the faith I had in him, all the potential I knew he had...my role in his life was for a season. I have the best memories with him. But I know I will have better memories with someone esle. I learned that I had to stop looking/remembering who he use to be and see him for the person he had become. He was so kind, sweet, caring, kind-of awkard (but I thought that was cute), he didn't have any style...he clothes were kind-too-small (but he had a the biggest heart). Now he is cocky, self-center, the center of his universe...not longer the cutie I grew to love. He is the *sshole I have grown to tolerate. But I now know I need to stop repeating this pattern of males...the same male over and over...different name, different face...SAME actions. I refuse to ever give my all when the other is barely giving half. I've come to realize I'm just too good for anything or anybody who can't come to my level.

So, this newer guy...or is he the same ol foolish. I'm bout ready to start wearing a sign that reads "Sorry...Allergic to BULLSH**!" But anyways...I guess we will see. My boy told me I need to start out with a clean slate...just stop talking to all the guys who have ever done me wrong and now that I know exactly what I will and will not tolerate and am ready for the man who will treat me the way I should be treated... But this guy...I can't stop thinking about this guy!

I could on and on...I guess the writer's block is gone...but I still have so many emotions that I couldn't find words for...

Kelly Price's song "You Should have Told Me" really hit me the other day when I heard it on the radio. I put the chorus at the end of this blog because the words are perfect for what I have gone through in the past. I refuse to say 'going through'...because I'm done with the mess...it's in my past, I'm moving forward. June 18th should be interesting...a lot of my past BULLSH** is going to be in attendace at that graduation party... (oh well, they've messed out on me!!!)

You Should've Told Me

Kelly Price

(Chorus)

You should've told me

I wasn't small enough

You should've told me

I didn't call enough

But you led me on

And kept me going

And we never should've wasted this time

You should've told me

I wasn't wild enough

You should've told me

I didn't smile enough

What you had in my mind

Made me lose my mind

And we never should've wasted this time