Feels like goodbye

I have the hardest time expressing to someone if I'm sad or my feelings are hurt...it comes off as if I have an attitude and if I speak too much to try and convince you that I don't have an attitude...my emotions are like a switch and I would start crying. If I'm silent, just nod my head...I can tell myself in my head...not to cry. If I start to express how I feel in words...as I'm speaking I will began crying. I don't want you to see me like that...I would rather hold it in...get over whatever I'm feeling in time...tears aren't something I let people see.

I was asked over and over the other night..."Do you have an attitude?"...I said no..."What's wrong with you?"...I said I have nothing to say. That's all I could do to keep back the tears. If I said how I felt I would have cried. Thinking about how I felt, almost made me cry. I had to get away from the situation...because I wasn't going to let you see me cry. I shed some tears as I rode away...I listened to some India.Arie. I'm not sure where to go now... I know what my heart wants...but I know what my mind needs to have peace. I've put myself out there...told exactly what I want and need. For a moment I thought it was going my way...but in an instant I felt so low. I just want you to get excited when you think of me, happy when you hear my voice...and work with me to make us work. But...ok...I see...I finally see that's not how it's going to be. I guess I needed once last reminder...one more chance. You grapped hold of my hand and I forgot there was a problem...in that moment...I remembered ever reason why I care. When you let go of my hand I felt like I lost something...but you took hold of my hand again...and everything was alright. ...

...In my mind I heard you say," I'll prove them wrong! I care about you no matter what anyone esle thinks...and I'll keep showing you how much I care." But that's just a dream...because you just sat there and said nothing...like you didn't care...I felt like I meant nothing to you.

... I guess now it's time for me to say goodbye...but I must thank you for that wonderful feeling you gave me when you took hold of my hand...I'll never forget that.